Punch: Punch (91.1886)

192

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 16, 1886.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

Feom " Me. Spexceb." berun> monday,

i \ ^-

eab Toby,

I find ryour letter on going
back to the Kaiserhoff, after see-
ing Hebbeet. (Of course I don't
mean our Hebbeet. Strange,
isn't it, that there should he two
Grand Old Men, one in Germany
and one in England, and both
with sons named Hebbeet P) I
am delighted with what you tell
me of the stir my mysterious dis-
appearance has made. "Such
larks! " as Joe Gargery said to
Pip. I quite understand that, as
you say, since the disappearance
of the late Mr. Lefeoy there has
been no such sensation in London.
The fact is, I was getting a little
hored at the Treasury. I wanted a diversion. One cannot, in present circum-
stances, race across "Westminster Bridge, as I once did, what time the clock
struck the quarters and midnight. Nor can I very well go making cart-wheels
along the pavement in Pall Mall. Must do something; so I thought of this,
and it has answered all my expectations. Most amusing to read the German
papers, or rather to get Teaffobd to translate them for me.

I have heen to Varzin, and had a couple of hours' chat with Bismabck. He's
a very able man, of course; but a little lacking in humour. He doesn't see
any fun in my going about under an alias. "Ten thousand thunders!" he
growled, looking down on me with a fearful scowl, " why on earth couldn't you
come here in your own name ? What do you mean by dodging from railway
station to railway station, disguised in a big cloak, as if you had stolen a watch
or murdered a man, and feared the police were af rer you ? " Then he lapsed
into German, and I lost the thread of his conversation, but rather guessed it
was not complimentary.

This was not a favourable opening to the conversation, but we presently got
on a little better. I promised Bismabck: I would back him up. Told him
Gladstone was finally played out, and that I would keep Salisbuey straight.
But he didn't seem so gratified as I had expected. "Wanted to know whether
I was sure of carrying the consent of the House of Commons, and what would
Haettngtox say, and how far would Chambeelain keep in step with me ? He
doesn t seem half so easy to get over as the Markiss. Once I tried a little
bullying with him. Blazed out upon him like I do upon Grand Ceoss. Seriously,
Tobj, dear boy, I thought he would have taken me up and put me out of the
window. So hastened to explain that it was only my fun; whereat he again
lapsed into the German language, which I think very effective for saying bad
words in.

Of course I tell you all this in confidence. What I want Europe, and more
particularly the Electors of South Paddington to understand is, that I'm
moving m a mysterious but most potent way—that I and Bismaeck, in secret
council, m which I take the leading part, are arranging the affairs of Europe,
and that we will make Emperors and Sovereigns generally sit up. Diseaeli
was a moderately shrewd man. He saw the advantage of taking a personal
part in the direction of foreign affairs. But then he went to Berlin in common-
place fashion, with an ordinary Cook's ticket, the time of his departure from
London and the hour of his arrival in Berlin openly stated. But my flight by
night, the total disappearance of Lord Randolph Chtjeciiill in London, and
the mysterious movements of Mr. Spencer in Berlin, form, I flatter myself,
quite a new thing.

I think as I am here I may as well make the round of
the Capitals, and settle matters generally. A little over-
awing might do Russia good. Austria is inclined to be
flighty, and as for France the government of the Republic
must be made to understand that a new Pitt has come
to the front in English politics. It's all very novel and
very exciting, and as 1 said before "such larks!" I
send you in cypher, as agreed, my address. Be careful
to post your letter yourself and see that you are not
watched. Matthews is equal to anything, and knowing
that we are likely to be in correspondence, it is quite
possible that you are under surveillance.

Ever yours faithfully,

Randolph Spencer.

ALL ABROAD.

The following specimen extract, taken from the
Travelling Conversation Booh, compiled in French,
German, Greek, and Arabic, for the use of Mr. Chambeb-
lain during his projected European tour, by the accom-
plished Ex-Detective who is accompanying him, shows
how judiciously the linguistic necessities of the distin-
guished Liberal - "Unionist have been provided for.
Subjoined is a page, headed, " Ox a Railway Joubney,"
that furnishes a good idea of the rest of the text. It
proceeds as under :—

Are you sure that Mr. Gladstone is not travelling
incognito by this train ?

Is the foreign-looking gentleman, with a fur-collar,
seated in the corner of the carriage, a bona fide passenger,
or an Irish Nationalist in disguise ?
Is my life safe in this compartment ?
Let ns ask the Ex-Detective, whom I have brought with
me, and who is seated in the next compartment, for in-
formation on the subject.

Who is that on the platform, with a gardenia in his
button-hole and an eye-glass in his eye, apeing my
manners, in a suit of my own clothes ? Can it be Ran-
dolph Churchill, playing me a practical joke ?

This stuffy second-class railway-carriage reminds me
very much of the atmosphere of the House in August.

It will, however, add to my Parliamentary experience
to study the country, as we pass along, from the window.

The land on each side of the line, to judge from the
occasional artificial divisions that meet the eye, appears
to me to be disposed of in allotments.

I have seen a great many acres, but have not yet come
across a single cow.
Ha ! here is one acre containing seventeen cows.
I think, if I point it out to him, the sight will he
pleasing to Jesse Collings.

But I must discuss the subject of Free Education with
this Station Master.

It is strange that neither of these two gendarmes has
ever heard of Local Self-Government.

Ha! here we are arrived at the end of our journey, and
this crowd is evidently waiting to receive me respectfully.

It is curious, though, that the luggage-porter appears
never to have heard of Birmingham and the Caucus.

If I take this fly, harnessed to two execrable screws,
will it not render my entry somewhat symbolical ?

Never mind ; I will make the head-waiter thoroughly
acquainted with the present position and prospects of the
Liberal-Unionist Party, and fully explain to him the
peculiar nature of my relations with it.

But here is the Ex-Detective with a bed-candle,
suggesting that perhaps I had better retire to rest.

Randolph the Eadical.

It tries your loyal Liberal's composure,
To see Lord Chtjechill going for the Closure;
But before him leal Rads must veil their brows,
Who promises six acres and two cows !

Sacred Music at the Pbomenade Concerts.—Why
not ? Why shouldn't an Oratorio become an 'Arry-torio ?
Mr. Feeeman Thomas announces that in consequence of
the success of The Messiah, he will now give Elijah.
Whatever happens, in this Oratorio there must always be
a very big Profit.__

Mes. Ram says, that lately she has been in a part of the
country, where she was awfully bitten by the Midgets.

TO COXEESFCNDENIS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Hattor, or Drawings, bo returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed .Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should bo kept by the Senders.