Punch (91.1886)

Octobeb 30, 1886.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVAPJ.

205

ROBERT AT COOK'S LITTLE SWARRY.

How wunderfully suckemstanees happens sumtimes wen one's a
thinking of summut quite different! Going to a hengagement as I
had last week at the West End, who shood I meet of all pussons in
the wurld hut my old frend the Cook of Portland Plaice. Fansy
meeting a Cook a taking a wark, and all in her "best close too, in-
cludin a hran new Bonnet jest like a Briggan's At, and not of a
Sunday! I niver was more estonish'd. She cum up to me with
that particklar pleasing smile as lovely woman allers wears when
she's got a new dress on, and meets a frend as ain't. I felt jest a
leetle orkard at fust, remembring the peeculier suekumstances under
which we larst parted, but she made no elusion to 'em, exeep by
saying, " If you '11 promise to "behave yerself, we shall he glad to see
you to-morrow night at our little Swarry as we 're a going to have,
as all the fammerly's out of town."

Of coarse I prommist to go, and go I did, and I don't no wen I've
more injoyed myself. We had a puffecly lovely tea, with shrimps
and sardeens and marmarlaid and sossidges, quite like the werry
hiest Nobillerty, and a little drop of sumthink nice in the larst cup.
And then we had a little danse. I dansed with Cook, and Tommus
the tall horty Footman dansed with Abeybellee the Parler Maid,
and our music was one of the werry finest Street Horgans as I hever
herd, and played in such a marsterly style as would have delited the
vs j Edenburrow, or any other werry fust-rate Musician. Then
we had a little singing. Tommus sang, "My pretty Jane," which
he gallarntly, for the occashun, turned into 11 My pretty Arry-
belleb, at which she amost hlusht. Then I sang " Symon the
Lellarman, and not to he outdone in hommage to the Fare, I sub-
stituted Dame Cooky for Dame Margery, but not with werry great
sucksess, as Cook said as she thort as old Symon was a conceited old
tool. However, I made up for it later on hy reading to 'em my hran
?eW- ir™anoe> which I calls The Mystery of May Fare, "hy one
behind the Seens," which they all declared to he the weTry thril-
Iingest, and most exsitingest, and the shortest story of modern times,
publish it<lmte agrees 'em' 1 tllinks as 1 snall werry shortly

We then all set down to Supper, jest a duzzen of us. There would
na been 13 ! hut Cook made young Buttons the Page set down in the
nex room by hisself, witch he only consented to do on condishun of
having a hextra pot of plum Jam all to hisself. I was glad to see
him sent out. It served him rite for larfing at me and Cook, when
we was a dancing. Tommus said in his horty way, that nothink
woud have injuiced him to set down 13, as the ony time he ever saw

it done, a old gent werry nearly choked hisself with a fish hone!
witch of coarse was a warning to all of 'em. Being apealed to as one
rayther xperiensed in this kind of thing, I told 'em my thrilling story
of the ex-Sheriff who went down all the way to Epping Forrest to
dine, and being just a little late, the cumpany was all seated, and
wen he saw as they was jest 12, and that he woud make 13, he first
turned garstly pail, he then turned on his eel, and, without one
singel word of apolergy or egscuse, he returned to the place from
wence he came, and acshally went without his dinner ! All on 'em
thort as this was one of them hacts of self-sacrifice as was wurthy to
compare with any as they'd ever heard on. The Butler, who is
rayther a littery man, said as it reminded him of Sur Phillip
Sidney's gallant acshun at the Battle of Waterloo.

We coudn't have no more dansing as the Horganist had left "and
taken the Horkestry with him, so the Butler he hrewd us a perfecly
lovely Bowl of Punch, and we set round the tahel and told anneek-
dotes. Sum was of rayther a startlin carackter, such as Tommtjs's
tale of the last Darby, how he got the strait tip from the Dook of
Westminster's Footman, and betted with a most respeetahel looking
gent on the course, and won sewen pound ten, which the gent paid
him quite honerabel with a ten-pound note, Tommus giving him the
difference, and how shortly arterwards he saw the same respeetahel
gent a "being chivied by a mob without no hat, and his coat torn up
the back, and all as he was told, because he was a Welshman, and
how when he went nex day to git his note changed he found as it was
a forgery! He kindly forbore to repeat the langwidge as he used on
that ocasion, out of respec, as he said, to the Ladies, hut we mite
bleeve as how it was rayther powerful!

I told 'em too or three staggerers ahout parst Lord Mares, witch
was werry successful, hut the wun as pleased the Fare Sects most,
was the account of how we takes it hy turns at the Manshun Ouse,
after ewery Bankwet to which Ladies of Fashun is inwited, to have
the fust go round the rooms with a dust-pan and a "broom, to sweep
up all the Dimons and other jewels as the Ladies has dropt, with
sitch results sumtimes as woud estonish 'em all did I dare menshun
it, hut we was all most sollemly swore to secresy! They tried werry
hard to make me hrake my wow, hut all in wane. So as it was a
gitting late the sollem Butler kindly wound up the heavening hy
perposmg my elth as the Gest of the Party, witch he did in sitch
flattering turms as amost maid me "blush. He said among other
things, as I hadded dignerty to my nohel perfession. I trust I re-
plied fittingly, as hecame my karacter and persition. The Butler
told me afterwards that he had seldom heerd sitch a speech, outside
the Theatre, which sent me away smiling and appy, for myxperience
tells me as we all likes a little hit of flattery, from the werry hiest to
the werry lowest, witch must include a good lot on us, Robert.

DIVORCE MADE EASY,

Dear. Mr. Punch,

A Writer in the St. James's Gazette, dealing with the
subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision
of the code, which he strongly advocates, " women should be placed
on the same footing with men." Such a pestilent heresy of course
provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of
the subject, I heg to submit to you, Sir, a few reasonahle grounds
for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious
revised code. . ,. . ,. .„

A man should he allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all
or any of the following grounds :—

1. If he sees anyone he likes hetter than his wife.

2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

3. If his wife's hrother horrows money of him.

4. If she ohjects to his going to Paris without her.

5*. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at hreakfast,
she eats any of them.

6. If she hears him come m at tour in the morning, when he has
considerately taken off his hoots to do so quietly.

7. If she refers to it. .

8. If she ever says, "My dear, I think we've heard that story
before."

9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story.

10. If she ohjects to smoking.

11. If she is not civil to all his male friends.

12. And female ones.

There, Sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend
to the attention of this law-reformer. You will ohserve I have not
included any trivial reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the
St. James's Gazette says, "should he as expeditious and inexpensive
as possible." Yours faithfully,

Turtle-Dove Terrace. A Tendee Husband.

A Recent Impostor. — They sucked in Dr. Keatlnge's lies as
easily as if they'd heen Heating's lozenges.

vox,, xci.