Punch (67.1874)

November 21, 1874.]

211

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“THE BEATING OF MY OWN WIFE.”
Air—“ The beating of my own Heart.”

I’d melted all my wages,

Ere of beer I liad my fill,

For a bob I asked the Missus
—There’s a way where there’s a will.
She refused, I took the poker,

The neighbours never stirred,

For the beating of my own wife
Was the only sound they heard.

A sneak blowed to the Crushers,

I was lugged afore the Beak—

But I know’d that it was nothing:

The old gal had her squeak:

They fined me forty shillings,

I paid it like a bird,

And the beating of my own wife,
Perhaps, that night was heard.

But rights is rights no longer ;

Cross swears he ’ll eat his hat,

Or jolly dogs, as wops their gals,

Shall suffer from the Cat.

If that brutal measure passes,

Take William Sikes his word,

That the beating of his own wife
Will not again be heard.

Tithes!

Our friend, the Rev. Adam Manybairn, who, with
that wise defiance of Malthus which belongs to the
clerical intellect, has just christened his ninth child,
tells everybody that the next shall be called “ Decimus ”
or “ Decima,” according to sex, and given freely to the
public. He thinks this a proper way of showing his
gratitude for the tithes he once received in kind, and
still receives per commutation.

Mr. Punch agrees. A Church that would appropriate
a tithe of all children born, and educate them on the
right principle, would soon raise the nation to a higher
level.

Jeames. “ Mornin’, Mr. Jarvice. What’s the News?”

Mr. J. (the old Coachman). “ Well, I’ve ’eard the best bit o’ News this
Morning as I’ve ’eard for many a Day, from our Butler. He tell me
THE Win’YARDS is *A COMIN’ ROUND,’ AND THERE’S EVERY PrOSFEc’ OF OUR
GETTIN’ SOME MORE GOOD MaDEIRY ! ! ”

Cape and Cope.—There is a certain tribe of African
Natives bearing a name which may be thought applicable
also to a tribe of sacerdotal fetish worshippers nearer
home—the Boshmen.

OUR MAYORS.

Faithful to a time-honoured custom, we seme the earliest possible
moment after the ninth, the day which decides the destinies of the
Municipalities for another year, to pass under review the roll of new
Mayors:—

The Lord Mayor of London is Stone, the Mayor of Glossop Wood.

Manchester is ruled by a King, Beccles by its Masters, Preston is
content with a Fryer, but Colchester is so steadfast to a Bishop as
to elect him for the sixth time. A Chamberlain and a Chevallier
are again supreme at Birmingham and Ipswich, and Margate has
elected a Reeve—and yet he is not a Boroughreeve, but as much a
Mayor as the rest of his brethren.

The Mayor of Bath is a Paynter, of Newcastle on Tyne a Potter,
of Wisbeach a Mason, of Monmouth a Baker, of South Molton a
Tanner, of Barnsley a Carter, of Barnstaple a Harper, of Lichfield a
Coxon, and of Canterbury a Wright.

They have a Brooke at Batley, a Lake at Gravesend, a Firth at
Dewsbury and Sheffield, a Marsh at Kingston, a Moore at Plymouth,
and Wells at Hull.

There is a Hurst at Bedford, a Croft at Lymington and Richmond,
a Freshfield at Godmanchester and a Crossley at Halifax, a Platt at
Sudbury, a Thorpe at Hastings, and Hills at Helston and Yeovil.

Bootle possesses Barnes, Peterborough Gates, Sunderland Potts,
Middlesborough a Bell, Ryde a Barrow, and Hanley a Cartledge.

Thomas at Bristol, Edwards at Longton and Wolverhampton,
Richards at Falmouth, Lewis at Carnarvon, Adamson at Tynemouth,
and Levy at the two cathedral cities, Rochester and Worcester.

If the Mayor of Boston is Small, the Mayor of Conway is Bulke-
ley ; if he is Brown at Deal, he is White at Shrewsbury ; if a New-
man at St. Ives, a Norman at DevoDport; and if there is a Welch-
wan at Poole, at Rochdale there is a Tweedale.

It will be no surprise to the thousands who embark and disembark
at the flourishing port of Southampton to be told that its Mayor is

a Passenger. We hope the citizens of Oxford have got the Round
man in the round hole, and that the inhabitants of Newport (Isle
of Wight) will not be catechised by their Pinnock. Newark has
—can you guess ?— a good Riddell; Pwllheli no ordinary Jones,
but a Picton; and, lastly, there is a Rodd at Penzance, Cutts at
East Retford, Payn at Faversham, and Death at Cambridge.

A GLOSSARY TO RAILWAY PHRASES.

“ The Passengers were severely shaken.” Hundreds of people

barely escaped with their lives.

“No Casualty is reported.” The Representatives of the Press
not having as yet arrived on the spot where the accident took place#
“ The Accident was not serious.” Only half a dozen railway
officials killed and wounded. „ ,,

“ The Accident was caused by unavoidable circumstances.” New
words for gross carelessness and reckless stupidity.

“ The Express was despatched at its usual hour.” The Train was
hurriedlv started off forty minutes late.

“ The'Pointsman was at his post.” And had been there for the
last eighteen hours. . .

“ The Accident is much to be regretted.” A vision of Passengers
obtaining heavy damages, awarded them by sympathetic Juries of
their countrymen. ’

“ The Alteration, recommended at the Inquest, was on the point
of being made at the very time that the Accident happened. ” The
danger, although fully appreciated for years, had been considered
unworthy of the expense that its removal would entail, until a
public exposure rendered the outlay necessary.

“ Hasty Legislation is to be deprecated.” As the Directors have
no wish to render themselves liable to be tried for Manslaughter.

“An Accident of this character is not likely to happen again.’
Until the next time!