Punch (67.1874)

October 24, 1874.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI.

169

from these circular bores. He is bound by bis vow to Cook, as it
were, to visit only certain Cookian Hotels mentioned by bis Cbef :
well, so are tbe others. At the first hotel be meets with the two
Old Maids bent on rapid sight-seeing, with a horror of theatres, and
a shrinking dread of tbe wickedness of foreigners generally; then
there’s tbe Military Man, of no particular regiment, but with an
intimate knowledge of “ things at tbe Horse Guards.” Then there’s
tbe middle-aged Clergyman, in disguise, who is pompous in bis
conversation; and there are two Clerical Turtle-doves (a male and
female parson, evidently “ high ”) out for their honeymoon, which,
with a bad cold, they call their ‘ ‘ hullybool; ” and of course there
are the usual number of Irish Ladies and Gentlemen, who are
annoyed at being asked if they happen to know some other Irish
Ladies and Gentlemen in Dublin, and who, when they do talk of
their own country, never condescend to mention anyone below The
Mulligan, or The Knight of Kerry, or “ me grandfather, Sorr, was
a great friend of the late look, and the story ye’ve heard about
the present Jook isn’t anyway true ; I ’ll tell you,” &c. Then there
are the regular Tourists, who “ are not going there ”—wherever it
may be you ’ve asked them about—“ this year, because they went
there two years ago,” and who are ready to speak of every place
under the sun, and to compare mountains and molehills; this last
class are in great force at Boulogne at a certain time of year, and I
do not fancy they ever get much beyond that amusing Anglo-French
colony. Then there are the entertaining Old Ladies, travelling alone,
or with a companion, who tell of what they recollect the Continent
to have been in their day; and the Confidential People, who, on the
slightest encouragement, give you their private histories, with the
reasons for their coming abroad, and a full view of their financial
resources; and, finally, the loud-voiced, Humorous Gentleman, who
sees something exquisitely absurd in everything which isn’t purely
English, and who has a few good stories which do not improve on
repetition. If all these are Cook’s, and, if you are Cook’s, in this
delightful society you must travel, for they will turn up at all the
Cookian hotels with the certainty of a roundabout at a fair.

But the Knowing Tourist who has allowed the Chef to make up
his mind for him can avoid these nuisances by referring to the
inside of the covers of the little green books thoughtfully provided
for the convenience of the travelling ticket-holders, where he will
ascertain to what hotels Cook’s circuit people are bound to go, and
these he can carefully avoid.

So much for some of the appliances of modern travel.

Next let the Tourist make up his mind what he will take with
him, or, when he goes to buy a Bradshaw, or a Murray, or some
guide-book (I shall have a word to say on guide-books and train-
books anon), he will find himself suddenly struck by the apparent
absolute necessity of providing himself with a portable boot-jack, a
reversible bath (which will also do for a white waistcoat), a leg-rest,
a, bag with compartments for everything, a system of travelling
maps (including one of the World with all the short cuts marked on
it), pencils with india-rubber at the other end, umbrellas to fold up
and go inside telescopes, pocket race-glasses, pocket chronometers,
pocket compasses, and, in fact, so many things “adapted to the
pocket,” that you have to finish by goingto your tailor and order-
ing a suit of pockets all over, in order to adapt yourself to your
purchases.

While you ’re about it, if you want to amuse your fellow travellers,
you had better have one pocket made large enough to hold a bowl
of gold fish, and then you can do that trick en route, and if nobody
knows it, pick up a trifle to help you along. At all events, you will
•show yourself an agreeable companion. Ventriloquism can also be
acquired, I believe, without injury to the health; and then, if in
addition to the gold fish, you can imitate the growling of a dog
under the seat, or the voice of somebody—say “ Tommy,” as usual—
who wants to come in through the hole in the roof where the lamp
is, you will be “capital company,” and, perhaps, get so much a
year from Me. Cook to go round the world with his Tourists, and
keep them amused.

PROTAP AND ANTITAP.

he illustrious visitor from
the East (Baboo Phot a p
Chamdka Mozoomdar)
whose name, we trust,
will, in his own lan-
guage, be of less evil
omen for the cause he
advocates,” &c., &c.—
Times.

Hail to the great
Alliance!

Hail to Anti and
Pro!

If to these we yield
compliance,

Where are we like
to go ?

Hail to Sie Wilfrid,
the witty!

Who chaff around
him flings,

Till we almost think,
for orators’
drink,

Water’s the best of
things.'*

Hail to the Baboo
Peotap,

Lecturer, straight
from the East,

Whose name suggests
that no tap

Would frighten him
in the least!

He holds that to civilise India
We must all Good Templars be :
Queer thing to say, in our puissant day,
To the lords of earth and sea.

Sie Wilfrid, when he urges
His hobby, we like to hear :

Let him sing his doleful dirges
Over Liberals beaten by beer.

There’s a fair half-truth in his clap-trap,

’Tis touched by a pleasant wit;

And haters of beer, ’tis very clear,

In the House of Commons sit.

But neither the Baronet, Anti,

Nor yet the Baboo, Pro,

Though the latter is quite andante,

While the other is allegro,

Can induce Mr. Punch to listen
To sophistry severe,

Which would brand as accurst a natural thirst,
And “ rob a poor man of his beer.”

Let the ploughman drink with its foam on’t
His draught of amber ale ;

Let it cheer each restful moment
Of the wielder of the flail:

Let bright wine charm the banquets
Which help us life to endure,

While our lady sips with dainty lips
Champagne that’s sound and pure.

The Circuitous Traveller.

I ’M a bond fide Traveller, I ’ll undertake to show—

Three miles from where I slept last night; and how do you better
know ?

I am good three miles, and more, from home, whatever you choose
to say—

Any number of miles you like from home—in a roundabout kind of
way.

Cross Purposes.

Me. Ceoss, at Edinburgh, received one Anti-Toll Abolition depu-
tation and one For-Toll-Abolition. The Honourable Gentleman
observed that “the result could have been easily fore-told.’'’ The
second deputation received this remark as favourable to its par-
ticular object.

Ay. the United Alliance,

With its prate, and even its wit,

Sets English sense at defiance,

And there’s the end of it.

Mbs. Pabtlngtoh tried to mop out
The mighty waves of the sea;

The Alliance would fain bind down with a chain
A nation that means to be free.

* "Agicrrov fji.it ffdag- -PlNDAR.

THE PEBILS OP THE PAEK.

The Powder Magazine in Hyde Park ought unquestionably to be
removed. There are too many dangerous “sparks” always about
in that neighbourhood.