Punch (67.1874)

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October 24. 1874.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

167

EMPHATIC.

Old Lady {to Telegraph Clerk). “O please Mister just write me a Tele-
gram to my son John, and tell him to come Home directly, and mind and
put a Dash under ‘directly’ ! ! ”

CRYSTAL CONCERTS.

Now that the delightful Winter Concerts have begun,
men with music in their souls cannot do better with their
bodies on a Saturday than take them down to Sydenham,
between luncheon time and dinner. Many may prefer
the music of the whirring of the partridge, as it rises
from the turnips, or the rustling of the pheasant, as it
scrambles through the brakes. But men are not all
murderous : and some may better like to hear the beating
of a drum than the banging of a breechloader, or the
scraping of a fiddle than the yelping of a fox-hound.

At these Concerts Mr. Grove is still the principal
composer—that is, of the notes which vivify the pro-
gramme : and when he exults in singing praises of
Beethoven, he speaks out truly from his heart, and
must not be confounded with the Groves of Blarney.
Shunning prudently the clap-trap of critical slango-
graphy, he is an eloquent exponent of the beauties of
good music, and, for the benefit of ignoramuses in the art,
expounds its charms with elegant simplicity of language.

Moreover, as another magnet of attraction, Mr. Manns
conducts right manfully, or, if you like, right Manns-
fully. Not an omnibus in London boasts a cleverer
conductor. Practice makes perfect, say the copybooks
at school; and, by dint of daily practice, his band is now
as perfect as any one in Europe. With the careful aid
aforesaid, his programmes are the models of a musical
menu. Like a skilful chef, while catering for widely
varying tastes, he prudently abstains from monotony of
flavour. Assuredly, if music be the food of Love, Cupid
never need go fasting at the Crystal Palace.

A Famine Indeed.

An incident which has occurred in the experience of a
Preceptor, will doubtless occur repeatedly in that of
other Preceptors. According to a Book :—

“ In the year 1847-48, potatoes formed the sole food of the
Irish peasantry.”

A schoolboy read this passage as follows:—

“In the year 1847, forty-eight potatoes formed the
sole food of the Irish peasantry.”

Of course. Be careful in compiling school-books.

WAITING FOR A RISE.

As it would appear that nothing can be done in the matter of
legislating for the safe carriage of explosive substances until the
meeting of Parliament, it really would be as well if some simple
rules (for the guidance of the explosionists and those who are sub-
jected to the results of explosions) could be conveniently and
promptly published. It is not to be expected that bargemen and.
other persons in charge of gunpowder will take more than ordinary
care to insure safety to the public, and, therefore, it is incumbent
upon fathers of families to look to their own interests. Until the
proposed regulations are published, Mr. Punch trusts and believes
that the following suggestions will be found useful, both by
House-lifters and House-owners:

foundations of your mansion are thickly coated with india-rubber; so
that, in the event of an explosion, an easy descent of your household
may be looked for with hopeful confidence.

For obvious reasons all your furniture should be portable.

Never cross a bridge or pass a closed cart without opening your
umbrella—an article that on occasions may be used with much
benefit as a parachute

Small captive balloons should be kept suspended about _ two
hundred feet from and over the roof of your house. They will be
found very comfortable receptacles for your wife and family in
cases of sudden emergency.

Having taken the above precautions, to avoid any serious incon-
venience occurring from the results of an explosion, you should (if
possible) rest and be very thankful.

Hints eor House-Lieters.

Never light your pipe with the gas given off by the petroleum, as
a lucifer will be found infinitely more agreeable to the palate.

A lighted candle should not be fixed in the bung-hole of a barrel
of gunpowder, unless a candlestick or an empty bottle is not easily
procurable.

Casks of blasting-powder should be used as little as possible as
stools and tables in cabins in which fires are kept constantly burn-
ing, as, at their best, they are both ungainly and. unsightly.

The drivers of cars carrying explosive substances should be careful
not to throw their red-hot fusees on the barrels, to avoid damage to
the wood-work.

As tobacco can only be thoroughly enjoyed in moments of perfect
ease, smoking on barges should be rarely indulged in abaft the
loose gunpowder.

Hints eor House-Owners.

If you have a good sized front garden, it will be as well to erect
in it a sand-bag battery (if possible, bomb-proof), to resist the first
shock ox a sudden explosion.

If your house is built over a canal, you should see that the

EXTRAORDINARY JUVENILITY.

The Newcastle Chronicle announces that

“ For stealing a hat and a pound of grapes, the property of Thomas Waston,
a boy, Henry Carlisle, 21 years of age, was yesterday sent to prison for
three months by the Newcastle magistrates.”

The proverb which says indefinitely that “boys will be boys ”
appears to be at least partially borne out in the case above quoted.
If a boy does not cease to be a boy at twenty-one, when will he be a
man ?

But the Nottingham Express also recently contained the foUowing
advertisement:—

WANTED, at 62, Clarendon-street, Terrace Royal, a NURSE for
children, age from 20 to 30.

Hence it would appear not only that boys will be boys, but also
that girls will be girls, as children, of course, mean youth of both
sexes. No doubt there are plenty of girls, so called, aged from
twenty to thirty; but they do not want nurses—at least, whilst they
are well, and many girls of thirty object to tell their age.