Punch (74.1878)

February 23, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83

A VOCATION.

Aunt. 11 Shall i give you a new Doll, Maggie?"

Maggie. " No, thanks, Aunty ! i should never love another Doll like thls ; for

see, it has only got one eye, one lsg, and one arm, and nobody would care for it

if I didn't. Proper Dolls can takk care of themselves, you know !"

HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.

(Why not try it ?)

Quot homines tot sentential being still
the order of the day as regards the site of
Erasmus "Wilson's Needle, Mr. Punch
takes the problem in hand, and solves it
thus:—

The Needle will be fixed on a movable
base, to which will be harnessed a team of
traction-engines. By these means it will
be carried, till further notice, through all
the sites in London, say—on Monday, to
Wormwood Scrubbs; Tuesday, Ely Place,
Holborn ; Wednesday, Scotland Yard. ;
Thursday, the Isle of Dogs ; Friday,
Pump Court, Temple; Saturday, the Gar-
den in Ampthill Square; and so on—the
programme of sites being changed weekly,
paying1 due regard to the interests of
suburban squares and City thoroughfares.

Arrangements will also be made for oc-
casionally laying the Monolith on its side
in the Lowther Arcade, or in some other
convenient and eligible place, where the
public will be permitted to walk all "over
it in felt slippers, Oxford shoes, "Wel-
lingtons, or hob-nailed boots, as the case
may be, under the guidance of a distin-
guished Orientalist, who will attend for the
purpose.

The trilling expense involved in carrying
out the above Dlan will be borne by a Com-
mittee of the Gentlemen who have hitherto
supplied the published correspondence on
the subject, who will also hold themselves
responsible for such incidental damage to
houses on the lines of route, cellarage, the

! gas, water, and other pipes, and destruc-
tion of the roadway, as may arise in the

j execution of the project.

Such is Mr. Punch's solution, which,
after carefully reading all that has been
written on the question, he puts forward
confidently as the only one likely to recon-
cile conflicting tastes, and put an end to
the interminable " Battle of the Sites."

Ominous.—" On Tuesday the Royal Buck
Hounds met at Beaconsfield, and on Friday
at "Warfield."—" Hunting Appointments,"
in the "Field," Feb. 0.

A BAD JOB FOR BUTCHERS.

"What d'ye buy, what d'ye buy, what d'ye buy, buy, buy ?"
cried Mr. Brisket, as arrayed in azure tunic, he paced to and
fro in front of his establishment, and whetted his slicing-knife on
the steel attached to his girdle.

" Not anything: to-day," replied Paterfamilias, as he paused in
passing by. "Not anything to-day, Mr. Brisket. No, Sir, nor
yet to-morrow. American beef is excellent, every bit as good as
British, but I decline buying it under that denomination of yours,
when I can purchase it at a figure so much more reasonable under
its own name over the way."

" What d' ye mean ? " exclaimed the Batcher, with a look of
anger and astonishment.

"Oh! "cried the Family Man, "don't you read your Paper?
Listen ; " and he quoted as follows from the leading journal:—

"'Sir, —As the Report of the Cattle Plague Committee proves that the
"West End butchers are large buyers of the American beef, which they retail
at their ordinary prices, it may be interesting to the general public to know
that the dairy produce dealers are beginning to undersell them."

" They be blowed! " Mr. Brisket bellowed.
"It is too early in the year for that, Sir. The bluebottles have
not yet emerged from their pupa state of hybernal torpor."
" Yah! " growled Carnifex.

" Hear the remainder," said Paterfamilias ; and pursued :—

'"I have been obtaining daily for many months from my regular cheese-
monger and poultryman the ordinary joints of American beef and mutton in
quality fully equal to English meat." "

"Cagmag!"

"Nay, fin<; brisket, Sir. Because, you see, our friend assures us
that-

"'In fact, it is only remarkable in any way from being 2>d. a pound
cheaper, the price of the sirloin being lQ^d.' "

"Gammon!"

"Nay, Mr. B., not gammon, but beef—beef, Mr. B.—American
beef—as good as the best that your customers imagine to be the
produce of their native land, and pay for under that delusion. Beef,
that does not pretend to be what it isn't; honest beef, sold at an
honest price, by honest dealers."

" Do you mean to say as I'm a rogue, then ? " demanded Brisket,
as he stuck his blade in his belt, and clenched his fists.

"Oh, dear no," mildly responded the Husband and Father, with
the proverbial suavity of reply which averteth anger. " The ex-
pression were unparliamentary, and, what is worse, actionable.
I would merely say that you are a little exorbitant; and, preferring
to do business with a party directly opposite, I shall now proceed
to procure my tenpenny-halfpenny sirloin from the fair-dealing
Poulterer and Cheesemonger across the street. Good morning, Mr.
Brisket! " So saying, he turned upon his toe ; and the Butcher,
after an imprecation which it is needless to repeat, resumed his
parrot-formula of " What do ye buy, buy, buy ? "

The Last of the Old Bar.

" And nought is everything, and everything is nought."— R'jeeted Addresses.

Owden, Lord Mayor, was of Lord Mayors the last
That under Temple Bar's doomed archway past.
Ah, Fleet Street Gate ! thy fate in Greek we sum :
Like all man's works ts ouSev thou hast come !