Punch (74.1878)

LONDON CHARIVARI. 13

TASKS FOR THE NEW KING OF ITALY.

To protect British Travellers from the ill-usage of
his Police.

To abolish bribery amongst the Officers of his Customs.
To improve the drainage of Venice and the behaviour
of the Tiber.

To'.found a College for the instruction of guides in
the English and French languages,
i To establish a Tariff of Hotel charges for Naples,
Florence, Genoa, Venice, and Milan.

To annex Monaco, and put down M. Blanc's establish-
ment at Monte Carlo.

To impress all the Italian Organ-grinders, and then
to send the ship they are aboard of for a six years'
voyage of discovery to the North Pole.

To cause Punch to be translated into Italian every
Wednesday.

To establish a' British Agency for the supply of Opera-
singers in London at Italian prices.

To lend the British Government the services of Signor
Vekdi for the reorganisation of the Metropolitan Music-
Hails.

To make the cheating of foreiguers (other than " per-
sonally conducted tourists ") in Italian shops a criminal
offence.

To forbid the use of garlic amongst waiters.
To put down mosquitos.

To make it up with the Pope, and to ask the Holy
Father for "hats" for John Henry Newman (Hon.
Fellow of Trinity College, Oxon), and Mr. Whalley,
M.P. for Peterborough.

To cherish his amiable and beautiful Queen Mae
gherita, and set an example of all the domestic \irtues.

And, lastly, to remember how much Italian Unity
owes to the encouragement and moral support of the
British Nation.

THE LAST SELL.

" Oh Sir, please Sib, is this Chancery Lane 1
"It is."

"Ah I i knowed it was i "

"Then why did you ask?"

" 'cos i wanted to have counsel's opinion ! "

A Baker in the Hot of it.

The Constantinople Correspondent of the Pall-Mali
Gazette says, in a recent letter, that Baker Pasha " has,
as usual, been put to rough work." In this case his
rough work was the covering of Shakir Pasha's re-
treat from Kamarli. Baker Pasha, covering Shakir
Pasha's strategic movement to the rear, was, no doubt,
a case of the right man in the right place. But it is only
fair,, to Turkey to say that a Shaker is an exception
among her generals. Traitor Pashas she may have had,
and Bungler Pashas in plenty but Shaker and Quaker
Pashas have not yet been seen in the Sultan's uniform.
Still, when one does turn up, that Baker Pasha should
have had to cover his retreat, seems hard on that distin-
guished ex-Colonel of English Hussars.

MARY ANNER ON A MONSTER.

_" When Maiiy Ann the maid can boast of as many Christmas Cards as her
mistress or the young ladies, it {the fashion of sending them) will soon go out
of favour."—Letter from " M. P." in the Times.

Dear Susan Jane,

I hope as 'ow you got my Card all right,
As yours came safe among a lot quite late on New Year's night.
Which Baggs, our Postman, sez, sez he, "Why, Mary Hann, my
dear,

Yourn is the biggest batch of all! Ain't you in luck this year ? "

Missis were right down jealous, Sue, and as for poor Miss Jenny,
As hardly got a paltry six, and none above a penny,
The way she sniffed and slammed the door was most pertikler nuts,
As praps '11 teach her not to call smart girls " persooming sluts ! "

Bat, Sue, a-readin' of the Times, as is my reglar rule,
I see, wot ain't so common there, a letter from a fool;
Leastways he calls hisself " M. P.," as no doubt means the same,
Which wot attracted me, Sue, was his usin' of my name.

Of all the supersillyass snobs !—well, there, I won't give way—
But, Sue, he's down on Christmas Cards— he 'ad none, /dessay—
Along of their delaying wot his Wusship's pleased to style
Legitimit Correspondence." Well, that jest giv me the rile.

I^&itimit? Drat his imperence! The Post was meant for all;
And who are Nobs and Bizness Men that they must 'ave the call ?

Which Walentines and Cards and sich, to ladies in our spheer,
Is boons as no one but a brute 'ud take and go and jeer.

But here's the aggrawation, Sue : Sez he, "When Mary Ann
Can boast as many Christmas Cards as Missis "—which she can—
" They '11 soon be woted wulgar, and go down like rinks and ' bees.' "
Gr-r-r! Couldu't I jest comb your wool, my cockiest of M.P.'s ?

Takin' my name in wain like that to pint his narsty poke !
I'd like to warm him with my mop until the handle broke.
In course my letters, Sue, to you has made me publick game,
Which its the hojus penalty as one must pay for fame!

M.P.'s is not the only litter'ry parties now-a-day.
I 'ope this 'ere may "meet his heye," as the adwertisers say,
My prevyus letters, seen in Punch, 'ave riled up many a Missis,
And Mary Anner's pen is more 'n a match for sich as his is.

No Cards, no Rinks, nor no high jinks, no beaus, no Sundays out!
No nothink that to Nobs is nuts!—yes, that's their game, no doubt.
Acos we " wulgarises " all—leastways, that seems to be
The nasty, false, insultin' views of this stuckup M.P. I

He wants a tax on Christmas Cards! Well, Susan Jane, we know

What trying fancy taxes did for artful Bobby Lowe.

Which that this " M. P." may likewaysbe bowled out in the same

manner,
Is the f ervenk haspiration of

Yours truly,

Mary Anner.

vol. lxxtv.

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