Punch: Punch (91.1886)

Ui PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 18, 1886.

Friday.—Supply again. Got through
the business much as a man crosses a room
strewn with lucif er matches. Every now
and then a flash of flame and a crackle.
Few more paces taken quietly, and again
the flash and the explosion. George
Campbell trod on a match when he threat-
ened to divide Committee because ^ Ran-
dolph had not given him conciliatory
reply. Randolph, who had through the
sitting kept his temper
with rare success, flared
up at this. Offered to
fight Campbell on the
spot. Was taking off his
coat as preliminary to
operations, when Hicks-
BEACHgently, butfirmly,
buttoned it across his
chest.

Chiefest explosion

around salary of Jesse

Collings during brief

tenure of office. John

Dillon roundly accused

Jesse of having invoked

the aid of Joseph to

obtain £1,500 a year,
Can't help smiling." wken the gakry had been

fixed'at £1,200. Joseph and Jesse both absent—gone forth arm-in-
arm in search of holiday pleasures. No one to say a word for them,
and, in the end, vote reduced by £300. " Can't help smiling,'' said
Jacobt. After this, a great calm of satisfaction fell over Committee,
and money voted with increased rapidity.
Business done.—Votes in Supply.

HINTS TO NEW MEMBEBS.

Many new Members of the House of Commons having written to
Mr. Punch for his advice as to the best means of "getting on" in
Parliament, he has prepared for their guidance a few simple and in-
fallible rules:—

1. As soon as you have taken your seat, write a note to the
Speaker, and tell him to call upon you at a certain hour—say half-
past six. He will not venture to disregard this notice. Speak at as
great a length as you can, beginning a sentence occasionally with,
"And now a few words in conclusion." This keeps alive the
pleasures of hope in the breasts of your audience.

2. Half the battle consists in founding your method of speaking
upon a good model. Dr. Tanner, for instance, has a very attractive
manner, or if you prefer the fine old Roman style, take Mr. Cony-
beare. A persuasive and brilliant delivery may be acquired from
imitation of Dr. Clab.ee, or Sir George Campbell. As regards
management of the voice, you cannot do better than study the
system adopted by Sir. N. Kay-Shtjttleworth.

3. When you have spoken, sit down upon your hat. This is a very
favourite performance, and when well executed—as it was lately by
Mr. R. G. Webstek—never fails to bring down the House. Take
a new hat with you for this particular occasion.

4. Cultivate a good loud cough or sneeze, and practise it whenever
an interesting speech is being made. It prevents you being over-
looked. In the midst of an effective peroration from the G. O. M. or
Lord Randolph, a tremendous sneeze—or even a loud trumpeting
from the nose—has a very happy effect. Better to be known for
your sneeze than to be lost in the general crowd.

5. Go and have a chat with the Speaker occasionally. Recollect
that he must be lonely, perched up in that chair all night, and
naturally he longs for an opportunity of comparing notes with new
Members on the personal appearance and style of the chief leaders
and debaters. Climb up on his chair, and sing out in his ear, " Mr.
Peel ! " You will receive immediate attention.

6. Rise whenever you think proper, and call an old Member to
order. Tou may be quite in the wrong, but never mind—it gives
you importance, and draws upon you the favourable notice of the
Speaker, who is always very glad to be reminded of his duty—
especially by new Members.

7. When you dine in the House, take a seat at the table set apart
for Ministers. This is generally recognised as a.n assertion of your
claim to official position, and you are pretty sure to get some post or
other when the next vacancy arises.

8. If you consider yourself good-looking, walk up and down the
House frequently, and make yourself as conspicuous as possible.
This pleases the ladies in the Gallery. After a division, just as the
tellers are bowing to the Speaker, go and stand close to the table as

CANNY.

"why i dinna peayfaie tab smoke, heoh t weel, noo,
loddie, i 'll joost tell ye. whiles ye 'ke smoking, ye blaw
an' elaw, an' whaur is't? But gin ye tak a gutd Pench,
losh ! mon, ye ken ei 's thjser ! "

if you were about to receive their report. Everybody must then see
you, and your blue eyes, raven hair, or what not must be sufficiently
admired. You cannot hope to cut out Sir Richard Temple, but you
need not let him have it all his own way.

9. When selecting your seat, choose one just behind your party
leaders, and lean over to them now and then, and give them your ideas
as to their policy, management, and so forth. Tell them what you
think of their speeches, and keep up a running fire of commentary on
the debate. Speak your mind plainly, especially if you think your
leaders are wrong—they like it.

10. If you are a Conservative, go up to Lord Randolph Churchill
whenever you find yourself in the lobby with him, and ask him what
he intends to do about Ireland, why he made Matthews Home
Secretary, and what is the reason he has not yet desired you to speak.
Inquire how it is that you never see him in the smoking-room now
with Labot/chere, and whether he has had a row with Chamber-
lain. Nothing pleases him so much as little attentions of this kind.

11. If you find that any Member of longer standing than yourself
has occupied a particular seat to which his right is generally
respected, go and take it at once. Sentimental nonsense about
courtesy will not go down in these Democratic days. Let the old
Member understand that you are the Coming Man, and that your
portrait has been in the Penny Gusher, or the Evangelical Foghorn.
He will soon see the propriety of giving way to you.

12. If you notice Sir William Harcourt sitting alone at any
time, take your place by his side, and enter into conversation. You
will find him easy of access, and. diffident and affable in manner. If you
ask him a few pertinent questions—such as the date of his speech on
Conservatives stewing in Parnellite juice, how it was he became con-
verted to Home Rule, why he was called Sir Lucius O'Trigger the
other day, and so forth—you will receive from him a reception which
will long linger in your memory.

By following these directions, the ambitious new Member cannot
fail to " get on," though whether it will be in the desired direction or
not, can only be ascertained after due trial and experience.

Squaring the " Circle."—A Correspondent claims to have almost
solved this problem. He can, he says, procure " Orders " for the
Upper Boxes at nearly every theatre in London.

An Irish Remedy.—Having examined the draft of Mr. Parnell's
Land Bill, one of his party expressed a fear that Landlords would
find that draught a bitter pill.

An Orange Outrage.—Covent Garden Market.

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