Punch (91.1886)

July 10, 1886.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVABI.

13

THE COMMON SQUEAL.

A Song eoe Shelekees.

Men, whose fa-
thers lied, and
tricked, and
bribed to bring
about the Union,
Men, whose
brothers at the
Music Hall
grimace,
I will show you
that the Poet
with your spirits
owns commu-
nion,

I will show you
that the Bard is
of your race.

H.

What are those
that shriek and
squeal against
the Isle across
the water ?
"What is he that
crams our ears
with patriot
cant ?

See the lyrist lick the party hack at breathing lire and slaughter ?
See the man of rhymes embrace the man of rant ?

in.

Here the plea whereby the Poet apes, and charms, the Penny Paper—

' We are they whose works sensationally shine,
I was ever good at curses, Victoe Hugo I '11 out-vapour,

And if there is a scurril tongue 'tis mine."

iv.

Who would fear to back the Poet as a double-barrelled screamer,
Pure of morals, clean of language, free from bile ?

Do you want old Gladstone scarified, the sanguinary schemer ?
J will show you how to slander and revile.

(Does so in nine violent verses, savage and scathing, but scarcely
suited for publication.')

xiv.

There! ^ That cuts every record in the way of party squealing,
That's the style to pelt and pulverise your foes.
a1 fought Lord Randolph rabid, but this comes as a revealing,
And there's lots more where it comes from—verse or prose.

xv.

Perfect rancour, wrath eternal, everlasting objurgation,
Freedom ? Yes, I've always praised it, and. may be

It may do for Prance or Italy. But that curst Irish nation ?-

Rather slay them man by man from sea to sea!

indulge my remarkably fine appetite, with every luxury that a
refined taste and immense experience could supply. On Saturday I
was not invited to meet the Prince of Wales, at a grand banquet to
the Executive Committee of the Colinderies, of which I had heard a
distant rumour.

So you will perceive, Sir, that my share of the famous week's
festivities, amounted to one good supper, provided for me by the
Corporation, and a cup of coffee and a roll and butter, provided for
me by myself. And yet I find that 1 am the victim of the pretended
sympathy of my pitying friends, at my necessarily seedy appearance
after a week of unbounded luxury. The trial is doubly hard to bear,
as it began with bitter disappointment, and ends with sardonic
sympathy. ^ q_ (but assuredly not a Seedy One).

A DISGUSTED C. C.

Me. Punch, Sue,
„ I am literally boiling over with indignation at the amount of
roasting I am receiving, from the members of my numerous acquain-
tance, as to the state of my health after my imagined week of
festivities. Week of Festivities indeed! Week of Fasting rather.
o«p% and Dakill£ and frying, being confined to the heat of the

one festivity, to which I was invited.

of eo„r yiL went t0 Clmrcltl> t0 st- Paul's, no refreshments there
deerep S and none expected. On Monday I gazed with a proper
Mascmin 1 Ppo^nd respect, and at a respectful distance, upon the
masonic performance of H.R.H. the Prince of Wales, at the Tower
for T iw • i refreshments afterwards, tho'certainly not of course,
the seW * 7 ,d exPeot them. On Tuesday I was not included in
Pro™ wVT wk° .dined at the Mansion House, with the Mayors and
that thea vmtei Kingdom- On Wednesday. I was informed,
sine die On VLeoePtion and supper at the Colinderies, was adjourned
tion of'thZ nursday I went to the Crystal Palace at the invita-

refreskment* 8 of ttat real Palace of the Pe°Ple> hut as my

coffee nnrl a ,vofre at,my own expense, they were confined to a cup of
ball that wP 5 and. J?utter- 0n Friday 1 attended the magnificent
DdUtnatwe gave at Guildhall, and then of course I was enabled to

A REGULAR PLANT.

Sle,—Here is a passage from a book I have been reading, " The
Sagacity and Morality of Plants, by J. E. Tatloe, Ph.D., F.L.S.,
&c, &c.: Chatio and Wtjstdus," that has afforded me not only some
food for reflection, but material for experiment. " Hosts of common
plants," the author says, " con-
tinually perform actions which,
if they were done by human
beings, would at once be brought
within the category of right and
wrong. There is hardly a vice
or virtue which has not its
counterpart in the action of the
vegetable kingdom."

I soon set about getting^ a
practical answer to his question S J cf*1'
byplantingmy back garden and ... „ ,., tt * »

stocking my conservatory with "** 0rcmd Hunter-

selected specimens, and then watching and taking notes. The result
has been so unique and peculiar that I publish it without further
apology. Here it is:—

Taking my round this morning, was much surprised by hearing
peals of laughter. Found that they came from a Brassica hilaris, or
light-hearted Cabbage (native of Putney), that had apparently been
sent into fits by some remarks of the Napina hieroglyphica, or
conundrum-asking Turnip. Noticed at the same time the unappre-
ciative attitude of a fine sample of Cucurbita deridens, one of the
Sneering Pumpkin family, whose tone was very irritating to some
Asparagus that had evidently enjoyed the joke. Saw, as I came up
the path, a Raphanus flebilis, or easily-moved Horse-Radish, weep-
ing in sympathy with an Onion that was.also in tears, but I couldn't
make out exactly what they were crying about, unless it was the
conduct of a row of Strawberries, that resented being planted in their
immediate vicinity, and deliberately turned their backs on them. On
approaching the house found that the Creeper, a House-Breaking
Wisteria, Wisteria fur ax, (native of Seven Dials), had in the night
got in at the staircase-window, and managed to carry off a couple of
bottles of pale ale from a cupboard on the landing. These I dis-
covered it had given to a Begonia siticulosa, one of the dram-drinking
species, that had been left out in its pot at the foot of the garden-
steps, and had been egging on the Wisteria to commit the theft.

On entering the conservatory, was at once reminded of the Pelar-
gonium jocosum, or practical joking geranium, that had again
been up to its tricks, this time making a booby-trap of the watering
pot, and hiding the contents of the work-basket among the roots of
the ferns. I was, however, assisted in discovering their whereabouts
by a total- abstaining cactus (Cactus abstinens), that takes a serious
view of life, and fortunately frequently acts as a wet blanket to the
exuberant tomfoolery set on foot by the roystering annuals.
Noticed that several pots of Lobelia had been beaten literally from
blue to black in aggressive attacks made on them by a hardy speci-
men of the Prize-fighting Fuchsia (Fuchsia bellicosa), which, I,
however, managed eventually to quiet down by threatening to plant
it out among the artichokes. Couldn't help observing the nasty
feeling that appeared to exist between a Gardenia and several pots
of Mignonette, the latter being restrained from flying at the former
only by the presence of a hypochondriacal Phlox (Phlox melancholicus),
native of Heme Bay, whose proverbial ill-humour and depression
seemed to act as a salutary check upon any attempt to make a
demonstration. Finished my round by turning out a low-minded
Hollyhock that had taken to using the bad language of flowers and
threatening a Dahlia, that had made away with the clipping-scissors,
that I would call in the police unless it gave them up.

Such, Sir, has been my experience, which I beg you will publish
for what it is worth, as I believe it will throw a good deal of prac-
tical light upon Dr. Tatloe's theories. For obvLu3 reasons 1
suppress my name and address, and must ask you to permit me
simply to subscribe myself, Something Like a Gaedeneb.

vol. xci.