Punch (77.1879)

November 8, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

" VOLUMES ! "

Amateur Composer. " 'Heaed my Neav Song ?"

Candid Friend (with a perceptible shudder). "Oh Lor ! I Hope so ! ! "

foes eor phylloxera.

Awake, 0 Bacchus ! Lo, proclaimed
Foe to the growth that girds thy shrine,

The Phylloxera, fitly named
Vastatrix, ravage of the Yine !

Arise, thou King of Grapes, and smite

That vermin viler than a flea ;
Stamp out that shameful parasite,

The spoiler of thy sacred Tree !

Sad Vineyardmen to Science cry
Against the spreading pest in vain;

As yet no chemicals they try
Suffice that insect-foe to bane.

But what, good people, if there were

Another and a better way ?
If you made little birds your care—

Birds that on animalcules prey ?

The Garden Warblers, Great and Small,
The Larger Whitethroat, and the Less,

Willow-Wren, Wood-Wren, Blackcap, all
Those Birds that grateful Gardeners bless.

Their quarry Phylloxera's race,

The Aphis chiefly they pursue,
And ferret out of every place

Where he can lurk, or creep into.

'Mongst stems and shoots whose juice he pills,
They hunt him up amid the leaves ;

And pick him with their little bills
Out of the chinks wherein he cleaves.

Trust Punch, ye do yourselves sore wrong-
When those best friends yon blindly slay,

Devouring e'en small birds of song
'Neath the large name of gibier.

Your Yines they will secure from hurt
Of insect plagues, to bloom again ;

Their timely beaks may doom avert
From Claret, Burgundy, Champagne!

Calf-Love.—To Mothers! Yaccinate from the Calf
direct, if you have any regard for your Infants' weal!

war-correspondent's catechism.

(Afghanistan Version.)

" Q. What is a Special Correspondent ?

A. A submissive scribbler attached (at his own risk and expense)
to the head-quarters of an Army in the field, for the purpose 'of
singing the praises and glory of the General Commanding-in-Chief,
or his divisional or brigade Commanders as the case may be.

Q. What must you bear in mind when you accept this situation ?

A. That my presence is merely tolerated, and that on the slightest
show of independence, much more insubordination, I am liable to be
tried by Court-Martial, certainly sent to the right-about, and, for
all I know, shot.

Q. What do you understand by the term " insubordination " ?

A. This is a question I must respectfully leave to be answered for
me by the G. C.-in-C.

Q. Is it understood that you are prepared to obey his orders ?

A. Unquestioningly, absolutely, and abjectly.

Q. Do you owe any duty to the Public ?

A. None that is not over-ridden by my duty to the G. C.-in-C.

Q. What do you consider your relation to the proprietors of the
journal you represent ?

A. That I am their servant, but always subject to the G. C.-in-C,
to whom they, as well as myself, should feel deeply grateful for his
kind consideration in permitting me to follow the Army to the field.

Q. What do you understand by a "defeat" ?

A. It is a word which I should only think of applying to the
enemy. If the enemy loses one man killed and two wounded, this is
a signal defeat.

Q. What do you understand by a victory ?

A. That it is a word to be strictly confined in its application to
the exploits of the G. C.-in-C. If the Army in the field takes a
small undefended fort, and captures a couple of camp-followers, this
may be a very great victory. If the G. C.-in-C. says it is, I am
bound so to report it.

Q. Supposing the G. C.-in-C. to retire hurriedly, leaving his

camp, stores, and ammunition behind him. How would you describe
the manoeuvre ?

A. I should describe it (subject, of course, to the approval of the
G. C.-in-C.) as a strategic movement of masterly skill and profound
combination.

Q. Supposing that the G. C.-in-C. managed to lose all his men in
an ambuscade. How would you describe the circumstance ?

A. I should describe it (subject to the approval of the G. C.-in-C.)
as one of the thousand-and-one little ups and downs of a campaign.
At the same time I would dwell on the gallantry of the troops, and
the firmness and foresight of their illustrious commander.

Q. Supposing that the G. C.-in-C. were not present at the incident.
In what light would you represent his absence ?

A. I would venture to express (subject to the approval of the
G. C.-in-C.) my humble and respectful admiration at the profound
military insight shown by him in staying away.

Q. You have no objection to take a wigging, blowing-up, bully-
ragging, tongue-basting, or any other helping of humble pie, at the
hands of any combatant officer, from a sub-lieutenant upwards ?

A. On the contrary, I should feel honoured by any such evidence
of their recognition of my presence with the Army.

Q. How do you understand the relations of the sword and the
pen ?

A. That the one may be used to cut the other ; but that they can
have no other or nearer relationship than is implied in their being
both made of steel, as china and stone-ware are both made of clay.

Q. You understand the conditions under which you are to write ?

A. Certainly. Before taking up my pen I am to have my eyes
bandaged, like other licensed intruders on the camp from the side of
the enemy.

Q. Supposing this precaution ever dispensed with, on the ground
of your recognised subordination, general harmlessness, positiv:
insignificance, and comparative good behaviour, what article would
you be prepared to substitute for your bandage ?

A. A pair of rose-coloured spectacles !

You may go down."

And he went down.

vol. Lxxvrr.

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