Punch (74.1878)

180

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 20, 1878.

EASTER EGGS.

{Au Sucre.)

Prinee Gorts-
chakoff from
Lord Salis-
bury, a revised
copy of the
Treaty of San
Stefano (Euro-
pean size), bound
in Russia, and
a copy of Rule
Britannia.

To Lord Salis-
bury from Prince

gortschakoff,

an Olive Branch
in gun-metal.

To Lord Derby
from Lord Bea-
consfield (Leav-
ing-books), Duc-
tor Dubitantium,
Dound in half-
oalf, and a copy
of Ixion.

To Count An-
drassy from the
Court party at
Vienna, a Jar of best Russian Caviare, and a copy of directions
How to Procure Sleep at Will.

To the Sultan from the Emperor of Russia, a Platinum Case,
(St. Petersburg workmanship), with the Freedom of the City.
To the Emperor of Russia from the Sultan, an Oriental Brickbat.
To Europe from Prince Bismarck, six winks, half-a-dozen nods,
and an offer to pay everybody's expenses to the Paris Exhibition.

NEW SEATS FOR, OLD ONES.

{A Brown Study of the Blue Boat Race.)

Mb. Punch sat close to his study fire defying the attacks of the
easterly wind. Round about his well-cushioned arm-chair lay the
reports of the debates in Parliament. As a natural consequence, he
was fast asleep.

"I hope I do not intrude." The speaker was a bright-looking
Gentleman upon whose face was stamped an expression of sustained
admiration dashed with astonishment. He continued with a slight
accent, " I have been to see everything, your Monuments, your Par-
liament, your Law Courts, your Army, your Navy, your Volunteers,
and I am overwhelmed with delight. And now, Mr. Punch, I have
come to sound the deeper Mind of England, and I am overjoyed to
find it so nobly represented in your person and your publication."

"You must be the Intelligent Foreigner," said Punch. The
stranger bowed. " Well, Sir, what can I do for you ? "

" I have seen the splendid civilisation of your great people. I
have wondered at the mysterious grandeur of the British Constitu-
tion. I have seen the effect, now let me see the cause. Show
me now where your statesmen, your lawyers, your patriots, your
savants are trained. Show me your Oxford, your Cambridge—your
National and Historical Universities."

And even as Punch was considering how the voyage of inspection
could best be managed, the walls of the study seemed to disappear,
and the Sage of Sages and the Enthusiastic Stranger found themselves
standing in the centre of Tom's Ouad, where the statue used to stand.

" Splendid I " cried the Intelligent Foreigner, as he gazed with
rapture upon the grand old buildings whose stones have seen
unmoved the change of centuries.

" With a history as splendid," added Punch. And then the glory
of the University was unfolded before them. First came all the
pious founders headed by William of Wykeham, and the burly
Cardinal who had learned too late how like the taste of Dead
Sea fruit is the favour of Princes. Then followed minor worthies
by the score and by the hundred—the men who in the past had
given splendour to England's history. These were the children
of Alma Mater who had made her famous. But there were others
—poor students who had learned to do their duty to science and
letters and theology in as faithful albeit a humbler fashion. And
as great and small passed the walls of their old home, they bowed
with profound respect.

" Ah, your Oxford was indeed a seat of learning ! " exclaimed the
Intelligent Foreigner.

" And on the banks of the Cam you will find a repetition of the
story of the Isis," said Punch, with pride.

"But we are talking of the past," continued the Inquisitive
Stranger. " Let me see how and what they learn in the present."

Suddenly there was a shout, and the places of those ancient and
earnest students were taken by a motley crowd of young men
dressed in all sorts of sporting costumes. The racket-court and the
cricket-ground, the racing-track and the football-field, the arena of
athletic sports and the river, were filled with energetic and active
crowds, training, exercising, competing, contending.

" I see—brain has given place to muscle," murmured the Intelli-
gent Foreigner. " But where are we now ? Surely this is a new
seat of learning ? "

And so it was—a sliding seat. For weeks and months these seats
had occupied the thoughts of thousands. Was not Number Two
rather lumpy, and how about Bow's feathering ? In the increasing
weight of Three, was there not cause for serious anxiety ? And so
the rumour of the river, and the canvass of the crews had waxed
and waned, had sunk and swelled, until the highest ambitions,
anxieties, and aspirations of the two Universities seemed to have
been drawn off into the columns of the sporting papers!

And now, after months of training, (during which ideas con-
nected with study had been strictly subordinated to ideas about
diet) the seats were to be used in earnest. The great event of the
University year was about to "come off."

The sight-seers waited for the sight. Roughs from the slums
of" Westminster and Whitechapel by the hundreds of thousands.
Welshers who had deserted, for the nonce, the suburban race-meet-
ing for the race on the Thames. The disgraces of the drama. The
useless mouths of the Army. Painted luxury and brazen profligacy
elbowing squalid vice and sporting rascaldom.

At last came the boats, flashing along under the full strength of
thirty-two youthful arms, trained to steel and whipcord, through a
double lane of suppressed roars, shrill shrieks, and hoarse cries,
like the echo of Epsom on tbe Derby day. Straining every
muscle, the champions of the two National Universities, amidst a
chorus of enthusiastic applause and clamorous excitement, raced on
to the goal of glory.

"Magnificent!" exclaimed the Intelligent Foreigner. "They
have told me that the object of the British Constitution is to put
twelve men in a box. Now I see that the work of the British
University system is to put sixteen lads into a couple of boats !—
Grand, glorious, and—mysterious! "

Punch woke with a start—and some day, perhaps, the British
Public will wake too!

SALISBURY TO RUSSIA.

{A Love Song d la Laureate.)

Your cue's reserve, whilst unreserve is ours,
How shall we then discuss as equal powers ?
Reserve in one means want of trust in all.

It is the flaw within this Congress-plan,
Which, by-and-by, would set us man 'gainst man,
And ever widening soon upset us all.

This discord in our Concert, winked at now,
Would surely issue in a general row.
Hush it, or we '11 no Congress have at all.

'Tis hardly worth the having : let it go.
But shall it F Answer, Bismarck, yes, or no.
But no reserve ! or we '11 not meet at all!

An Unreasonable Complaint.

A Correspondent of the Times complains that Sir Stafford
Northcote wants to make people "pay for useless puppies." But
who that has anything to do with useless puppies, is not forced
to pay for them ? It is inherent in the nature of useless puppies
that they must be paid for.

neatly adapted.

Reading, in rivalry of Rome, has had S.P.O.R. inscribed on the
panels of its Senate House—the Town Hall. A town-councillor
being asked the meaning of the inscription explained it, S(mall)
P(rofits), Q(uick) R(eturns).

the retort courteous.

Shrewd Dizzr plays, midst Jingo-jubilations,
English Reserves 'gainst Russian reservations.

What England is Safe to get by Going to War.—Rue-mania!