Punch (77.1879)

November 29, 1879.]

241

PUNCH TO HIS PRINCESS.

Alexandrine Ode for Dec. 1st, 1879.

Eight hundred years have passed away

Since Dane and Saxon joined in fray,

And Hengst's White Horse to stem the sway

Of the Black Raven strove.
'Tis sixteen years since, in fair hour,
Our Princess left her northern^'jower,
To conquer England by the power

None may dispute, of Love!
Punch, now as then, her willing slave,
Welcomes the day's return, that gave
His Princess birth by Denmark's wave,

And prays, in verse too mean
For its sweet subject, God to save

His Princess, All Hearts' Oueen!

What! Sixteen years! It seems but now
That Fleet Street saw him to her bow—
Ah me !—he well remembers how

His heart gave one great thump,
When o'er that sweet face flashed a"smile
Sweeter than graced the mile on mile
Of welcome and good will, the while

Those bright eyes scanned his hump!
Yes, sixteen years! With you 'twereJbase
To hint at years, but that I trace
Each year new sweetness in your face,

As if your kind years run
Each with the gift of some new grace,

Outdoing what they've done.

'Tis not that Punch—as leal as wise—
Loves less his Queen by closer ties,
Though she but rarely glads his eyes,

From Deeside and from Wight.
" The absent still are in the wrong !|"
So runs a French saw current long;
But Punch's loyalty is strong,

Be who will wrong or right.
So, Sagest Sage to Fairest Fair,
He cries, " Long live his Princess rare,
May she be happy—such his prayer—

And bright years, as you move,
Bring her no care but how to bear

The burden of our love!

THEN AND NOW.

old style.

Scene.—Study of a Statesman of the Eighteenth Century. States-
man of the Period discovered finishing his fourth bottle of Port.
Enter his Private Secretary, much disturbed.

Secretary. My Lord ! in what words shall I couch my tidings ?

Statesman of the Period. Tidings! What tidings? Nay, I
must know. {Hie !) What the plague are you fumbling at ? Speak
out, Sir,—and be d-d to you!

Secretary. My Lord, the Leader of the Opposition has dared to
hint a doubt-- \_He pauses.

Statesman of the Period. Confound it, you puppy! (Hie /) Why
do you—(hie !)—hesitate ?

Secretary. Because I dread the consequences of my communica-
tion, my Lord. The fact is, the noble Leader of the Opposition has
dared to express a doubt of your Lordship's veracity!

Statesman of the Period. What, Sirrah—{hie!)—a doubt of my—
(hie /)—veracity! Odd's pistols and triggers! (Staggers to his feet,
and without a moment's hesitation.) Give me my sword and cloak!
Tell him I shall be—(hie.')—glad to have the honour to meet him on
the usual ground—behind the ring in Hyde Park!

[Exit to fight a duel.

new style.

Scene.—Study of Statesman of the Nineteenth Century. Statesman
of the Period discovered deep in his third cup of Tea. Enter his
Private Secretary.

Secretary. My Lord. I regret to say the Duke has done it again!
He is always at it.

Statesman of the Period. If the matter is of consequence, I shall
be glad to hear the particulars.

Secretary. He has once more accused your Lordship of uttering a
deliberate falsehood.

Statesman of the Period. Has he, indeed ! So like him ? (After
tioo hours' careful deliberation.) I really think I ought to write to
the Times. [Exit leisurely for the purpose.

BRIEF HINTS.

Punch has seen the announcement of a handy volume, "by a
Barrister in Actual Practice," entitled, Hints on Advocacy, Useful
for Practice in any of the Courts, ivith Suggestions as to Opening a
Case, Examination-in- Chief , Cross -Examination, Pe-Examination,
Reply, Conduct of a Defence in a Criminal Trial, &c, &c. &c.
He offers his own compendium of such a manual, which, if not
suited to superior temples of Themis, will, at least, be good for the
County or Police Court.

1. Find out the depth of your client's pocket, and draw your fees
accordingly—in advance.

2. Let your Junior Clerk take instructions. (This saves trouble.)

3. Apply for an adjournment, as soon as the case is called. (By
this means you will obtain a second fee.)

4. Let the Judge or Magistrate do all the work (they like it) ; and
whenever His Honour (or "Worship," as the case may be) says
anything funny, be convulsed with silent laughter.

5. Say as little as you can yourself, and do not try to be the least
clever or witty.

6. Should your client gain his cause, rise and denounce his
opponent, and ask for costs.

7. Should he lose it, shrug your shoulders, and tell him he would
have been worse off but for you.

8. In any event, send in a bill for further costs, after the case is
concluded.

N.B.—By following these instructions you are sure to gain the
respect and esteem of your clients and all who may come in contact
with you.

Reflection by Sir Wilfrid.

Shakspeabe says :—

" Our pleasant vices
Are made the whip to scourge us."

This must be especially the case when our pleasant vices take the
form of (what an Irishman would call) " lashins of liquor."

motions in abbe st (of judgment ?)

Clap hands upon three bellows-blowers

Of Irish organs,—good !
But stop the wind that feeds their roars—

Ah, if we only could!

vol. lxxyii.

X