Punch (67.1874)

November 14, 1874.]

PUNCH. OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI

201

“NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND.”

Respectable Man. “Dear me! I’m Sorry to See this, Mtjggles ! I

HEAR!) YOU’D LEFT OFF DRINKING ! ”

OUT-OE-SEASON SPEECHES.

At the talk of M.P.’s out of season
How over one’s paper one frowns !

So much rubbish, so vacant of reason,

Shot broadcast in twopenny towns!

Empty heads who on Westminster never
Have their tediousness dared to bestow,

Now spout as they’d spout on for ever,

Where there’s nobody by to say “ no ”—

Muzzle-crammed with their loading of platitvi.es,
Ready-run from the mould of the Press,

In longitudes large as in latitudes,

Making even of grammar a mess!

Mr. Punch, at his free (?) breakfast-table,

His punishment takes with a groan,

Inquiring, with Melbourne the Able,

“ Why the deuce can’t you leave it alone ? ”

Instead of parading as praters,

In nooks, where all M.P.’s are gods,

Try your bottom among the debaters,

Where you can’t at your will call the odds.

If not game, quite, to tackle Disraeli,

Or Gladstone, up here, in the House,

You might try a turn-up, say, with Whalley,
Or some Solon of similar nous.

When served out of season, the oyster
Is a terror instead of a treat;

Out of season, your grey-headed royster
Is the dismaliest joker to meet.

For young tongues to talk love is no treason,

And the right has no limit of sex ;

But old noodles who spoon out of season,

Get their true-lovers’-knots round their necks.

But worse than the oyster that’s offered
In the month with no R in its name—

And worse than the foulest joke proffered
By some hoary old rogue without shame,

Worse than old fools in love’s hot unreason
When wise heads have to “ temperate ” come,
Is the M.P. who talks out of season,

While in season he, wisely, is dumb.

Disreputable Party. “ Sho I ’avf, Shir—(hie)—jbsh ’ish very Minute !”

NOVEMBER EOGS.

The question whether the Public’s convenience will he increased
by turning passengers on the Midland Railway into a sort of social
salad.

The question whether the Midland Directors deserve, as payment
for their services, the Pillory, or Westminster Abbey.

The question whether our Army can he increased by abolishing
the Militia and snubbing the Volunteers.

The question whether the Devastation can make in safety a voyage
from Gravesend to Southend when the wind is “ blowing a little.”

The question whether the controversy about the Raleigh and the
Inconstant has been of greater service to ourselves, or to our foes.

The question whether we can educate the people by sending
Widows to prison for refusing to pay for their children’s schooling.

The question whether Wife-beaters should be taught Latin or
Greek, or should receive a few lessons from the Cat.

The question whether it is expedient that perjured Policemen
should Be patted on the back whilst receiving a sentence of the
mildest character.

The question whether it is better to blow up the Public, or to
“ blow up” the Authorities for not putting into force existing Acts
of Parliament regulating the carriage of gunpowder.

The question whether the Lord Mayor of London ought to be
monarch of all he surveys in Brompton, Kensington, Lambeth, and
Bayswater.

The question whether the Corporation of London can be increased
without causing riots amongst the suburban Vestrymen.

The question whether any one is responsible for the consequences
attendant upon the existence of sewer gas.

The question whether making a row in the newspapers will
secure that greatest boon to all literary men living near London—
“ suburban quiet.”

The question whether it is unlawful to slaughter Organ Grinders,
and other nuisances of the same character.

London Stone.—The new Lord Mayor.

The question whether the youths in the gallery at Commemora-
tion represent the ordinary Undergraduate.

The question whether any one understands the present condition
of affairs on the Continent.

The question whether the suppression of the Carlists would be
followed by payment of the outstanding liabilities of the Spanish
Government.

The question whether it is possible to avoid an attack of influenza
in London during this season of the year.

The question whether the whole history of the month will not be
a question of the weather.

Wholesome.

We note the following straightforward and Spartan advertisement
in the Hour of Nov. 4th :—

IT is desired to place two YOUNG LADIES, aged twelve and fourteen,
very strong and healthy, under a Lady who approves of and will
thoroughly and duly administer the birch rod. Terms most liberal.—
Address C. A. T., Post Office, Tickle-tail, Middlesex.

This is going beyond the ordinary demand of the Hour, which is
for the application of the lash to those who beat the softer sex;
this Advertiser wishes for its application to the softer sex itself.

Darwenism and Darwinism.

Writing from dirty Darwen, on its sanitary condition, Mr. J. B.
Deakin, in the Times, remarks that, ‘ ‘ Men caring more for their
specie than their species hold office in a Board of Health.” _ These
appear to be representative men at Darwen—men representing the
sentiments of Darwen on species, which so far seem to corroborate
the views of Darwin that they attest the existence of human beings
in an imperfectly developed state of humanity.