Punch: Punch (91.1886)

74 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 14, 1886.

IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO.

(\A\"''

FOLLOW! FOLLOW!

( With Apologies to the Author of " The Princess.")

" He himself recognised Lord Hartington as leader, and
was prepared to support all measures aud actions taken by
him."—Mr. Chamberlain at the Liberal-Unionist Meeting at
Devonshire Souse. (Times.)

"Daring Duckling" loquitur :—

But -when the Council broke I rose and past
Through Cockney crowds that hung about the House,
Found a still place, and plucked my likeness out,
Laid it before me, watched it lying there,
"With its grey gleam of shrewd and screwy eyes ;
What meant those words p And did I give my troth
To him of the hung lip ? The Daring Duckling
To follow Hip Van Winkle ? Deuced droll
The situation! "What a whirligig
Is politics! One of the lordly lilies
Who toil not, neither spin, but Joseph's Leader!
Did I not say so ? Arm-chair politician,
Set against Ransom as against Disruption.
But in all measures and all acts supported
By Joe the Jacobin ! They were my words.
And yet, and yet,—well, " Mild lleturns " at present
I put into my pipe and smoke. Anon
" Cut Cavendish " may have its charm—who knows ?
Follow my Leader is a pretty game
To wile away slack hours. Ask Randolph Churchill,
Yet not until the Daring Duckling turns
Gregarious Goose, or clout-led Turkey-cock,
Shall second fiddle wholly satisfy
Brummagem's pride ; but while I meditated
A thought arose and rushed upon my mind,
And shook the doubtful " Ifs " aud dubious " Buts "
Of my wild speech together : and a Voice
Went with it, " Follow, follow—thou shalt lead

A New Name foe an Old Paett.— The Separatists
are now called "Gladicles."

THE LOST LETTEE-BAG.

(" Litem scripta manet.")

xxix.

(Addressed to the Editor of a Journal—name lost.)

Sir,—A Scotch Tourist has been writing to a daily paper, com-
plaining bitterly of the unpunctuality of the three great Companies
daily running their trains to the North, the latter reaching their
destination sometimes fully two hours after the advertised time, and
on the particular occasion to which he refers depositing him at
2'30 p.m. on the Perth platform, where he had apparently to pass
the night in what he characterises as a scene of indescribable confu-
sion " of men, women, and children, sportsmen with dogs, servants,
all rushing about inquiring eagerly about the next train, and with
only one result, that they would have to pass the remainder of the
night in cold waiting-rooms." Surely the remedy for this state of
things is in the Scotch Tourist's own hands. He has only to provide
against the contingency by taking with him a three-foot-six flock
mattress, a bolster and feather pillow, two blankets, a "moderator,"
small circulating library, and Model Victorian Cooking-Stove, and
he will find himself quite prepared to pass the night comfortably on
Perth platform, or anywhere else. If so inclined, he may also throw
in the bagpipes ; that will enable him, if he can perforin creditably
on the instrument, to enliven the small hours of the morning.

While the unusual pressure on the traffic continues, I can only
recommend everybody making for the Highland line to follow the
example of Yours circumspectly,

Expeeto Ceede.

xxx.

Deae Chancelloe,

War does he mean to drop his engaging correspondence
with twenty thousand attached friends ? Why, do you not see the
meanness of the man ? It is all to spite you. The only prosperous
item m the last Budget was the Post-Office, swollen by his enormous
correspondence. He withdraws his correspondence. Bang go
twenty thousand stamps per diem ! You are left with a deficit, and
in he comes, and rigs the market again by throwing in his stamps
and post-cards. I always admitted he had a genius for Finance, but
what want of principle ! Yours very truly,

Andeew Faieteade.

xxxi.

[This appears to be a lithographed Circular.)

Sue, Cromwell Jioad, August 5.

Mat I ask you, as a neighbour, to respect the repose of
others while, with such creditable energy, you are bustling through
your holidays out of town ? I prefer to be peaceful in town, but I
cannot enjoy my natural rest while the workmen on your premises
begin banging and hammering at 7 a.m. every morning. Could you
not request them to defer their labours till 11 a.m.,_ when I usually
get up ? Do you mind my killing your cat, which makes night
hideous ever since you left it on board-wages. If these arrange-
ments can be made, life in Kensington will be more endurable to
Yours obediently, Thomas Idle.

xxxn.

To Thomas Quills, Esq., The Heraeum, Fleet Street, E. C.
Deae Quills,

I know you intend it kindly, and many people would like
it, but I do wish you would now and then get out a copy of the
Heraeum, without mentioning my name in the Literary Notes.

" Mr. Arthur Hackson is one of the competitors for the Chair of the
Mandingo Language, in Abergele College, North Wales."

" Mr. Arthur Hackson has undertaken to write an important article on
' Old Boots,' for the Liberal Union Gazette."

"We hear that Mr. Hackson intends to take his holiday in Central
Thibet, with a view to writing a Romance called Lama or Lamplighter ? for
Our Little Girls."

" Mr. Arthur Hackson's Commentary on the Chrestomachia of Proclus
is in the hands of the Clarendon Press."

None of these statements, my dear Quills, have a particle of truth
in them, and, though you don't mean it in the least, they rather get
on the nerves of Yours very truly, A. H.

xxxin.

Sie,—Though personally a stranger to the Author of Topsy-
Turvy, the pleasure with which I laid^ down your latest effort in
what you would doubtless describe as fiction, impels me to inform
you of the concentrated disgust and unqualified contempt with
which its perusal has inspired me for its writer.

I infer from the title-page that this is by no means your first in-
fliction upon a long-suffering public, but, as one of them, I may