Punch (91.1886)

August 7, 1886.]

punch, or the london charivari.

Gl

VANITY AND HYPOCHONDRIA.

(Use of the Looking-Glasses in a Hansom Cab.)

A FIELD-DAY AMONG THE CITY GUARDIANS.

The Guardians of the City Union, rising for once above the somewhat dull
level of their ordinary proceedings, discussed at their weekly meeting- a subject
that evidently suited them, and showed them in their very best form.

A Special Committee had been appointed to consider the highly important
question, whether the Officers of Thavies Inn—presumably a refuge for Casual
Poor—should be allowed the sum of £4 10s. yearly, instead of the usual
quantity of beer. And this interesting matter naturally brought out the fiery
eloquence^ of the Guardians. The leading member said it was their bounden
duty to discourage the use of stimulants, on which a jovial member shouted

Nonsense!" A still more jovial member boldly remarked that, if it had not
been for alcoholic spirits, the Board would not have had his valuable services
tor thirty-one years. He added this most convincing statement as to their
beneficial influence,—"Why my wife gives my fowls and my canary-birds
brandy to restore them! "

Another bold member claimed the same right for their Officers as they claimed
ipr themselves. " He was exceeding sorry," he said, in tones of deep pathos,
of " nv, ^e saw any member of that Board take too much." There were cries
t i °k'" but the D°ld memoer defied them to say they had not taken
too much. There were cries of " Name!" and sarcastic members remarked that
periiaps the bold member had taken too much himself, at which there was some
derisive laughter.

rn, a very rash member, though a Common Councilman, demanded to
sdd+vTt j he was one of those alluded to i hut the hitherto bold member
claim A <riL£eohned to answer; upon which the rash member indignantly ex-
"I nbi f + - you insinuate that I am!" adding the remarkable words,
TTnJnJ, * j 1<; ^etting into the papers that members of the City of London
WKo£ g+i drunk-" Not content with that, he continued the subject by asking
s. y' ' Pid any member of the Board ever see me drunk ?" To which
( leeiing appeal a member, who had hitherto remained silent, cruelly remarked.

you are a11 drunk!"

lmn„Prt ™s a literary member said that he felt his reputation had been reflected
3?™^ g r3 did not say upon what, adding that for his part he had never
wf a 7 meF}ber top-heavy." Upon this the hold member remarked that he
naa never said anyone was " top-heavy," but simply that they had taken too

A Tire distinction very creditable to his power of discrimination,
nf it presumabiy sporting member having spoken somewhat contemptuously
oi xne rampant teetotallers of Thavies Inn, asked two questions of so convincing
jicnaracter, that no one ventured to reply to them. "Why," he asked, in tones

of burning indignation, " should Homerton and Bow be
dragged," metaphorically of course, " at the tail of
Thavies Inn ?" _ Ah! why indeed; and, "Why should
they draw the line at Beer and not at Potatoes ? " and
Echo answered, Why ?

After these burning appeals the debate somewhat
languished, falling to the level of mere common sense,
and including a common-sense remark from a gentle-
man from bonnie Scotland, that what the Officers wanted
was not to give up drinking, but to have a choice of
drinks.

The motion was eventually lost, and the Officers are
not to be robbed of their beer, for a mere paltry money
equivalent, which is a fortunate thing for those under
their control. It is well-known that no one's temper
can stand much "worriting." He who confines his drink
to the same level as that of the poor unreasoning soul-
less animals, who never take too_ much and are never
" top-heavy," cannot avoid irritation.

MAKING THE BEST OE IT.

137, Little Jones Smith St., Paddinaton,

Dear Me. Punch, August 3rd, 1886.

As at this season, when everybody is leaving
London, there must be a considerable number of impe-
cunious Peers who, like myself, are unable, from sheer
want of means, to go anywhere at all, I am writing for
the purpose of throwing out a few hints to those of my
order who find themselves in the same box with me, how
to make the Metropolis a passable place of residence
during those holiday months. I assume that they, like
me, have had to shut up their country places, dismiss
all their servants, part with their carriages, let their
town-house to some Colonial celebrities, and take fur-
nished apartments in a back-street in Bayswater. If
they have done this, they will still, I maintain, on my
plan find it possible to derive from London life much of
the zest and stimulus of foreign travel or the freshness
and vigour of a Highland tour with its concomitant sport
and excitement.

Take my own ease. I am up at half-past five, and off
for my dip in the Serpentine, which I find as fresh and
delightful as if taken in any Scotch lake or at any
fashionable watering-place, and later in the day I go
there for my salmon-fishing. I do not catch any salmon,
at least I have not caught any yet, but what does it
matter ? I throw in my line, and wait for a rise until
stopped by the Park-keeper, whose invariable appearance
on the scene invests the sport with an additional ele-
ment of surprise and excitement. Then, as to work with
my gun—my air-gun—I get plenty of that at the cats in
the neighbouring back-gardens; and though I believe
that, owing to my having broken a stray window or two,
the police have been set to watch me in this pursuit, yet
I have hitherto had no reason to be jealous of my friends
who will soon be making their biggest bags of grouse in
the North. I have had an excellent time of it.

Meanwhile Lady Baebacees and the girls enjoy them-
selves, after their kind, most thoroughly. We not only
mount on the top of a penny omnibus, and get our airing,
in the fashion indicated in your last week's issue, by
doing all the different routes in turns, but we vary our
means of locomotion by taking occasional trips, that re-
mind us of our yachting^ experiences, up and down the
river, sometimes even going as far as Rosherville, which
is, par excellence, the place to spend a happy day.

On the whole, my dear Mr. Punch, I can assure you
we are in no way having a bad time of it; and though,
owing, I believe, to the uncertain political outlook, our
income is reduced from £10,000 to £350 a-year, we
manage to make both ends meet, and, by following the
course I have indicated, contrive to get as much recrea-
tive enjoyment from it as we ever did in the days of Con-
tinental travel, and Scotch Moor. So it is with confidence
that I can say to my brothers in temporary ruin, "Go
and do likewise," assuring them that they will, with a
little contentment, and determination to take things easily
for a season or two, find it quite as bearable as does

Yours, cheerfully, Baeeacees.

mem. by a cabinet-maxee.

The tip of the tout and the place-seeking Toff is ( „
The same ; in slang lingo 'tis, " Give me the omce.

vol. xoi.