Punch (91.1886)

48

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 24, 1886.

THE LOST LETTER-BAG-

" Liter a scrivta manet.")

My Deae Pb-jie-se, sx

It is interesting to hear from you, that people are saying the
time has come when I should decide what course I shall take in the
existing circumstances. I have not seriously turned my mind upon
the subject yet. But at a cursory glance, I perceive there are three
courses open to me. I might hold on to office, I might resign, or,
thirdly, I might not resign.

As to holding on to office, I may observe that I have reached a time
of life at which office has no allurements for me. I have been con-
tent to hold it as long as it was the wish of my countrymen, and if
it still be their wish, I will not assume rashly that I should have
strength given me to withstand its clear expression. Certainly there
have of late been hints supplied, that the wish indicated on the part
of the nation is not so positively unanimous as I have on former
occasions had reason to believe it was. But it would not be difficult
to show, if the argument were one useful to pursue, that the results
of the late election have on the whole, been favourable to the policy
of Her Majesty's Government. It is true that on a balance of seats
won and lost, we suffer. But if you add the votes given on either
side, you will find that the weight of numbers is in our favour. It is
by an accident that the issue is settled by the votes of representatives
of constituencies. If it were to be settled by the constituencies
themselves, we should be sustained in our position. Still the usages
of political life in this country have decreed that it is the votes, not
of the people, but of their delegates, by which Ministries are made
and unmade. Regarding the situation from this point of view, there
is I must admit, a tendency of events to force upon me the second
course, namely of resignation.

There still remains the third course, not to resign, and whether on
the whole that were not more conformable with the true interests of
the nation is a question that demands and shall receive the closest
and most conscientious attention. It is true that in taking that course,
one so adverse to my own personal leaning, I should be conferring
a great favour upon men who have no right to look for favour at my
hands. It would, relieve the Markiss from an immense embarrass-
ment. If I go, he must come, and how can he form a Ministry ? At
best he would be at the mercy of any combination of sections of the
House that might find themselves at issue with him. Then how
could Haetlngton actually work in harness with the Conservatives,
and what part would Chajibeblajn play ? "Would he help Salis-
bury to coerce Ireland ?

These things are very painful in mere consideration. They would
be heart-breaking in actual operation. If I decide not to resign,
how much would be spared to these estimable men ! Let us leave

matters awhile, my dear P-. Do not commit yourself on my

behalf to any course. If people ask you what I am going to do, turn
the conversation on the weather, a topic full of _ opportunity for
varied and animated conversation. Tours faithfully,

XII.

I need scarcely say that it is more with pain than with asto-
nishment that I have received your notice and acknowledgment
of my pamphlet, The Bishops and the Ballet, that I sent you,
together with an order to admit two to the upper boxes at the
Alhambra. That you should have returned me both, together with
an intimation that yoxi have written by the same post to my incum-
hent to urge my dismissal from my curacy, only endorses the strong
opinion I have expressed of the anti-Christian opposition manifested
"by the Hierarchy to the great, the purifying, the ennobling calling
the interests of which I regard it my proudest privilege to maintain.
I will not enter here into the perfect charm, the enthralling beauty,
the exquisite poetry of what your Lordship, apparently in common
with the veriest Masher, elects to regard as a mere " leg show," but
I will ask you, in common justice, to examine yourself, and see
whether your prejudice does not arise from sheer ignorance of the
details of the splendid art you affect to despise. Has your Lordship,
I would ask, ever attended a rehearsal of one of those masterpieces
of which MM. Jacobi and Hansens' beautiful creation Nina is a
fair specimen? Have you ever even been behind the scenes at
night't I will be bound that your Lordship has not, and yet with
an ulster to hide your apron, and your ordinary headgear changed
for a crush opera-hat, nothing could have been simpler than to have
passed in at the stage-door, and have seen for yourself the earnest
purpose and entire devotion to their profession of those excellent and
painstaking ladies, among whom it is my happiness to have moved
now for many bright and useful years, a votary to their calling, and
a champion of their art.

You my Lord, who contemptuously condemn them en masse, I
would ask you whether you have ever tried, in the privacy of your
own Episcopal Palace, any of the steps a familiarity with which they
have laboriously acquired ? Has your Lordship himself ever essayed

a coupe jete," a " ballones," a " rond da jambe," or even a " saut
de chat" f I will undertake to say that you have not, and yet you,
my Lord, would not shrink from passing an unfavourable judgment
on the excellent work done at the Canterbury in the days of Floeence
Powell, Phyllis Bboughton, and Ada Wilson, or at the South
London with Topsy Elliott and her sisters. It is, therefore, my
Lord, that I am again urging you to come and see for yourself. I
will pass you " behind" at the Alhambra any night you may select.
If you are afraid of detection, a pair of blue spectacles and a false
nose, added to the dress I have already suggested, would ensure your
disguise.

In conclusion, let me respectfully impress upon you that in so
doing you will be fulfilling one of your highest episcopal functions.
It is my earnest desire to see a good understanding established
between the Bishops and the Ballet, and it will be a proud evening
for me when I see your Lordship, even though it be in the general
hustle inseparable from an appearance behind the scenes, surrounded
and welcomed by its votaries. So convinced am I that, after one or
two experiences of thei kind, your prejudices would slip away, and
that a first night in Leicester Square would in future know, in the
very front row of the stalls, no more hearty and hoisterously-
applauding enthusiast than your Lordship.

{This letter is also icithout a Signature, but is written on paper
seemingly the property of the Church and Stage Guild.)

tttt.

SlE, Bullocksmithy, The Pavilion, July 5.

In answer to your kind proposal to bring down a team of
"Eccentric Flamingoes," and play Bullocksmithy any Saturday
next month, I must, I fear, give the Committee's reasons for de-
clining. Last year you came down with only five "Flamingoes,"
one of whom " went on a broken wing," and had a man to run for
him. You made up the team with the aid of your umpire (who was
intoxicated), your scorer (a man of seventy-five), the policeman on
the ground, the druggist's young man, an itinerant photographer
who chanced to be taking a group outside the Pavilion, and you
were one short. The intelligent populace of Bullocksmithy, who had
expected great things from the " E. F.," murmured at the want of
interest in the affair, and declined to be pacified when you alleged
that Eccentricity was the accepted character of your Club. The
retreat of three of your own men after they had secured their
innings, to play lawn-tennis at the Hall, or fish in the neighbouring
rivulet, added to the sense of popular dissatisfaction, and you will, I
hope, admit that the Committee have reasons for declining your
obliging proposal. Believe me faithfully yours,

T. B. PAESOKS {Secretary B.C. C).

xrv.

My Deae Sie "William,

I was very pleased to receive your encouraging letter from
Derby, and have to thank you very much for your recipe for
improving the voice mixture. Fortunately for the last few days, we
have had no occasion to have recourse to it, for beyond reading the
lessons, according to his usual custom, and addressing an harangue
now and then to a chance band of stray tourists, who expect to hear

_.-.-him speak, and refuse to move

away till he does, he has really not
opened his mouth for any public
purpose. He, however, keeps, I
am glad to say, in excellent spirits,
and seems to derive much enjoy-
ment from the almost continual
dispatch of telegrams, post cards,
and letters. When not thus en-
gaged he is busy in the woods
with his axe, and as far as the
political horizon is concerned,
certainly appears to be quite in
the seventh heaven. I can't help
fearing a reaction. What about
another yachting cruise? But
without Lord_ Tennyson (who
sometimes _ writes very uncivil
things) this time? Believe me,
Yours very sincerely,

*****

{Signature overleaf on a page that
has been lost. The envelope lias
the Haioarden post-mark.)

THE AGRICULTURAL OUTLOOK.
(From Dumb-Crambo Junior's Joint
o f View.)

Sxe Feedeeick Pollock having given up being the Queen's
Remembrancer, is going to he his own, and write what he remembers.
Sir Feedeeick's Recollections will be entitled Pollock's Course of
{His Own) Time.

T„ nnuTj-FRFONDE^TS —In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
TO mBJ^ual^^lpgi and Direoted EnVelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders,