Punch (77.1879)

November 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201

There's the Pomfret game-chicken,

Australian-bred,
Not for show but keen prickin'

His spurs hear a head ;
"While the Elgin-Burgh Bantam,

That red-hackle bright,
As in crow he '11 out-rant 'em,

Will out-face in fight.

But whate'er these cocks' colour,

Or backers or breed,
Crow they sharper or duller,

With more brass or reed,

Don't let John Bull on wrong quest
Plain common sense shirk,

Mistake Crowing for Conquest,
Big Word for big Work.

At their own value never

Take cock more than man ;
Dullest chief may show clever

Amidst his own clan.
On his own dunghill hoisted,

What bird cannot crow ?
"With others' wind foisted,

Weak lungs far will go.

Less for fighting than feeding,

John- Bull keeps his pens,
So should count worth and breeding

Of cocks as of hens :
Reckon up the egg-batch that

Goes down to their score,
And of chickens the hatch that

They bring his barn-door!

Not much of a Change. — {After some
late Irish Meetings).—The Member for
Louth—Mr. Zuluvan.

LEMON-AID TO LONG LIFE.

Dr. Richardson, founder 'of Hygeiapolis, and discoverer of
Salut-land, is a great makrobiotik sage, but Dr. Wilhelm
Schmoele, Professor of Pathology and Graduate of Bonn Univer-
sity, it must be confessed, is a greater. Lor if Dr. Richardson has
discovered how to prolong life to six-score, Dr. Schmoele has found
out the way to lengthen it indefinitely, and by a much shorter cut.
To reach Dr. Richardson's six-score, men must submit themselves
to the discipline of Hygeiapolis, and become un-naturalised citizens
of Salut-land, where butcher's meat is prohibited, and politics for-
bidden. Think of John Bull without his beef, and his belligerent
Press and Parties ! But to reach the indefinite stretch of life promised
us by Dr. Schmoele, we have only to eat lemons enough.

According to the report in the Daily Telegraph, here is the quan-
tum of .citric acid that will pickle the constitution against the decay
of age, and make our bodies so sour that Time 's teeth will take no
hold of them :—

" To ladies over forty and under fifty, commencing the citronian system,
Dr. Schmoele prescribes two lemons per diem, whilst gentlemen between those
ages must' assimilate ' at least three lemons daily. Between fifty and sixty, the
dose for ladies is set down at three, for gentlemen at four lemons a day. One
lemon more per diem is ordained to each sex for every additional decade, so
that centenarians must consume, if women, their eight lemons daily—if men,
no fewer than nine.''

< Some men may say, '' Come death, rather than nine lemons per
diem ! " They may prefer the grave, with all its possibilities, doubts,
and darkness, to squeezing such an infusion of sours, if not bitters,
in their cup of too long life. They would, in fact, rather welcome
the undertaker's ghastly mockery of woe and the toll of the funeral
bell than a life thus acidified to the tune of " Oranges and

HIGH SHRIEVALTY REFORM.

Right Worshipful Mr. Punch,

Gentlemen who let fly at grievances in public prints should
fire with arms of precision—shouldn't they ? Is it certain that this
rule has been quite respected by a Correspondent of the Times, who
complains of the exactions which he says await those who are
condemned to serve the office of High Sheriff ?

" The gentleman who immediately preceded me in my office," (writes
" K. S. P.") "was fined £500 by the Chief Baron, for lodging his Lordship at
the first hotel in the town—his own residence being more than thirty miles
distant, and no suitable private residence could be had on any terms in the
assize town."

Atrocious, if true. But when, if ever, was this enormity com-
mitted? What English Judge capable of anything so outrageous
has existed since Judge Jeffreys—and was Jeffreys ever Chief
Baron ?

No doubt a High Sheriff is laden with heavy charges. Very likely
High Sheriffs are of no use. Still, Mr. Punch, I hope we may trust a
Conservative Government not to be prevailed upon by the clamour
of a poverty-stricken aristocracy to abolish the ancient and venerable
office of High Sheriff. Why should the office be limited to owners
of the soil ? Let it at once be thrown open to large manufacturers,
big brewers, and other wholesale business men, and even to ordinary
shopkeepers sufficiently wealthy—grocers and tea-dealers, linen-
drapers, and tailors. Sir, I myself am the proprietor of extensive
artificial manure works, and I pay, I suppose, about ten times as
much Income-tax as my neighbour, Sir Geoffrey Gascoigne, with
his encumbered estate, most of it bare acres. He can derive no
additional consequence from being High Sheriff, and he can't afford
it, whereas I can, and the appointment would give me prestige,
besides answering the purpose of a capital advertisement for the
concern conducted by Yours truly,

Triple Phosphate.

COLD COMFORT.

Austria held by Bismarck's heavy hand

In an " offensive and defensive ' band,' "

Not free to wink, or think, to stir or stay,

But as he points his " blood and iron " way ;

The German Zoll-verein strict, stern, emphatic,

Stretching from Baltic sea to Adriatic ;

And John Bull left to twirl an idle thumb,

When his wares are shut out where German come.

One will, one word, one influence alarming ;

Small neighbours quaking, and big neighbours arming ;

On Europe's prostrate neck a heavier heel;

From armed might to right one less appeal;

Eor England less hope, less peace, less employ—

Such Salisbury's " glad tidings of great joy " !

"Wonderful, "Wonderful, and again Wonderful!"

'' Farming for Pleasure and Profit." Yes, there is a man who has
published such a book, and, stranger still, declares that it records
actual experiences. He says he has farmed with pleasure and with
profit! His name is Roland. Rolando Furioso—RoLXNV stark
staring mad—surely. Yet the man writes like a rational man, and
records what read like genuine experiences ! Chapman and Hall
are the publishers, and we recommend the book to the curious.

inverting their parts.

' To judge by their uninterrupted record of easy.victories over
American teams, it is Daft's Eleven that are doing the Yankee, and
the Yankee Eleven that are Daft.*

* Daft—Silly, weak of brain.-—North Country Glossary.