Punch (77.1879)

OCTC

October 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169

GIRLS AMONG GALLIPOTS.

D1

r. j. Bradnell Gill, of
Hastings, has sug>
gested, in print, that,
for medical men having
private surgeries, and for
chemists and druggists also,
who find a difficulty in ob-
taining dispensers to be de-
pended upon for honesty,
sobriety, and competence, it
would be advisable to em-
ploy female assistants, and
that fairly-educated "women
could safely, comfortably,
profitably, and easily, un-
dertake that employment.
Clearly an excellent sugges-
tion. The girl who, through
inadvertence, would be likely
to put up tincture of opium
for black dose, or oxalic acid
for Epsom salts, substitute
corrosive sublimate for calo-
mel, or weigh out an overdose
of arsenic or tartrate of antimony, would be a very exceptional young
person. Hardly any decently taught damsel would be capable of
making such a blunder, were she ever so distractedly in love. For
the art of dispensing medicines, peculiar qualifications have been
conferred byNature on the nimble-fingered, nice, and careful sex.
Exactness with respect to measure, and in matters of weight going
the length of scruples, would be insured by female scrupulosity.
Dexterity in packeting powders and draughts would come natural
to a neat-handed Phyllis. What could a general practitioner, then,
in want of a dispenser, do better than advertise for one of the gentler
gender; and would not many a young lady, with her living to earn,
act a great deal more wisely in jumping at that offer than in ac-
cepting other offers that might be named, or, worse still by a long
chalk, " going out as a governess " on average terms ?

Besides, for a capable and intelligent maiden engaged in the sur-
gery, business might possibly ripen into something better, in case her
employer were a bachelor ; namely a partnership, indissoluble except
by death or a decree nisi, in which the doctor would be enabled to
dispense with any other dispenser than his own wife.

FROM THE PHILISTINE POINT OE VIEW.

[Being the Opinions of a Smart Young Man on Pessimism.)

" Est-il vrai que 1'existence soit un malheur, et que le neant vaille mieux
que l'etre ? Ces propositions sonnent etrangement aux oreilles des hommes
de notre temps etourdis par le bruit de leur propre activite, justement tiers
des progres de la science, et dont le temperament mediocrement elegiaque
s'accommode a merveille d'un sejour prolonge sur cette terre."

" Le Pessimisms an Dix-nenvieme Siecle," par E. Cabo.

Dear Dick,

I've been reading—or trying to read—
A rum sort of volume, a book of a breed
That, like prigs and Phylloxera, seem to increase
At a rate that much threatens our fun and our peace.
I suppose, as the sapient Darwin would say,
'Tis the Latest Development! Things will look gay
In our worried old world, that's so flouted by fogies,
If the rule of the roast's left to beetles and bogies.
Are the pests and the Pessimists plotting together,
"With Lawson, Berne Jones, and the Clerk of the "Weather,
To make a clean sweep of all comfort and cheer,
And rob a poor world of its bliss with its beer ?
Is Life worth the Living f Now doesn't that look
A beautiful title to give to a book ?

"What rot! "Why, you might as well ask, to my thinking,

If Woman's worth loving or wine is worth drinking ;

To which any donkey could answer off-hand

That of course it depends on the girl and the brand.

It's astonishing, Dick, what egregious bosh

These big-wigs will write ! But it really won't wash

When a wordspinner, ranking himself among Sages,

Goes maundering on for some hundreds of pages,

To ask such a bogus old riddle as this is,

And finds at the finis the answer he misses.

Life ! What sort of life ? That's the crux, after all.

The life that a man about town would so call P

Or some moony and spoony existence apart,

All very low spirits and very high Art ?

If the man means the latter, I '11 answer instanter.
The drowse of the dreary sesthetical Canter,
Absorbed in bad dreams and poetical flummery,
Is no more like life than sour milk is like Pommery,
And no more worth living than I'm worth a " plum."
Life shaped on such lines is a lachrymose hum.
But give me ten thousand a year, my dear boy,
And I '11 show them that life is a thing to enjoy,
And not to write poems and essays about,
Beginning in doldrums and ending in doubt.
Here's the tip that to mooners like Mallock I'd give :—
Life's only worth living to those who can live!
Neat and not nubilistic, I think you will say,
Which is just what we want in our fog-flustered day.
Clear sense and no clouds ! That's my maxim all round,
And what duffer denies that the principle 's sound ?
Metaphysical muddlement's not worth a rush,
Nor finical flam, nor emotional gush.
I hold that of all things, from Science to sherry,
From Btjrne Jones's Art to the acting of Terry,
A man of the world is the very best judge,
And what he can't fathom is mostly pure fudge.
Life's a plant, say the seers ; well, don't poke at its roots,
But let the thing grow, and look out for its fruits.
I find them most tasty, in spite of dull stuff,
And my only complaint's that I can't get enough.
If a fellow will feed on green apples and sloes,
He becomes a dyspeptic, and gets a red nose;
And when a man comes to this dull ultimatum,
That life when summed up 's vanitas vanitatum,
And fancies his verdict has settled the question,
He thinks it philosophy, / indigestion.
Ichabod ? Bosh ! A smart man scorns such trash ;
It's merely a matter of health and hard cash.
Nine-tenths of the megrims in prose and in verse
Mean gastric disorder or leanness of purse.
With money and Moet, and love and good cookery,
Who dares say this world is a played-out old rookery ?
Only Trappists, and twopenny Timons, and fellows
Who, in search of the wind, must cut open the bellows.
It's all this confounded new fad for analysis,
This poking and prying that ends in paralysis.
Glissez, n'appuj/ez pas trop ! That's the style.
There are chaps who '11 dissect you a tear or a smile,
Till they fancy they've proved life is just protoplasm,
And love a mere vortex, and laughter a spasm.
Supposing they are, let's give thanks that, at present,
The whirl is delightful, the spasm is pleasant.
And as for the future, can pessimist prophet
Declare if it leads to Nirvana or Tophet ?
No ; he ends with a tag vague as f'ol-de-rol-lido,
And knows just as much of the issue as I do.
Real life's " real jam," and what I beg to state is
I'm not yet inclined to cry, " Ohe ! jam satis."
Worth living, or not, I shall play out my part,
And a fig for the funkers ! Yours truly,

Jack Smart.

A Serious Business.

In a leading article on the occupations and employments of Women
the other day, the Times observed that:—" A man and woman, when
they marry, constitute a firm,"—which, we may add, too often turns
out a partnership of unlimited liability.

an enlarged definition.

Patriotism (according to Johnson)—Love of one's own country:
(According to Jingo)—Love of other peoples' countries.

A Recent Ecclesiastical Ornament.—[Neat and appropriate.)
—" Cross on the Church."

For the Bookstalls.—The First Lord of the Admiralty's late
official tour—" On sail or return."

The Real Obstacle to Amelioration of British Dramatic
Art.—Starry Influences.

A Mysterious Title.—Mr.

vol. lxxvii.