Punch (71.1876)

December 16, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 267

MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

Section VIII. and Last.—Concerning Pall Mall.

hen Mr. Punch met his
pupils in the ante-room,
the face of the sage was
sad. " My friends," said
he, "the moment has
arrived when we must
part. I have shown you
during the course of these
lectures how to enter the
Army, and how to behave
in it when honoured with
a place in the Army List.
And surely that is enough.
Colonel Charles of the
Royal East Mudborough
Militia, stealthily brushed
away a tear, Ensign
Eugene, of the Volun-
teers, blew his nose with
unusual energy, and even
Lieutenant and Captain
George of the Grenadiers
(Green) was affected. As
for little Sir Frank
Geegee, K. C. B., he
whined in the most dis-
mal manner possible.
"Why leave off?" asked
the four pupils together. "Because, my friends," replied Mr.
Punch, "a Guide to the Army appearing in the leading English
paper (for my lectures are reported in the London Charivari ), might
be considered at such a time as this,.as threatening to the peace
of Europe. Foreigners might imagine that we were going to arm
in earnest." "You are quite right," returned Colonel Charles.
"I had given permission to the Band of the Royal East Mud-
borough Militia to play at an amateur performance. The permis-
sion shall be withdrawn. We cannot be too careful in avoiding
the chance of an imputation of making demonstrations in force."

And then for the last time Mr. Punch addressed his pupils as the
Teacher of the Army.

Part L. The Horse Guards. The Executive of the Army is to
be found in a number of houses in Pall Mall. The houses opposite
the Rag and Junior Carlton belong to the War Office and the Horse
Guards. A small building in St. James's Square is quite large
enough to contain the Intelligence Department of the Service. The
War Office, like an official Octopus, has branches in the neighbour-
hood of Spring Gardens, but these branches are not of much im-
portance. The two great Establishments of the Executive are the
Horse Guards and the War Office.

The Horse Guards is called, at the present moment, the Horse
Guards, because it has nothing whatever to do with the Horse
Guards. It is supposed that the name was originally given to the
Department because a former Commander-in-Chief swore until
everything was "Blue." This must have been very many years
ago, because no modern Commander-in-Chief has been known to
use any stronger expression than " oh dear me ! " and this only at
times of great excitement.

The mission of the Horse Guards is to quarrel with the War
Office. Although next-door neighbours, every kind of moral im-
pediment is placed as a barrier in the dark passage which leads from
the one to the other. The War Office has not always been able to
maintain the reputation of being Civil. The Horse Guards has
never been anything but Military. Two immense Grenadiers are
crammed under a portico at the entrance, and the hall looks more
like a Guard-room than a Government Office. The Messengers are
Soldiers, and the Chiefs of the Departments are Soldiers, too.
Scarlet meets you on every side, and appropriately the work of the
Horse Guards consists chiefly of Red Tape.

The Commander-in-Chief has many duties. It is he who decides
upon the adoption of a new button—of course, after obtaining the
sanction of the Secretary of State for War. It is he who arranges
about the Peace Campaigns of the Forces—of course, after obtaining
the sanction of the Secretary of State for War. In fact, it is he who
commands the Army—of course, after obtaining the sanction of the
Secretary of State for War. From this it will be seen that the
Commander-in-Chief (or, to be more exact, the Officer Commanding-
in-Chief) is an Independent Official of the very last importance.
And yet at times ill-feeling is said to exist between the Commander-
in-Chief and the Secretary of State for War. If the Soldier claims
the authority, the Civilian holds the money ; if " the Duke " wants
this done, " Mr. So-and-So " would be delighted to oblige him if the
Nation would only afford the expense.

Under these circumstances certain rude people have suggested
that the Horse Guards in its present condition is not quite so useful
an Institution of the Country as it might be made to be.

Part TL. The War Office— The War Office is quite a different
place. A solitary Sentinel guards the roomy court-yard. The hall
is full of obliging Messengers of the homely type—portly, grey-
haired, and intensely unmilitary. The waiting-room is decorated
with an old Picture of the Judgment of Solomon, some spirited
Lithographs of Provincial Hotels, a List of Newspapers, a Book
from a House Agent, and the Programme of the Royal Polytechnic
Institution. It is in this cheery, unconventional apartment that
Deputations are collected together, and hard-worked Clerks have
little chats with their friends on "private business." If you wish
to see Mr. Tentereour, a Boy carries up your name on a slip of
paper to the proper Department, and, owing to the intelligence and
activity of the youthful Mercurius, you are kept in suspense for the
appearance of the genial Tentereour seldom less than ten minutes
and sometimes more than two hours. And is] not this as it should
be ? Is not the apartment a waiting-room ?

The War Office delights in Forms'for the transmission of business.
Scarcely an Army List is published that does not contain at least
half-a-dozen Forms to be filled in and signed by one Officer and
countersigned by another. Mr. Punch, always anxious to be
practical, begs to submit to Officers of the Army the most useful
Form of all. If an Officer is a good fellow, and has been up to
Town, he is sure to have met a Man in the War Office. Of this Man
he should make a Friend, and, once having secured him as a Friend,
he can use the following document as occasion may require :—

Form for obtaining an Exchange, getting Special Leave,
and other Favours.

My dear Old Man,

You are such an awfully kind old Fellow, that I don't
mind bothering you a bit. Although I admit it is a little rough
upon you to be always asking you to be doing something or other.
But the fact is, I want—[Here insert what you ivant.~\ I am sure
you will get it managed for me if you can. If you see Billy, give
him my love.

F. It. 0. M. Tentereour, Esq. Mine ever,

Tommy d'Atkins.

If this does not get you what you need, all Mr. P unch can say
is, that he knows very little of the kind-heartedness of those most
obliging- and most hard-working of Officials — the Clerks at the
War Office.

Conversation on Section VIII.

Ensign Eugene. My dear Mr. Punch, before you go, cannot you
tell us something about foreign Armies ?

Mr. Punch. My dear Ensign Eugene, of the Volunteers, I made
up my mind only to deal with our own Forces. But, to oblige you,
I can hint that the Russians have several million Soldiers ; but of
these several millions only a few hundred thousands really exist.
The rest are merely efficient—on paper.

Colonel Charles. The German Latidwehr is a sort of Militia, is
it not ?

Mr. Punch. Yes, my dear Colonel. Prince von Bismarck has
recently declared that peace between England and Germany has
been the tradition for centuries. Under these circumstances it is
highly improbable that the English Militia will ever meet the
German Militia in deadly combat. This will, of course, be very
lucky for—the weaker Militia.

Lieutenant and Captain George.—And what, Sir, is the strength
of the British Army ?

Mr. Punch. My good Friend, I will answer your question, and
bring my lectures to a conclusion, with the assertion that the strength
of the British Army may be summed up in the words, " unlimited
pluck."

Impromptu by Sir Wilfrid.

"One teetotaller, Adam Ayles, was as fine a fellow as ever stepped, and
he kept on his legs manfully to the last."— Captain Sir George Nares,
at the Portsmouth Arctic Entertainment, November 30.

A health to gallant Adam Ayles,
Who o'er the topers still prevails,
From scurvy safe, and Arctic gales,
Through drinking only Adam's Ales !

proverb for diplomatists.

11 Bis mark qui citb mark.v—"He makes his mark twice, who
makes it quickly." _

Best Four in Hand.—Honours at Whist.