Punch (77.1879)

October 25, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181

A DiLEMMA.

"What are you puzzling over, Ponsonby?"

"I'm trying to answer a Note from the 'dear Duchess,' as you call
her. She's done me the honour to write and ask if that Sr. Bernard
Pup i gave her should be fed on Meat or Biscuits?"

"Well, Biscuits, shouldn't it?"

" Of course. But she spells Biscuits with a k, you see, and i don't
like to spell it properly for fear of hurting her grace's feelings ;
and yet i don't want it to get about that i spell biscuits with a k."

" Say Meat, then ! "

" But she spells Meat with two E's ! ! "

CROSS QUESTIONS AND CROOKED ANSWERS.

{Picked up at Clitheroe.)

Q. Why ought the Country to he grateful to the
Government ?

A. Because they have given it Cvprus, the ^Sepoys,
and the Secret Memorandum for Six Millions.

Q. Why is this an excellent bargain ?

A. Because it has shown the world and the British
taxpayer that Europe must be governed by treaties.

Q. What was the " master stipulation" of the Treaty
of Berlin ?

A. The right to garrison the Balkans.

Q. Has this "master stipulation" been carried into
effect ?

A. Not precisely.

Q. Does this matter ?

A. Not in the least.

Q. Why not?

A. Because the Home Secretary says that the
" points " of a treaty are of no consequence.

Q. What is the distinction between a treaty and its
points ?

A. The Home Secretary does not say.1
Q. Does the Home Secretary, then, say anything to
the point ?

A. Yes. He says he meant originally to have held his
tongue.

Q. Is that intention intelligible ?

A. Ouite.

Q. And wise ?

A. Eminently.

Q. Why has it not been adhered to ?
A. Cross propose, Diz dispose.

"PANIERS ARE FASHIONABLE."

Le Follet.

" A panier you'll want," said Miss Taper,
" I assure you they 're now all the go.

I've the pattern cut out here in paper,

They are puffed at the side, Ma'am, just so."

" That panniers have been all the go
At the seaside from June to November,

I'm sure all the donkeys must know;
Weighty cause they have had to remember.

" But if we must wear paniers like asses—
All alike, East and West, North and South—■

'Twould be well if the poor working classes
Could, at least, have a bit in their mouth."

only fair play.

Mr. Parnell boasts that he has gone far to make Par-
liament impossible. Suppose Parliament were next Ses-
sion to go farther and make Mr. Parnell impossible ?

PREACHING AND PRACTICE.

{An Irish Historical Drama, adapted from the Irish-English of

Mr. Parnell.)

Scene—A new vault underneath the new Irish Houses of Parliament.
Piled up in the centre, a portmanteau, a couple of barrels, and a
carpet-bag. Leader of the Opposition discovered in a cloak and
hat, with a dark lantern and bundle of matches.

Leader of the Opposition. Not here! Bad cess to him! I must
rise them spalpeens upstairs widout him.

[Prepares to light a match.
Enter Distinguished Constitutionalist.

Distinguished Constitutionalist. I fear I am a little late. I had to
get a military escort before I could leave the Treasury bench. But
here I am. What does all this mean ? [Pointing to the pile.

Leader of the Opposition. Is it "mane," Misther Parnell ?
Sure, it's a bit of a lesson out av your own book I'm going to tache
them divils upstairs.

Distinguished Constitutionalist. My own book ? Are we not in a
vault underneath both Chambers of the Native Irish Legislature
assembled in full conclave ? Yet, these barrels,—this portmanteau,—
that carpet-bag--- ?

Leader of the Opposition {chuckling). Sorra one of 'em but's
chock full of dynamite ! [Prepares to strike a match.

Distinguished Constitutionalist. Hold ! There is a le?al remedy
for everything. This appeal to explosives is not constitutional—
nay, it is not Irish! At least, wait till I have got to a safe
distance!

Leader of the Opposition. An' is it yersilf that would be after ating
yer own words ? Shure, haven't I got all your spaches at the tip of
me tongue ?

Distinguished Constitutionalist. Then you must know that I always
recommended-

Leader of the Opposition. A " firrm attitude," when the Saxon
wouldn't give way. And why not the Celt all the same as the
Saxon ? As that white-livered Ministhry up-stairs won't let us in,
bedad it's myself, as Leader o' th' Opposition, that will show thim
the way out. And now, Masther dear, hould your ears, and Hoorooh
for ould Ireland!

[Bloivs both Houses, himself, and Distinguished Constitution-
alist, into the air as Scene closes.

the root of irish troubles.

However it may be with the crop of 'taters, the crop of agi-tators
never seems to fail.

vol. lxxvit.