Punch (91.1886)

October 16, 1886.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

181

THE LAY. OF THE LOST CRITIC.

Yes, Sir, you 're right; I have come
down. Thanks. Three of Irish
cold.

Well, like the fox who lost his tail,

I've little to unfold.
Thank you, I don't mind if I do. My

dear, the same again.
—I was a Critic once, who lived on
"Chicken and Champagne."

You see me now, a Sandwich-man!

Me ! who was once a scorner
Of Simms's dramatised low life, of

peasant pride in Warner :
The author's skill, the actor's art, were

caviare to me,
A Boardman now—a Woodman once
who didn't spare the Tree.

The'pallid playwright, sick with care,

would angle for a smile,
The actor, like a pricked balloon, would

sink his side awhile;
My pen blackmailed the wretched Pro's,

like levelled pistol's muzzle;
I had a price, and got it too. Law!
how I used, to guzzle !

Whene'er I hear the captive cock that

from the area crows,
(For down our court they keep a, lot to

trouble my repose,)
Whene'er I pass the bottle-shop, my

tears I scarce restrain,
They 'mind me of those bygone hours
of Chicken and Champagne.

I thought myself a power indeed. Nor

was 1 all to blame,
For men I scarcely knew by sight
would conjure with my name.
—" A great night at the Club to-night; Jack Bounder's coming down!"—
They called me Jack behind my back, and trembled at my frown.

Oh, happy days of pleasing toil, of feasting on the best,

When conscious pride of guerdon earned gave every meal a zest!

Loud was the laugh that ever met the oldest joke from me,

And mine the health that always went with rousing three times three!

And so the prosperous years sped on, till on an evil day

I spurned the Critic's easy throne, and thought to write a play.

I'd prove to flattering crowds that still fresh laurels eould be won,

And show poor playwrights how the thing ought really to be done.

And I would wed a chorister, a slender, fair-haired thing.

I thought that she might act—in time. (I knew she could not sing.)

I pitched upon a German faree to start my honest life,

Picked all the " plums" from all the parts, and wrote them for my wife.

#*»**«*
Gods! how they hissed and hooted! You could scarcely hear a word ;
—The artistes turned in wrath on me, because they got "the bird."
And she, my destined bride, remarked, with irony abstruse,
"You've had so much of Chicken, that you ought to welcome Goose."
And so the spell was broken. Oh, what a fool was I
To risk the unassailed success of those who never try !
No more obsequious Managers besought me for a play,
And meanest mummers ceased to care a rap what I eould say.
Then down and ever down I sunk; dropped out of all my Clubs ;
And in a year or two I came to " prossing " round the " pubs."
But, venal still, I made a bit by penning spiteful "pars"
On those who had not half-a-crown when "whispered" at the bars.
But that is past—and here I am; and few things make me sore,
Save when at luncheon-time I chance to pass Milano's door,
And see the Drama's minor lights sail in in silk and satin;
—The pride of learning haunts me still—I curse in Greek and Latin.
Good-bye, Sir. Thank you kindly. It is time for me to go
To advertise Fitznoodie's play with measured tread and slow.
Fitznoodle ! whom I slated so, it turned his hair half-grey!
—And now I carry boards about to advertise his play!

Farewell, farewell! but this I tell to thee, thou stranger host-
ile writeth best who writeth least, and yet you praiseth most.
He writeth best who firideth good to praise in great and small,
For fools who oan't tell good from bad make game alike of all.

vol, xci. b

PAPER-KNIFE POEMS.

(By Our Special Boole-Marker.)
"A NOETHEEN LILT."
Miss Harrison here has to tell,
A touching tale and tells it well!
She knows full well there is no doubt,
The people that she writes about,
And plies a graphic clever pen.
That's not too Scotch for Englishmen!
"A SHADOWED LIFE."
With incident and mystery you' 11 find this story rife,
And King unusual power shows in this—A Shadowed
Life.

" QTJEEE STOEIES."
A good story-teller, he seldom a bore is—
So we welcome, from Truth, a dozen Queer Stories,

"BY "WOMAN'S "WIT."
In Mrs. Alexander's tale

Much art she clearly shows,
In keeping dark the mystery

Until the story's close!

ITT EOR THE EOECE.

It having been, in conformity with the recommen-
dations of the recent Committee of Inquiry, determined
to appoint a certain number of new "Chief Constables,"
to act as Departmental Chiefs of the Metropolitan Police
Force, and it having been further decided that those
eligible for the post shall be retired Officers of the Army
who shall have served with merit, and occupy a " certain
social position." the following paper of inquiries to be
answered by the Candidates for the posts in question,
and calculated to test their fitness for fulfilling the duties
attached to them, has been carefully drawn up by the
Authorities at Scotland Yard :—

1. Mention your rank in the Army, stating whether
you have ever served as Field-Marshal or as General of
Division; and, if under any distinguished circumstances,
furnish them in detail.

2. Are you a K.C.B., and, if so, have you pledged the
jewel ? If so, state when and where, and say what you

^°3. Are you a Duke, Member of the House of Peers,
or connected with any titled or country family ? If so,
trace your family tree up to your great grandfather's
great grandfather, and mention if you can any of your
ancestors who fell at the battle of Hastings, Agincourt,
or in the Wars of the Roses. _ -

4. Have you moved much in society m Bayswater ?
If so furnish any extenuating circumstances you can
think'of, to explain your having done so.

5. Do you dine out frequently during the season ? Give
not'less than fifteen addresses within a mile of Belgrave
Square to which you have been invited.

0. Supply any further particulars you can, that you
fancy might establish the fact of your " good social posi-
tion.'" Do you get asked anywhere into the country for
the shooting, and do you show in the park in the season
on a hired hack ? Have you ever managed to get your
name mentionpd in the column of Fashionable Intelli-
gence in the Morning Post?

7. Have you had any facilities of becoming acquainted
with the working and ways of the Police, other than
that of having been locked up in connection with a
night-charge. If so, give the full particulars, and state
whether you have ever played the part of a Policeman
in a Drury Lane Pantomime.

8. Draw a section of, and describe the construction of,
an ordinary dark lantern, and explain the methods of
using the whistle and the truncheon. Have you ever
handled the latter, and, if so, with what effect ?

9. Do you understand the " Dog Question" ? How
many people must a rabid animal bite to constitute him
as being not under proper control" ?

10. Give a rough sketch from memory of Scotland
Yard, and supply some suggestions for your possible
uniform, specially with a view to the adoption, or the
contrary, of an electric-lighted cocked-hat, cuirass, high
jack-boots, and cavalry sabre, as integral portions of the
costume.