DOI Heft:
December 5, 1874
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16939#0240
December 5, 1874.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
233
TO THE YOUNG LADIES OF ST. AMOROSUS.
he begs leave to suggest that
some other form of acknowledgment for his religious service, eloquent teach-
ing, and gentlemanly hearing, might occasionally be adopted by his devoted
admirers. He is willing to receive—
1. Rump-steaks and accompanying oysters, especially on Saturday, to
strengthen him for his Dominical duties.
2. Port wine: Mr. Chasuble, who suffers from clerical sorethroat, will
he happy to communicate the address of his favourite wine-merchant.
3. Cigars: Mr. Chasuble finds the sedative weed of great value after his
labours in the Confessional.
4. Rowlands’ Macassar and Glenfield Starch for his hair and his surplices.
5. Perfumes : Frangipani for feasts, Patchouli for fasts, Attar of Roses for
evening parties.
6. Mr. Chasuble will he at home daily from eleven to one, to he attended
by any young Lady of sartorial capacity, who wishes to measure him for
coats, waistcoats, or continuations.
N.B.—To Hebrews only. Slippers on Sale—never yet worn, and very cheap.
MEN WE DON’T WANT TO MEET.
The Man who grunts and gasps as he gobbles up his soup, and at every
other mouthful seems threatened with a choking fit.
The Man who, having by an accident been thrown once in your company,
makes bold to bawl your name out, and to shake your hand profusely when
you pass him in the street.
The Man who, pleading old schoolfellowship, which you have quite forgotten,
never meets you without trying to extort a fivepound note.
The Man who volunteers his criticism on your new play or picture, and points
out its worst faults in presence of your wife.
The Man who artfully provokes you to play a game of billiards with him,
and, though he feigns to be a novice, produces his own chalk.
The Man who can’t sit at your table on any set occasion without getting on
his legs to propose some stupid toast.
The Man who, thinking you are musical, bores you with his notions on
the music of the future, of which you know as little as the music of the
spheres.
The Man who wears a white hat in the winter, and smokes a pipe when
walking, and accosts you as “old fellow” just as you are hoping to make
a good impression on some well-dressed lady friends.
The Man who, knowing that your doctor faces him at table, turns the
talk so as to set him talking doctor’s shop.
The Man who, with a look of urgent business, when you are in a burry,
takes you by the button-hole to tell you a bad joke.
The Man who, sitting just behind you at the Opera, destroys half your
enjoyment by humming all the airs.
The Man who makes remarks on your personal adornment, asks you where
you buy your waistcoats, and wbat you paid for your dress-boots.
The Man who lards his talk with little scraps of
French and German after his return from a continental
tour.
The Man who. spoils your pleasure in seeing a new
play by applauding in wrong places, and muttering in
stage-whispers his comments on the plot.
And, to finish with, the Man who, when you draw
back slightly to appreciate a picture, coolly comes and
stands in front of you, and then receding, also treads
upon your toes.
PROTESTANT INVENTIONS.
“ Q. Must not Catholics believe the Pope in himself to be
infallible ?
“A. This is a Protestant invention.”— Catholic Catechism.
Rome holds it worse than imbecility
About Infallibility
Broadcast to sow dissension;
In fact, tbe dogma, all must see
In sense of Acton, Petre, Shee,
Is Protestant invention.
“ Quod semper, quod ubique, quod
Ab omnibus ’’—though priestly nod
Lay sinners now and then shun—
That priest was ever known to doubt
Or varying views thereof let out,
Is Protestant invention.
Rome never Heretic bonfire made,
Preached ’gainst Prince Protestant crusade,
To cause just apprehension ;
Ne’er laid scourge on Low-Country back—
Alva’s block, Torquemada’s rack,
Are Protestant invention.
Rome, ’mong her means, ne’er used Confession
To worm out secret, veil transgression,
Or ease the piteous tension
Of conscience in poor Paddy sent
With slugs to settle for the rent—
All Protestant invention!
Rome wrests not next world’s hopes and fears
Husband and wife to set by th’ ears,
And in homes breed dissension;
Direction spiritual ne’er
To temporal ends doth overbear—
That’s Protestant invention !
Rome ne’er was known ingenuous youth
By stealth from heresy to truth
To aid in his ascension :
Pastors and Parents kept i’ the dark,
Till Priest to flame had fanned the spark,—
Mere Protestant invention!
Rome over noble millionnaire
Ne’er dropped her Church-fly, light as air—
Your coarser baits such men shun ;—
Till hooked, played, gaffed, the fine flat fish
Was dished as only Priests can dish—
All Protestant invention!
1 Romish Confessional within
No question e’er brought thoughts of sin
To maiden comprehension:
Her pure Confessors ne’er were known
On souls sans stain to stamp their own;
That’s Protestant invention!
A saw has wide acceptance found
That Satan’s favourite training-ground
Is paved with good intentions ;
Now that Macadam’s in disgrace,
And Old Nick paves his little place
With Protestant inventions.
CON. FOR COLONIALS.
Which modern Composer’s name best describes most
Colonial Bishops ?
Offen-bach.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
233
TO THE YOUNG LADIES OF ST. AMOROSUS.
he begs leave to suggest that
some other form of acknowledgment for his religious service, eloquent teach-
ing, and gentlemanly hearing, might occasionally be adopted by his devoted
admirers. He is willing to receive—
1. Rump-steaks and accompanying oysters, especially on Saturday, to
strengthen him for his Dominical duties.
2. Port wine: Mr. Chasuble, who suffers from clerical sorethroat, will
he happy to communicate the address of his favourite wine-merchant.
3. Cigars: Mr. Chasuble finds the sedative weed of great value after his
labours in the Confessional.
4. Rowlands’ Macassar and Glenfield Starch for his hair and his surplices.
5. Perfumes : Frangipani for feasts, Patchouli for fasts, Attar of Roses for
evening parties.
6. Mr. Chasuble will he at home daily from eleven to one, to he attended
by any young Lady of sartorial capacity, who wishes to measure him for
coats, waistcoats, or continuations.
N.B.—To Hebrews only. Slippers on Sale—never yet worn, and very cheap.
MEN WE DON’T WANT TO MEET.
The Man who grunts and gasps as he gobbles up his soup, and at every
other mouthful seems threatened with a choking fit.
The Man who, having by an accident been thrown once in your company,
makes bold to bawl your name out, and to shake your hand profusely when
you pass him in the street.
The Man who, pleading old schoolfellowship, which you have quite forgotten,
never meets you without trying to extort a fivepound note.
The Man who volunteers his criticism on your new play or picture, and points
out its worst faults in presence of your wife.
The Man who artfully provokes you to play a game of billiards with him,
and, though he feigns to be a novice, produces his own chalk.
The Man who can’t sit at your table on any set occasion without getting on
his legs to propose some stupid toast.
The Man who, thinking you are musical, bores you with his notions on
the music of the future, of which you know as little as the music of the
spheres.
The Man who wears a white hat in the winter, and smokes a pipe when
walking, and accosts you as “old fellow” just as you are hoping to make
a good impression on some well-dressed lady friends.
The Man who, knowing that your doctor faces him at table, turns the
talk so as to set him talking doctor’s shop.
The Man who, with a look of urgent business, when you are in a burry,
takes you by the button-hole to tell you a bad joke.
The Man who, sitting just behind you at the Opera, destroys half your
enjoyment by humming all the airs.
The Man who makes remarks on your personal adornment, asks you where
you buy your waistcoats, and wbat you paid for your dress-boots.
The Man who lards his talk with little scraps of
French and German after his return from a continental
tour.
The Man who. spoils your pleasure in seeing a new
play by applauding in wrong places, and muttering in
stage-whispers his comments on the plot.
And, to finish with, the Man who, when you draw
back slightly to appreciate a picture, coolly comes and
stands in front of you, and then receding, also treads
upon your toes.
PROTESTANT INVENTIONS.
“ Q. Must not Catholics believe the Pope in himself to be
infallible ?
“A. This is a Protestant invention.”— Catholic Catechism.
Rome holds it worse than imbecility
About Infallibility
Broadcast to sow dissension;
In fact, tbe dogma, all must see
In sense of Acton, Petre, Shee,
Is Protestant invention.
“ Quod semper, quod ubique, quod
Ab omnibus ’’—though priestly nod
Lay sinners now and then shun—
That priest was ever known to doubt
Or varying views thereof let out,
Is Protestant invention.
Rome never Heretic bonfire made,
Preached ’gainst Prince Protestant crusade,
To cause just apprehension ;
Ne’er laid scourge on Low-Country back—
Alva’s block, Torquemada’s rack,
Are Protestant invention.
Rome, ’mong her means, ne’er used Confession
To worm out secret, veil transgression,
Or ease the piteous tension
Of conscience in poor Paddy sent
With slugs to settle for the rent—
All Protestant invention!
Rome wrests not next world’s hopes and fears
Husband and wife to set by th’ ears,
And in homes breed dissension;
Direction spiritual ne’er
To temporal ends doth overbear—
That’s Protestant invention !
Rome ne’er was known ingenuous youth
By stealth from heresy to truth
To aid in his ascension :
Pastors and Parents kept i’ the dark,
Till Priest to flame had fanned the spark,—
Mere Protestant invention!
Rome over noble millionnaire
Ne’er dropped her Church-fly, light as air—
Your coarser baits such men shun ;—
Till hooked, played, gaffed, the fine flat fish
Was dished as only Priests can dish—
All Protestant invention!
1 Romish Confessional within
No question e’er brought thoughts of sin
To maiden comprehension:
Her pure Confessors ne’er were known
On souls sans stain to stamp their own;
That’s Protestant invention!
A saw has wide acceptance found
That Satan’s favourite training-ground
Is paved with good intentions ;
Now that Macadam’s in disgrace,
And Old Nick paves his little place
With Protestant inventions.
CON. FOR COLONIALS.
Which modern Composer’s name best describes most
Colonial Bishops ?
Offen-bach.