Punch (77.1879)

228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 15, 1879.

PUBLIC JUDGMENT ON PUBLIC MEN.

ights and Wrongs
— Six of One,
and Half-a-
dozen of the
Other.

On Thursday
last the Right
Hon. It. Penny-
wise addressed a
meeting of his
constituents on
the subject of the
present political
situation.

Mr. Pennywise
said that no th ink-
ing man could re-
gard affairs at this
hour without a
feeling of the
greatest appre-
hension. The
only chance for
the country was an
immediate chan ge
of Ministry. The
present Cabinet
was composed en-
tirely of monsters.
Tbe Premier was
a very caricature
of wickedness in
its most hateful
form. (Cheers.)
He went out of
his way to do silly
and malicious
things. He sacri-
ficed fame, ambi-
tion, patriotism,

respectability to his intense love for naughtiness of the most childish and mis-
chievous character. As for his colleagues they were imbeciles— (laughter)—
he might say a pack of stupid donkeys—(renewed laughter)—idiots, in fact. So
was the Premier. He was the biggest idiot of the lot. (Roars of laughter.)
They had been told a great deal about our Foreign Policy. What did we want
with a foreign policy ? (Cheers.) Would a foreign policy give us an additional
twopence a day for beer? ("No! No!") Would a foreign policy renovate
the town pump, when that great local monument required to be repaired ?
(" No ! No /") Would a foreign policy do good to any one living in Mudborough,
or Slocum-super-Mare ? (Cheers.) He (Mr. Pennywise) would far sooner
have a plate of meat and potatoes than the finest foreign policy in the world !
(Loud applause.) It was nonsense to talk of the responsibilities of England.
Who cared for any one living outside a radius of five miles p (Cheers.) Or,
to put it more plainly, who cared twopence for the comforts of his next-door
neighbour? (Enthusiastic applause.) " Every man for himself!" was his motto ;
and he thought it a very good one. (Cheers.) Why should they spend money
upon India ? Why should they attempt to prevent slaughter and massacre in
foreign parts ? (Cheers.) So long as the widows and orphans did not come upon
their parish for relief, what did it matter to them ? (Loud cheers.) In conclu-
sion, he must declare, that although he regarded the House of Commons with
great respect, he held another body of men in far greater esteem. The body
of men to whom he referred took a far juster view of the responsibilities of
rulers than his colleagues in Parliament. They acted invariably in the proper
spirit, and their patriotism adopted sensible limits. He only wished that
they could change places with the Legislators of Westminster. If such an
alteration could be made, Mudborough would be wealthier, and England would
become a different country! ("Name! Name!") Of course the body of
illustrious persons to ■whom he alluded were that noble, that sensible, that
economical, that self-respecting band—the Members of the Local Vestry.

The Eight Honourable Gentleman then resumed his seat amidst thunders
of the most enthusiastic applause.

On the same evening Colonel the Honourable Algernon Poundeoolish
addressed a meeting of his constituents.

The Honourable and Gallant Member said, that no thinking man could regard
affairs at this hour without a feeling of the greatest apprehension. The only
chance for the country was the maintenance in power of the present Ministry.
The Premier was the noblest Englishman that had ever illuminated the page
of history. (Cheers.) There was something marvellous in his abnegation of self,
his far-sighted and penetrating patriotism. As for his colleagues they were a
band of statesmen in the purest sense. On the other hand the leaders of the
Opposition were dolts. (Laughter.) He might say duffers—probably he might
say "jackasses," were it not un-Parliamentary, but it was the right word in the
right place for all that. (A laugh.) He wished he could exclude Mr. Gladstone

and Lord Hartington from the title, but he couldn't.
(Renewed laughter.) They had heard a great deal about
a home-policy. (Cheers.) What did they want with a
home-policy ? Home was safe to look after itself. Was
Britannia such an old woman that she dared not show
her face abroad. Were we tied to our wives' apron-strings ?
("No, no!") One fair knock-down blow delivered
straight from the shoulder was worth all the milk-and-
water in the world. (Loud applause.) It was monstrous
to talk of the British Lion as if he were a well-bred
animal exhibited in a cage at the Zoological Gardens.
When the British Lion's beard was pulled, he kicked.
(Cheers.) But he would not allow himself to be kicked, by
anyone. (Enthusiastic applause.) Everybody was insult-
ing us, and we would not be insulted. ('" No, no ! ")
They insulted us because they thought we were afraid
—we were not afraid. (Long-continued cheering.) We
knew how to fight, and would fight as soon as look at
them. (Cheers!)

The Honourable and Gallant Member then resumed his
seat amidst thunders of the most enthusiastic applause.

DESECRATION OF A GOOD OLD DAY.

Mr. Punch, Sir,

" In great attempts 'tis glorious e'en to fail," as
I failed in trying to blow up the heretical " House of
Lords, the King and all his Ministers." In default of
any due observance of my anniversary in a serious spirit
by the proper parties, I have been well content to be
borne about, as I used to be, on a sella gestatoria in a
mock procession, and finally burnt in effigy. I was thus,
at any rate, commemorated as an historical hero—call
me what anybody might. But for some years past I have
been gradually sinking into neglect and oblivion. For a
long while, through the invention of " lucifers," I have
been shorn of my tinder-box and matches. On many
occasions I have been chaired under the form of some
unpopular Minister, or other personage, obnoxious to the
British Public, and only now and then so dignified as a
Pope or a Cardinal. Now, at last, I have altogether fallen
upon evil days. My yearly festival has come to be per-
verted to unmeaning purposes of simple jollification. On
the Fifth of November lately past, for instance, as you
read at breakfast the other morning :—

" At Dorchester a fund of £500—towards which Lord
Arlington and Mr. Brymer, M.P., were liberal subscribers
—had to be raised, and there was a magnificent procession of
two hundred Guys, each gorgeously arrayed, and carrying aloft
a lighted torch. The King of the Fiji Islands, the Duke of
Ditchwater, Sinbad the Sailor, Marwood, the Ameer of Cabul,
the Convict Orton, and Cetewaj o, were among the characters
represented."

What have any of the abovenamed personages done
to deserve the name of " Guy " ? As for Shere Ali
and Cetewayo, they were merely foreign enemies, who
had never distinguished themselves by any enterprise
like mine, and neither of whom suffered martyrdom.
What have the King of the Fiji Islands and the Claimant
in common with me ? What has Marwood to do with
one who was hanged, drawn, and quartered above 273
years ago ? All this is bad enough; but still worse is
the presentation as " Guys," of such dummies as the
Duke of Ditchwater and Sindbad the Sailor. I regard
this as a base endeavour to snuff me out, by in-
sinuating that I am no better than a merely mythic or
fictitious character. Mr. Punch, it is my proud boast
that I am a Reality. The boys, in better times, used
to sing about the streets that they saw no reason why
Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot; but, alas ! I
now see too much reason to fear that it very soon will be
forgotten, unless something is done to rehabilitate in his
time-honoured tatters

Your poor old friend,
Gey Fa wees, Lncendiary and Martyr.

P.S.—As to fireworks and bonfires, I have become a
mere excuse for a flare-up.

Ex Nihilo Nihil.

What " Tap the Porte," Sir Henry ? 'Tis unkind
Thus to mock British Bondholders' dry throttles!

The more you " Tap," the more you 're sure to find
There is no Porte—only the empty bottles !

Sr£~ To CoEESSI-OIflMWIS- —

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