Punch (74.1878)

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 16, 1878.

FAIR-PLAY.

" The truly British love of fair-play !! I"—(Vide -peroTntoxa, passim.)

cene I.—A Park. Rival
v, ~] Mobs (of Britons) assem-

bled to rearrange the or-
" —r- derofthe Universe. How,

alarums, excursions,
flying missiles, general
scrimmage.

Smaller Mob (gaspingly).
Oh, I say, lookee 'ere, this
ain't fair, don't yer know !
We wos here fust! We 'ave
assembled in our thousands
to-

Larger Mob (fortissimo).
Yah I Gar'n! ! There ain't
rive 'underd of yer altoge-
ther! Turn it up! Go home!
Yah ! Up with our side !
Down with everybody
else!!!

[Shoiver of stones,
sticks, turfs, and
other mob - argu-
ments.
Smaller Mob (faintly).
Well, if we are in a mino-
rity, ain't we aright to-

(Hullaballoo.) Honly 'ear

us ! We appeal to that British love "f fair-play which never->

Larger Mob. Ya-a-h ! H-o-o-h !! [Charges Smaller Mob en masse.
Fair-Play (entering). But, my worthy friends, is this exactly fair ?

A* you love.uie, pray, pray--

Larger Mob. Yah I Bonnit 'iin with a bludgeon! Shet his mouth
with a 'andful o' mud !!

[Fair-Play is bonneted and bespattered. Exit in astonishment.

Scene II.—A Public Meeting. Advocate of unpopular opinions
endeavouring to explain himself.

Speaker. Pardon me. What I mean is-

[Chorus of Citizens, Cads, Patriots, Pickpockets, Medical
Students, Music-Hail Lioughs, and other vociferous cham-
pions of their common cause. Yah ! Booh ! Shut up !
Traitor! Shame! Turn'imhout! &c, &c, &c.
Speaker. But, my good friends (roars), I appeal (howls) to that
love of fair-play (hootings and hisses) which abides in the bosom of
every Briton. (Shrieks, yells, cat-calls, cock-crowings, and other
inarticulate arguments.)

Fair-Play (appearing). But, really, Gentlemen, the man is right
—this is not fair-play ; give him a hearing for my sake, for the

sake of that British-

Chorus of Citizens, fyc. Yah ! S-s-s-s! Gar-n-n ! Hustle him !
Smash his hat! Collar his watch!

[Fair-Play is hustled and robbed. Exit in despair.

Scene III.—First-Class Railivay Carriage. Mild Enthusiast and
several Swells discussing Political prospects.
Mild Enthusiast. As I was about to say, Gentlemen, though
loving my country as much as any man (groans), I would yet give

fair-play to others. From the Russian point of view-

Swells (in chorus). What have Englishmen to do with that?
Most un-English sentiments yours. Sir.

Mild Enthusiast. Well, as Mr. Gladstone-

Swells (fiercely). Gr-r-r ! Bah! Beast! traitor! Oaght to have
been handed long ago I

Mild Enthusiast. But-■

First Swell. Fellow's very name makes me sick !
Second Swell. Fellow who'd say a word for him unworthy the
name of Englishman and Patriot! Must be some confounded low
Cad, or Russian Agent!
Mild Enthusiast. Why, bad as Russia may be, let her have that

fair-play which it is the boast of Britons-

_ Third Swell. Bah! Hate to hear an Englishman play the apolo-
gist for the enemies of his native land.

Fair-Play (cutting in). Bat, Gentlemen, it is in doing justice to
your opponents that a genuine love of fair-play is tested, and if the

complacent brag of Britons is more than-

Omnes. Bah! Unpatriotic fudge ! Traitrous trash! Cosmo-
politan cant! Snub him! Cut him ! Glare him into silence.

[Fair-Play is severely snubbed, and subsides.

Scene IV.—Editor's Room of Party Newspaper. Editor, Sub-
Editor, and Leader-Writer in Council.
Editor. Let tkem have it hot, Smashes, !

Smasher. No fear! But that telegram from Pera ? Just a leetle
—eh?

Editor. Oh, never mind. Tells'well on our side, you know. Can
but contradict it afterwards if it's wrong.

Sub. By the way, that neat little epigram of which we have made
such capital lately. So-and-so writes to say he never used the
words, or used them with a qualification which quite alters-

Editor. A qualification be hanged ! Can't be bothered with such
small deer. Fire away !

Sub. Well, G-writes to say all that about his egging on

the Hottentots to have a cut-in at the Sultan is a ridiculous lie;
wants an apology.

Editor. Apology be--, well, well, stick in something evasive

—say we won't press the charge at present, but if-, you know

the style of thing, Smashes.

Fair-Play (entering unannounced). But surely, Gentlemen, this is
not that spirit, of fair-play about which British Journalists are
always-

Editor. Sir, I have not the honour of your acquaintance, and do
not desire it. Here, Smuts, show this Gentleman out.

[Fair-Play is shoion out in a state of collapse !

Scene V.—The British Coast. Enter Fair-Play solus.
Fair-Play. I fly these inhospitable shores for ever. Britons love
me, indeed ! Why I can't show my face anywhere' without being
snubbed as a fogy, hissed as a fanatic, pelted as a non-patriot, bon-
neted as a bore. I am now denounced as un-English! It is the
last straw. I will betake me to foreign parts—say, to the rowdy-
ruled West, or the savage-haunted wilds of Central Africa—where
I may have the chance denied me in the land of my adoption.
Farewell to parks and platforms! and hey for the freedom of the
prairies and the pampas, the jungle and the savannah I

[Departs for distant lands.

MODEST SUGGESTIONS.

(Offered for what they are worth.)

In order that the proceedings of the coming Congress may be
marked by an extreme cordiality, lead to no untoward results, and
be crowned by a brilliant and permanent success, it is suggested—

(1) That its deliberations be conducted in dumb-show;

(2) That no one be admitted without an olive branch, a calumet
of peace, half-a-pound of mild returns, and a copy of Campbell's
Pleasures of Hope ;

(3) That fire-arms, maps of Europe, and Memoranda for prepared
speeehes be left at the doors;

(1) That before opening the proceedings, Constantinople be handed
politely all round, pro forma, and declined with thanks;

(5) That each of the contracting parties shall claim for the Power
he represents as much of Turkey in Asia as he can draw accurately
wit.h his eyes shut;

(G) That Poland shall be reconstituted and its governorship offered,
without a salary, to Mr. Cow.en ;

(7) That to restore the European balance of power, Monaco shall
have Bessarabia;

(8) That if any difference of opinion arise over this, it shall be
instantly settled by the best out of three tosse3 with a sou of the
Principality; and

(9) That if the matter of the Turkish Fleet by any chance come
up again, an arrangement be made with the South-Eastern Ptailway
Company to hire, and run it half-hourly, at reduced fares, between
Boulogne and Folkestone, till the closing of the Paris Exhibition.

Oxford Revisited.

" Dr. Newman, having last Christmas been elected Honorary Fellow of
Trinity College, where he was originally a scholar, has lately been the guest
of the President of his College. During his stay he dined in hall, in his
academical dress. He visited Oriel, the College he has done so much to make
famous, and had a long interview with Dr. Pusey at Christchurch."—Oxford
Intelligence.

Once more in Oriel! Face to face
With scenes to ancient memories due :

Is't a new man in the old place,
Or is't the old man in a new ?

Beautiful for Ever!

Ms. Punch, Honoe'd Sir,

I am a Super what has performed Shakespeer, and 'eld en-
gagements with forrin companis, French and Italian, which I mean
Mr. Mitchell's, long ago, and Signor Salvini's since, and as such
give my umble opinion, that it would have been more the correct
card if Mrs. Leveeson, when she was takin a forin artis's name,
instead of Rachel, had called herself Restobey.

I am, Honor'd Sir, yours respeckfully? N. Amlet.