Punch (71.1876)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 21, 1876.

CURIOUS AWARDS.

The Philadelphia Exhibition
Awards to Exhibitors from Great
Britain and Ireland, as published
last week in the Times, will well
repay a little careful investigation.
Let us address ourselves to the
task, without any selfish con-
siderations as to the endowment
which may reward our research.

A stumbling - block lies right
across the threshold of our inquiry.
What are " Dyed Silesias " ? The
Office will remain open till a late
hour this evening, for the accom-
modation of those favoured ex-
perts who may be disposed to call
and give the required information.

" Cotton Gin." We disseminate
the announcement of this Award
with'some doubt and mistrust, not
umuingled with a feeling of regret
at the action of the United States
in this particular instance ; seem-
ing, as it does to us, to be tanta-
mount to giving a premium to
intemperance. (Is " Cotton Gin"
a sort of "Shrub"_?)

" Pleasure Carriages." In the
absence of more precise informa-
tion as to what these Carriages
are, we can only venture pretty
confidently to assert what they are not—they are not.Omnibuses, or
Four-Wheeled Cabs, or Third-Class Railway Compartments.

"Middlings." At first this seemed utterly incomprehensible,
an impenetrable mystery, baffling conjecture, and defeating sur-
mise. But a little reflection reminded us that history is not without
examples of honours, awards, distinctions, prizes, and emoluments,
falling to middling, very middling, individuals, and things. For
instance, there are some very middling statues in our own Metro-
polis, to which first premiums have been awarded ; and it is within
the memory of many persons now living that Cabinets have con-
tained some verv middling Statesmen. Is it possible, therefore,
that at Philadelphia some middling articles may have slipped into
a better place than they actually deserve ?

"Mustard Plasters," &c. Oar private advices assure us that the
competition in this class was very keen, and that the heroic Judges,
resolutely bent on testing the merits of the various Plasters by
personal application, went through untold suffering before they
could conscientiously award the palm of victory.

"Automatic Stoker." Strange to say, the mechanical engine-
driver and the wonderful clock-work guard are not even mentioned.
Perhaps they are reserved for the Supplementary List.

"Job Printing-Press." Some evils we know must always exist
—such as mosquitoes, marriages for money, indifferently cooked
potatoes, taxes, duns, and jobs. Let us therefore be thankful that,
as regards jobs at least, there are special Printing-Presses to make
their existence known and give them publicity, and so aid in dimi-
nishing their occurrence and thwarting their operation.

"Dental Porcelain." We conclude this is an elegant euphemism
for false teeth. A tribute of admiration is due to the self-sacrifice
and patriotism of those Judges who submitted their gums to the
necessary experiments.

"Blarney Tweeds." Highly recommended as very suitable for
those members of Society who are called upon to make complimen-
tary speeches, election addresses, and parliamentary harangues.
Indispensable also to persons of both sexes engaged in the composi-
tion of love letters. (It is almost superfluous to add that these
articles are of Irish manufacture.)

" Lastings." Many will be the guesses hazarded as to what these
articles may be. As proprietors of a few little boys and girls, we can
but hope they are boots and shoes, and articles of wearing apparel.

" Special Award. Irish Setter Bitch." Great jealousy on the
part of the English Bull-dog and the Scotch Terrier.

N.B.—Of all the successful firms, not one takes our fancy so much
as " Yotjngand Strong." We shall be glad to negotiate with these
gentlemen if they have a vacancy in their house for a nice well-
disposed youth, who could be taken in without the formality of a
premium, and who might look forward in a few years' time to a
share in the business.

Income-Tax Returns.— Does it ? Kot if the Commissioners are
aware of it.

SOUTH-SHIELDS SWOEDSMEN.

" The tongue is a sharp sword."

How excellent a thing is urbanity in those who sit in the seat of
Council! And how valuable the function of the local reporter who
daily or weekly gives to the little world of his own city or town the
utterances of its municipal wisdom. The more literally this is done
no doubt the better on the whole ; even if the result may sometimes
be startling. Some municipal worthies, not satisfied with calling
spades spades, will insist on putting upon their spades an edge of
very sharp and strong language. Thus in the report of a recent
Council Meeting at South Shields, we read—d propos of a question
about the renting of a Rate Collector's office :—

" Alderman Dale considered it was only right that Mr. Elliott should
have an office.

" Mr. Young : It is really too bad; it's a piece of d-d impertinence.

(Sensation and ' Order !')

" In reply to a question by Mr. Mabane, he was informed that the furni-
ture for the office was ordered.

" Mr. Mabane : Then I will press my Amendment the stronger.

" The Vote was then taken, when there were for the Amendment, 9;
against it, 11. The Amendment was declared lost, and the original Motion
carried.

" Mr. Young : Then I will move another Amendment, that the men who
ordered the furniture pay for it.

"Alderman Glover: The Motion has been put and carried, and the
subject has been settled.

" Mr. Young : I say it has not been settled ; it is not true.

• Alderman Glover : Sit down. Sir !

"Mr. Young: No I won't; I will see you d--d first. (Sensation, and

'Order!')

" Alderman Glover : You have heard the expression made use of by
Councillor Young. It is neither the expression of a Gentleman nor a
Councillor, and I hope this Council will not permit it—('Hear, hear ! ')—else
I Bhall certainly leave the Chair.

" Alderman James : Mr. Young should withdraw the expression.

" Mr. English : I ask Mr. Young to withdraw that expression. There
is no occasion for it.

" Mr. Young : Well, I formally withdraw the expression, but I feel very
strongly, and--

"Alderman Glover : You have apologised, and need not say any more.

" Mr. Young : But--

"Alderman Glover : Sit down, Sir !
" The subject was then dropped."

Perhaps the sooner Me. Young is treated like the subject, the
better.

Ma. Mabane, who figures in the above lively passage of arms,
was himself forced to appeal to the protection of the Deputy-Mayor
before the meeting was over. The question was as to a vote for the
School-Board expenses (on amendment of the amendment).

" Mr. Bowman spoke against the amendment, and hoped that those who
voted for the one previous would stick to their colours, and not make fools of
themselves by voting in favour of the present amendment.

"Alderman Williamson : Then you say that those persons who do not
agree with you are fools.

" Mr. Bowman : I did not mean that; only that those persons who voted
before in a certain line should stick to their colours.

" The vote was then taken, when the voting was precisely the same as on
the previous occasion, and the amendment by Mr. Scott was lost.

" Mr. Donald moved another amendment, that the estimate for the
School-Board be £3000.

" Mr. Young seconded the amendment.

" Mr. Mabane protested, as being unfair, that after they had scored two
victories, a Gentleman, who had previously been neutral, should now rise up
and propose another amendment. It was unfair and ungentlemanly.

" Alderman Glover : I must call you to order. It is improper to make
use of the word 'ungentlemanly.'

" Mr. Scott : It is a very improper expression.

" Alderman Glover : Mr. Mabane must withdraw that remark.

" Mr. Mabane : Well, for the sake of getting on, I will withdraw the
expression, but I still hold to my opinion that it is unfair.

" The vote was then taken, when there were, for the amendment—13.
Against—10. The amendment was declared carried, and with this emenda-
tion the report of the Finance Committee was adopted.

" Mr. Mabane : It is disgraceful.

" Mr. Scott {to Mr. Mabane) : Go down to the schools and see for yourself.
" Mr. Mabane : Everybody has not a brother there. (Laughter and
confusion.)

"After order had been somewhat restored, Mr. Mabane informed the
Deputy-Mayor that Mr. Scott had called him a donkey— (laughter)—and
he hoped the Deputy-Mayor would make him withdraw the word.

" Mr. Scott : I withdraw the ' donkey.' (Loud laughter.)"

Will our readers do as Mil. Scott did ?

a capital prospect.

We learn from the Posters that Mrs. John Wood is about to
open the St. James's Theatre, with Three Millions of Money!
Evidently the Theatre will want no " Property Man.