Punch (77.1879)

July 26, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25

JUST IN TIME.

Constant Traveller. "Hullo, Johnson! you herb? Have you left the
' Great Mudlet Goods Yard ' ? "

Retired Shunter. "Yes, Sir. There were Ten of us when I joined
Eight Years ago ; so, as the others were all Smashed, I thought it
was about Time for me to leave !"

THE CLOUDS AND THE CLERGY.

"When the rain over-long hath been raining1,

Or the skies have withheld the dne drops,
And the farmers all round are complaining,

With some cause, in alarm for their crops,
Then the Bishops take counsel together,

And advice to their clergy decree,
Bidding prayers to be read for fair weather,

Or for wet—whiche'er needful may be.

Less sage, it may be, than satirical

Himself the philosopher shows,
Who remarks that they pray for a miracle ;

It may happen for aught that he knows.
But if reverend divines see good reason,

Prayer's aid to the farmers to lend,
Why not pray early on in the season,

And not wait till it draws to an end ?

On their faith if they place full reliance,

Why allow drought or deluge a run ?
Why, with forecasts now furnished by Science,

Remain mute until mischief is done ?
The future's climatic conditions,

Daily cabled, we get from far climes ;
Might not, therefore, church weather-petitions

Be preferred to more purpose betimes ?

A Stand-up for St. Swithin.

Monsignor Punch,

An incredulous person, hailing from Llandaff,
writes to the Times an impudent letter, audaciously im-
pugning the venerable and uniformly verified legend of
S. Swithin, on the fallacious ground that the day of
the translation of his sacrosanct relics, in July, 971, took
place on "the 15th, Old Style; that is, the 27th now."
Is not this sceptical sophist aware that the Calendar in
which the Festival of S. Swithin stands appointed for the
15th of July, was reformed by a Pope, and therefore S.
Swithin's Day, Old Style, and S. Swithin's Day, New
Style, are both the same, and altogether identical for all
ecclesiastical purposes, miracles inclusive. Ask Car-
dinal Newman whether it is not so, if you doubt the
authority of _ Hagiologus.

At Wimbledon.—Work for a Carver.—To cut out
our crack shots. Why don't you, Doctor ?

COMING TO THE POINT.

{The Reflective Obstructive to Himself.)

If I go to the Academy at the most crowded hour of the day, pick
out the picture at which there is the greatest rush, then open my
umbrella before it, and obstinately refuse to move one way or the
other for two hours, why am I, after some altercation, removed by
the Police ?

Why, also, if I spring suddenly on to the seat of my stall at the
Opera, and insist, in the middle of the Third Act of the Huguenots,
on showing the audience, in a shrill falsetto, what I would have
done with the finale had I been Meyerbeer, am I hissed down and
got out, not without a scuffle, by five box-keepers ?

Why, too, if at my Club, I persist in taking all the daily and
weekly papers from the reading-room and sitting on the whole
of them during my lunch, does my conduct ultimately oblige the
Committee to come to the unanimous resolution that I must be got
rid of ?

Again, why may I not get, with the Dean, into the pulpit at West-
minster Abbey, upset a traction-engine in Rotten Row, keep the
diving-bell at the Polytechnic (full inside) six hours under water,
drop a portmanteau into the works of the New Law Courts' clock,
lay sleepers here and there across secluded portions of the suburban
lines, and indulge in other obstructive feats of a similarly brilliant
character, without, sooner or later, arousing the susceptibilities of
the police ?

In short, if when, outside the House, I am not allowed to hinder
the progress of a single perambulator, why, when inside it, have I
every facility given me for bringing to a dead-lock the affairs of
an Empire ?

And, lastly, why is" it that, under such circumstances, nobody
commits me to the charge of the Sergeant-at-Arms ?

ENGLISH, PLAIN AND PARLIAMENTARY.

The principal business of the Speaker and the Chairman of Com-
mittees in the House of Commons nowadays appears to consist in
calling "Hon. Gentlemen" to order for using unparliamentary lan-
guage. The chief offenders are the Irish Members, who seem to find
extreme difficulty in mastering the English tongue in its official
form. To assist these rough-and-ready debaters, Mr. Punch has
prepared the following table, which may be advantageously resorted
to in moments of excitement. The first phrase has already received
sanction from the Chair.

Equivalent in Parliamentary
Plain English. Language.

To sneak out of one's place. To leave the House covertly.

To tell a downright lie. To confuse fancies with facts, no

doubt inadvertently.

To brag like a bully. To revel in the language of un-

limited strength.

To whine like a coward. To falter under a deficient sense

of self-respect.

To cringe like a cur. To pay an exaggerated deference

unworthy the dignity of an
Honourable Member. _

To listen like a spy. To obtain information in a man-

ner which has not hitherto
approved itself to the scrupu-
lous self-respect of this House.

To behave like a fool. To forget the dictates of wisdom

and sound policy.

To act like a rogue. To overstep the limits which sepa-

rate the domains of Civil and
Criminal Jurisprudence.

vol. lxxvii.

V