Punch (74.1878)

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Mat 25, 1878.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

233

RED BRICKS AND RUBRICKS.

w

ht was Keble College
built ? "
" Ask the gingerbread
and gilt! "
Answers Buegon. ** Oh,

that slid on
Quite by accident," says

Llddon ;
"For though modest, hum-
ble, feeble,
All our work has been for

Keble!"
"Humph! best plough in

broader furrows.
That's my view of it," cries

Bebeows.
"Yes," adds Bernard,

"reason why
We've not built it in the
High"

' it ; 11 " Stay. I '11 make it clear,"
f says Pesey,
p" College life's but cre-
|~ mant Bouzy.
Z Therefore Keble offers all
j- Beer tbat's Christian beer,
though small.
Yes, the sons who pass her

All go in for Christian greats.
Though like Christians some be plucked,
All in Christian beds are tucked ;
Fed in hall on Christian dinners,
Not like us, poor Christ Church sinners,
Who, confessing thus our guilt,
Thank our stars that Keble's built! "

ADVERTISING A LA MODE.
{By Mr. Punch's Own Man.)

# 12 Noon.

Having received a magnificently illuminated card of invitation to
assist at the inauguration of the Grand Hotel and Aquatic Casino of
the good town of Shrimpville-on-Sea, I duly presented myself at the
terminus of the London, Dublin, and Edinburgh Railway Company
at the hour fixed for the departure of the special train chartered by
the Directors of the Company. I could not help congratulating my-
self upou the fixture of the date of the ceremony.—Had I been asked
to take part in the interesting celebration yesterday, I should have
been forced to decline, as my services were then required to chronicle
the initial passage of the new boat built to run between Herne Bay
and Dinard by the Short-Sea-Passage-between-London-and-Paris-
Company. To-morrow, too, would have been out of the question,
as I have to attend the Press Lunch offered by the charming,
talented, and popular Manager of the Royal East End Gaff. To-day,
however, I am quite free, and can therefore recount the proceedings
which are to give Shrimpville-on-Sea a new Hotel and an Aquatic
Casino. As 1 write, representatives of the Fourth Estate are taking
their places in the magnificent saloon-carriages which have been put
at their disposal by the Directors of the undertaking. It is a beauti-
ful day, and everybody is in excellent spirits.

3 p.m.

I open my letter to say that we have arrived safely at Shrimpville-
on-Sea. The little watering-place is simply charming. Nothing can be
more picturesque than the numerous bathing-machines, and the town
pump is really a magnificent work of art. And now let me describe
the Hotel and Aquatic Casino.t * * * You will see from the tariff
(which I give above) that the charges, all things taken into considera-
tion, areveryreasonable. We are nowgoing'to partakeofthe excellent
dejeuner which has been so liberally provided for us by the worthy
Directors of this really excellent undertaking. I have juat seen the
menu, and find that the dishes are of thft most recherche description.
The wines, too, are 'of the best brands. I can just see the necks of
the champagne bottles peeping out of the ice-pails.

7 p.m.

Just open letter to say it's all right. Directors capital fellows-
all of 'em, and so say all of us I Chorus, " And so say all of us ! "
British Constitution. Yery tired. Yery tired. Going to sleep.
All right 1

f The Editor regrets that want of space prevents the publication of the
description.

PEARLS EOE PAEIS.

[Expected to be added shortly to the Exposition.)

Elegant Extract from an After-supper Speech, by H.R.H. the
Peince of Wales, confessing his Platonic attachment to the New
Republic.

Autograph Letter from the Czae of all the Ressias, pledging his
imperial word to do his utmost possible to preserve the public
peace, despite the provocation of the Jingoes, and the Dizzy-
bodies.

A Treatise on the Gout, viewed as an hereditary political disease,
with a Preface, .written jointly by Prince Bismarck, and Prince

gortschakoee.

Romance, by Yictoe Hego, founded on the patent facts:—(1.)
That Paris is the axle of the common weal; and (2.) That every
man of genius is by birth a Frenchman.

Proclamation by Lord Beaconsfield, as the Prime Autocrat of
England, announcing that the knout will, on conviction, be applied
to all political offenders, i. e, persons who oppose his spirited foreign
policy.

Addition to the Aviary, in the form of a Round Robin, signed
by nine-and-ninety Reporters for the newspapers, representing and
regretting the marked inferiority of the present Exhibition in the
matter of convenience of access to refreshments.

A Barometer umbrella-stand, warranted to change its colour on
approaching change of weather.

Confession by Herr Wagner that, in his belief, the Music of the
Future will be composed in China.

Precis of a measure just prepared for Congress, for securing
Transatlantic copyright to European authors.

Pattern of a salt-spoon to be forthwith introduced at foreign
tables-d''hote for the use of British tourists.

A new patent noiseless latch-key, invented expressly for the
oomfort and convenience of fashionable young Ladies.

Extract from an Avis aux Voyageurs suspended in a chamber at
the Sublime Hotel, announcing that the charge for bougies will be
lessened to One Sou during the continuance of the Exposition.

A Paris newspaper containing, by desire of its subscribers, a good
supply of English and other foreign news, in lieu of the bad novel
that used to fill its feuilleton.

THE LORD. MAYOR'S ORACLES.

We have already had occasion to call attention to some of the
Lord Mayor's oracular utterances from the Bench. There was one
in the case of a young wife, who in despair at being deserted by a
soldier-husband, had attempted suicide, to the effect that if her hus-
band had deserted her, " it served her right for marrying so young."

The subject of his Lordship's latest oracle is Education. A young
rogue was brought before him, charged with robbing his employer.

"The prisoner's father stated that his son had been educated as a pupil-
teacher. The Lord Mayor : His education does not seem to have done him
much good. In fact, he appears to have been over-educated. People who are
educated commit these offences much more easily now than formerly."

In another case—

" James Croome was charged on remand with stealing tea from Nicholson's
Wharf.—The prisoner was found upon one of the floors with the tea in his
pockets.—Mr. Pound, with whom the prisoner was apprenticed, stated that
he and his family were all well educated.—The Lord Mayor : Talk about
education making us so much better; I don't believe it does.—Mr. Pound :
If convicted, the prisoner's indentures will be cancelled, and he will be
ruined.—The Lord Mayor : And serve him right. He will make room for
a more honest lad."

Probably this is only the Lord Mayor's illogical and inarticulate
way of expressing his conviction that sending lads to school will
not necessarily turn them from a dishonest bent, and that evil or
foolish acts must entail evil consequences. If bo, it is a pity that
his oracles so ill convey his meaning, because they are likely to
introduce serious confusion of ideas in heads as foggy as his own,
and may give occasion to uneducated and unfeeling asses to gird at
education and to justify hard-heartedness.

If we wanted a case to, show how grievous an evil the want of
education may be, where could we find one so striking as that of
the Lord Mayor ?

Here is a man in a prominent position which gives him the
opportunity of venting unwisdom from the judgment-seat, and for
want of the school-training which would have enabled him to
weigh the force of words, and master the rudiments of logic, he
talks such mischievous nonsense as Punch has been forced, much
against his will, more than once, to protest against.

Beati Possidentes.—Query, when possession costs £-200,000 a
day ?