Punch (77.1879)

216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 8, 1879

FROM THE GENERAL TO THE PARTICULAR.

The Hew Governess. " Now I suppose you know that there are three

TIMES as much WATER as LAND upon the surface of the EaRTH? "

Tommy. "I should think so, indeed! Look at the Puddles!"

NEW TOPICAL SONG.

(By a Friendly Zulu.)

I 'ye been photographed like this—
(Shows an awfully naked truth)

Save a cow-tail apron bare—
And feel how I must have shocked

A virtuous Lord Mayor!

So, henceforth, if I'm photographed,
I '11 be photographed like that—
(Shows a modestly-veiled impropriety)

In square-cut Quaker dittoes,

And a broad-brimmed Quaker hat!

When thus chastely, warmly covered

From indecency and cold,
If Mr. Phtxpotts sells me,

I hope he won't be sold,

And charged with an indecent

Exposure in the streets,
And sentenced to do penance

In damp Collodion sheets.

Henceforth, in kraal and cottage,

May Alderman and Zulu,
From Cetewayo unto Nottage,

Bejmen and brothers too !

Till, in positives and negatives,
To the same task they set 'em,

Of honouring the memory
Of great Ex-Lord Mayor Whetham !

An Excellent Example.

" Major-General Newdigate has declined an invitation to
a banquet which it was proposed to .give to him at West Hal-
lam, where General Newdigate has gone on a visit to his
brother, Lieutenant-Colonel Newdigate. The General states
in his letter that he is very grateful for the proposed honour,
but as a soldier he had simply done his duty—or rather, endea-
voured to do it to the best of his ability—and this consciousness
is in itself the soldier's reward."

Had General Newdigate received this invitation and
sent this excellent answer a fortnight earlier, Punch
would have been proud to dedicate to him his Cartoon,
"Don't Overdo It!" Failing that, he can only award
the General the Newdigate Prize among his South-
African brother officers.

A EEALLY HAED CASE.

My very dear Mr. Punch,

Forgive me for writing to you, but I always act on impulse.
I am in such trouble, and really don't know what to do. During the
last three months I have been photographed by one of those dreadful
publishing photographers in ten different attitudes and costumes. And
now my son who is at the Bar (I was married very young) tells me
that there is nothing to prevent my carte being displayed in any shop
window ! It would be simply terrible ! It is quite true that I took
great trouble with my attitudes, and some of my dresses were very
becoming indeed ! But think, if I really appeared side by side with
those poor dear persecuted " beauties ! " Oh, I cannot bear to think
of it for a moment '.

_ And now what am I'to do ? The worstof it is, I did not buy the nega-
tive, and I don't think I told the operator not to publish me. In fact
I have an impression that I may have written to ask him whether
my portrait would be of any use to him. You see I thought it might
have brought him in some money, and I am charitable to a fault!
But oh dear, what shall I do ? Of course I can't tell him now not to
publish me, as it might' hurt his feelings. And as to talking about
buying negatives and all that, a lady really can't do it—now can she ?
I am dreadfully worried ! My son offered to see the photographer
for me, but I could yiot permit it. You see he is so rough in his
manner, and besides he looks so very old for so young a mother ! Oh
dear Mr. Punch, what shall I do! You will see I enclose a carte,
but never mind ! Pray donH give it to one of your clever artists to
use ! I should be quite angry if you did, for so many of my friends
would be sure to get the paper with me in it! It would double your
circulation—it would indeed! Now good bye,

Your sorroivful little friend,

Laura Brassblushington.

P.S.—I would have written you a longer letter, but I have pro-
mised to give my dreadful photographer another sitting in ten more
dresses! I must go at once ! I daren't hurt his feelings, poor
dear fellow! But isn't it awful!

A PECULIARLY PAINFUL PROSPECT.

Punch grieves to hear from Rheims, the head-quarters of the
Champagne district, that the gathering of the grapes has begun in
nearly all the well-known crus, with what may indeed be called a
cru-el result—total failure alike of quantity and quality. _ At Ay
the grower's cry is " Ay-de-mi ! " At Bouzy there is not likely to
be pressed so much as to make boozy a butterfly ; while at Yerzenay
the constantly-heard question, "Yere's any?" only elicits the
answer, " No-veres."

Now, Punch likes his Pommery tres sec. But to have the fountain,
not only of Pommery, but all Pommery's little brother and sister
crus, a sec, is a dryer prospect than he bargains for. And to think
so little " dry " should come of so much wet! To see the hopes of
the year's sparkling vintage go off in " fizz "—not a drop of drink-
able wine left behind—will be one of the dreariest legacies of this
dreary year!

And not only has it played "old gooseberry" with the Cham-
pagne vintage, 'but it is likely, we fear, to play " new gooseberry"
with it also. Unless, indeed—happy thought!—it be that thegoose-
berry crop of 1879 has been as complete a failure as the vintage.
But, on a second, less happy thought, what then r We shall only
have to fall back on some worse substitute—say out of the goose-
berry-bush into the beet-root bed, or perhaps on to the tater-patch !
from fruits—such as they used to be in better times,—to roots—such
as we hear they are this sorry year—too bad, even for Hamburg
Sherry!

"get done by stealth, and blush to eind it fame!"
" Camera obscura" as applied to the photographer's chamber is
evidently a misnomer. Considering what comes of being photo ed, it
ought to be christened " Camera famosa ! "

The Whole Duty of Irishmen and Tenants.—To pay their shot.

*3f To CoBBBsrojrDENTs.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a

stamped and directed envelope. Copies thou/4 be kept.