Punch (77.1879)

84 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 23, 1879.

Leastways I suppose it wos that as perdooeed sech a rummy effect,
That at last things got rayther mixed up, and the finish I carn't
recollect.

But I know that it came on to rain, and next morning I woke looking

pale,

"With a lump on my lip, and my face all streaked green with the

dye from my veil.
There wos six cigar-ends in my pocket—don't fancy I smoked quite

so many—

Two corks, and a big white hone button, a threepenny-bit, and a
penny.

I started that day with two quid; so it piled pooty stiffish, dear boy.
Still I 'old with the Four-in-hand Clubbers that Coaching's the
sport to enjoy.

It's fun and good, form all in one like, and when sech top-ropes yer

can carry,

Who cares if it does come expensive ? Not

Yours everlastingly,

Abet.

A HUNDRED AND TWICE-TOLD TALES.

{A Story for the Silly Season.)

T

'he "Waiting-room was
crowded. All the pas-
sengers had missed
their trains and were ready
for conversation. For a
few minutes there was a
very Babel of sounds, and
then a Gentleman, dressed
in a cheap suit of dittos
and a wide-awake, by sheer
force of lungs claimed the
attention of the company.

"You really must attend
to me," he shouted, and
then finding that he had
the ears of the meeting, he
continued in a lower voice.
"It is absolutely necessary
that you, nay, all the world,
should hear the story of
my adventures. A fort-
night ago I went to a hotel
in Belgium, where I stayed
one night—only one night.
I had some eggs (a couple,
and not too fresh), with
my tea, the same meal for
my breakfast, and I occu-
pied a small bedroom on
_ the third lloor. And, what
do you think! They actually 'had the] impudence to send me in a
bill with a total of five francs fifty centimes ! "

There was a murmur of horror, and then a gushing young bride,
with a little blush, lifted up her voice.

"I cannot help feeling that it will interest you and many more to
learn where Edwin and I went for our honeymoon. We are not
very rich, so we were not able to go very far. We started from
London via Folkestone and Boulogne to Paris, where we saw the
principal sights. We then went to Geneva and took a boat to Ouchy.
We came back and got to Lucerne, and went up the Righi in a rail-
way. And then we saw Interlacken, and returned to Paris, getting
to London once more via Boulogne and Folkstone. It was the first
time we had been on the Continent, and we enjoyed ourselves
thoroughly."

This little narrative was exceedingly well received by the
assembled company, and then a portly clergyman continued the
conversation.

" I think it only just that you and others should learn the result
of my investigations for the last twenty years of the manners and
customs of the common house-fly. I have noticed that the common
house-fly loves to hover about a window, doubtless attracted to the
glass by the light. At night-time the common house-fly will fix
upon curtains and ceilings, remaining for hours in the same place
until the morning. I could tell you a great deal more about the
common house-fly were I not fearful of wearying you. Under these
circumstances I will reserve what I may have to say or write upon
the subject to a future opportunity."

The clergyman had scarcely finished his little lecture when an
elderly gentleman, in blue spectacles, hurriedly addressed the
meeting.

"I really think that you and the public generally should know
that I have frequently heard the nightingales singing in a lane
immediately in rear of my garden wall."

This announcement was very well received, and then a lady of
masculine appearance continued the conference.

"I wish to make the following plain statement of facts. On
Tuesday last I had occasion to take an omnibus from a London
suburb to the Bank. In a journey of not more, at the outside, than
five miles, we stopped to take up or put down passengers no less than
nineteen times! I may add that the seat of the conveyance was
hard, and the straw with which the floor was strewn was at least
two days old. These facts speak for themselves, and require on my
part no further commentary."

The lady of masculine appearance had scarcely relapsed into
silence when three portly gentlemen sprang to their feet at one and
the same time.

"I took a train yesterday," said the first, "and it arrived five
minutes after its time ! Disgraceful! "

"I took another," exclaimed the second, " which reached the
terminus a quarter of an hour late ! Scandalous ! "

" And I another," shouted the third, " which never arrived at all!
We were forced to change carriages at the Junction ! Infamous ! "

"What you have all said is exceedingly interesting," observed
the gentleman in the cheap suit of dittos and the wide-awake, who
had been the first speaker, '' and I strongly advise you to follow my
example, and to send long letters about the matters you have men-
tioned for publication to the leading newspapers."

And they all did !

CONVICTION BY CHANCE.

Scene — A Withdrawing Room adjoining a Court of Justice.
Jurymen retired to consider their Verdict.

Foreman, Well, Gentlemen, 'twon't be no good for we to go on
talkin'. 'Tis clear we can't possible conwince one another that way,
so as for to agree on our werdict. Six for guilty, and 'arf-a-dozen
for not guilty, 'adn't we best toss up ?

Second Juryman {doubtfully). Would that be doing exactly right ?

Foreman. Wy not ? We 're twelve, ain't we ? Very well.
Wosn't there another twelve once, and wen one of 'em 'ung 'is self,
didn't the 'leven surwivors drawr lots 'oo should fill up the wacancy ?
Wot's the difference 'tween drawrin lots and tossin' up ? and 'ow can
we do wrong if we goes by the 'Porsles ?

Second Juryman. They couldn't do better than draw lots in their
circumstances ?

Foreman. No more can't we, in ourn.

Second Juryman. Well, I don't know; but I seem to fancy we
could. Being equally divided amongst ourselves, isn't that equiva-
lent to having a reasonable doubt ? and oughtn't we to give the
prisoner the benefit of it ?

Third Juryman. Oh, bother, that's refining too much. Let's
toss up. Toss up, and trust to Providence.

Foreman. Are all on you agreed to that, Gentlemen ?

The Rest. Agreed!

Foreman. What shall it be, then ? Best two out of three, or
sudden death ?

Second Juryman. Wouldn't sudden death, in a question of death
or life, be a little too summary ?

Third Juryman. What's the odds ? We can't stay here argyfyin'
all day ; and I wants my dinner.

The Rest. Toss up—toss up ; let's toss.

Foreman. Now, then. {Produces a copper coin.) Best two out of
three. Guilty, 'eds; Not Guilty, tails. {Sides copper.) 'Eds!
Third Juryman. Heads it is.
Foreman. 'Ere goes again. Tails !
Third Juryman. 'Tis woman.

Fourth Juryman. Of course, you muff! Wot else but woman
could yer 'ave with a Queen's 'ed on a 'apeny ?
Third Juryman. Go it, once more.

Foreman. Now for the finisher. {Tosses the third time.) 'Eds!
Guilty! Is that your werdict ?
The Rest. Unanimous.
Fourth Juryman. Non compos.

Third Juryman. But seeing after all 'twas a toss-up, suppose we
recommend the prisoner to mercy, Gentlemen ?

Foreman. That's it. That'll 'it it orf exactly. Guilty, but
recommended to mercy.

[Exeunt into Court to deliver their Verdict, whilst Curtain falls.

a doubtful compliment.

" Sib Gabnet Wolselet, Sorr," said a gallant Irish Officer, "was
the man to send to the Cape. Bedad, that Gabnet is a Cape
Diamond."

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