DOI issue:
January 14, 1888
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17659#0034
24
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 14, 1888.
OUR DEBATING CLUB.
An Evening of Incident—Duff_ wounds CoclebulVs feelings —The
Hon. Sec. proves his acquaintance ivith the Mules—the Debate
is brought to a close in an unprecedented manner.
It is just about a year ago that one of our meetings was attended,
not only by most of the regular members, bat also by an incident
of so startling and unusual a nature, that we are all of us a little
shy of alluding to it, even now.
The motion we were discussing was one which ever possesses a
strong fascination for the more speculative order of mind, being to
this effect: " That this House is strongly of opinion that the
existence of what are vulgarly known as ' Ghosts' is_ sufficiently
established by credible testimony to be accepted as a positive fact."
Cockbull, who proposed the motion, after a most eloquent and
exhaustive speech lasting over three-quarters of an hour, and freely
punctuated towards its close by the President's bell, concluded thus :
" And now, Sir, as far as was possible in the limits afforded me "—
{"ping-ping" from the bell)—"I have quoted, I think, every instance
of a supernatural appearance recorded since mankind first began to
observe these phenomena with any attention." {This was no idle
boast; the number and variety of Cockbull's cases, and the masterly
manner in which he narrated them, had reduced almost every
Gargoyle to a condition of " goose-flesh " and erected hair.) " I have
also mentioned a striking experience of a female member of my own
family." ("Ping-ping.") " I shall be very little longer, Mr. Presi-
dent. "Without having the presumption to suppose that the few and
feeble"—{"No. no .'" and another faint "ping")—■" I repeat, the few
and feeble words I have uttered to-night will nave had the effect of
proving Ghosts absolutely up to the hilt—I do venture to think that
I have succeeded, in setting Spectres up before you to-night as solid
facts, deserving of our earnest, our reverent, and philosophical
attention and support. I do presume to believe"—("ping-ping-
ping.'")—"I have just done, Sir—that the Hon. Member who is
down to follow me to-night will find it les3 easy than he imagines to
demolish, discredit, and explode a thing so rooted and intertwined
with our most cherished prejudices and traditions as what, to use the
terms of my motion, is ' vulgarly known as a Ghost.'" {Enthusiastic
applause.)
Plumley Duff, who had undertaken to oppose, got up with an
offensive assumption of bringing the discussion down to a matter-of-
fact level. Duff is a good fellow, but he doesn't seem to know
when he is utterly out of touch with the general sympathy of the
meeting.
" The Hon. Gentleman," began Duff (with the heavy humour he
employs at times), " says:he doesn't believe I shall find it easy to ex-
plode one of his ghosts." {It was so like Doff to fasten on a verbal
expression of that sort—but we never consider this fair argument).
" No more do I. Let him bring me a ghost, and then, if the thing
will oblige me by remaining long enough to give me time to strike a
light, I don't mind attempting—for the Hon. Gentleman's satisfac-
tion—to ignite the gas, of which I should expect to find it largely
composed." {A slight movement of distaste among several Gargoyles
at this ponderous flippancy.) " I don't think I risk much in making
this offer, and I '11 tell you why,—I haven't the slightest belief in any
such rubbish." {Here a sharp rap sounded from the middle of the
table, just in front o f him, and the President called " Order," with a
slight frown.) ""We've been told to-night of ghosts that moaned,
and warned, and beat drums, and threw furniture about, and other
gymnastics of the kind—but what J want to know is—what do they
do it with'( What is a ghost, after all, according to the evidence P
A gauzy, cobwebby affair, like an old veil People tell us they have
looked through them, and noticed no internal apparatus, nothing of
what you may call ' works' of any sort or description. Very well-
but you can't make even such a simple observation as ' good even-
ing '—to say nothing of uttering a long and complicated warning—
you can't so much as groan, without a complete set of vocal cords,
in fair working order. You can't beat a drum, or pitch chairs at
people's heads, without muscles. {"Rap-rap-rap.'" on the table
again.) " I must really ask Honourable Gargoyles in my immediate
neighbourhood not to play the fool.'' (Sensation, and warm disclaimers
from several Members, who, I may here state, were quite incapable of
such an action.) " If you want to go anywhere, and see anybody, you
must exercise some sort of volition, and, to exercise volition, a brain
(I don't say a powerful brain, because I never heard of any ghost
who gave any sign of even average mental power), but some brain is
indispensable. How do you get all that in a few feet of film ?
No, no, Gentlemen—it won't do. "We can't have Mr. Cockbull
coming his ghosts over us. Then he tells us a long rigmarole—I do
not use the term in an offensive sense, but it was long, and it toas a
rigmarole—he tells a long rigmarole about what an aunt of his by
marriage once saw, or believed she saw I Gentlemen, he should,
have brought her down here"—{four very Mid raps—at which even
Duff started)—" to tell us her adventure in person, and then we
should know what to think."
Here there was quite a scene ; Cockbull sprang up, quivering with
emotion.
"I appeal to you, Mr. President," he said, "whether I am to be
subjected to these unseemly taunts ! It is extremely painful to me
to explain that the reason why I am unable to bring my relative here
to-night, is, that," {here his voice broke)—" she—she is no more.
She was my great-great-aunt, and expired in the latter part of last
century."
A murmur of sympathy with him, and marked disapproval of
Duff, after which Pincbnet said: " Order, please. Mr. Plumley
Duff, I think it is not advisable to drag any member's deceased
relatives into this debate—they are scarcely relevant."
At this, Fabbell rose, with a copy of the Rules: "I am very
reluctant to challenge your ruling, my lud—I mean, Sii—but may I
draw your attention to Rule 53, sub-section (6):—" A remark is
relevant, if it refers to a statement by a previous speaker, which the
President has not at the time declared to be itself irrelevant.' I sub-
mit, Sir, with all respect, that, as you did not rule the Proposer's
Aunt out at the time, Mr. Duff was perfectly in order in referring
to her."
[Outcry, and " Shut up ! "from one much excited Gargoyle.
"Well," said Pinceney, coldly (considering Fabbell a nuisance
—which, to be candid,'he occasionally is), " Go on, Mr. Duff."
[Here a perfect shower of angry raps proceeded from the table,
actually upsetting some of the ink, and spirits-and-water;
several members drew back their chairs and looked pale and un-
comfortable.
" I—I will just say something on the question of ghosts' clothes,"
said Duff {one resounding bang lower down the table, after which
we all glanced at one another, meaningly), "but—but after that
expression of opinion, I—I will sit down. . . I should like, before I
do so, to assure the Hon. Proposer of my deep sympathy with him in
a bereavement to which, had I known it earlier, I should not have
permitted myself an allusion." {"Sear! Hear!")
After this, we sat for some time in awed silence; little Bosher
was the first man with presence of mind enough to look under
the table, but he reported that he saw nothing but the ordinary
number of members' legs. We were all proceeding to satisfy our-
selves of this personally, when we were brought up again by a fresh
phenomenon—a tremendous blow, at the door this time. Poor
Bosher, who sat with his back within a couple of feet or so from the
door, grew almost hysterical, and I am not ashamed to admit that,
none of us liked to go and open it; we knew that the outer door
was securely fastened, and that it was, humanly speaking, im-
possible for any living creature to be in the ante-chamber at that
particular moment. Hartupp suggested that Duff should go—but
Duff retorted that he was not expecting any aunt just then, so the
matter dropped, and Geyser rose a little later in evident emotion.
"Gentlemen," said Geyser, "we have had a warning to-night
against being led away by the pride of intellect. If—if there be
really among us this evening, some invisible spectator from across
the Threshold—do not let us afford it—her—the indignity and the
pain of being present while her very existence is being exposed to
ignorant and irreverent scepticism, such as" {with a reproachful
look at Duff, who was wiping his forehead) " we have heard so
recently. Do not let us tempt, by a further parade of incredulity
some manifestation, which the nerves of some of us " {with a glance
at Bosher, who was obviously much upset) " might find too great a
strain for the intellect to bear. I propose, Sir, that we proceed to a
vote at once, without further discussion.'
[Loud applause, led in a ghastly manner by the door.
Well, we did proceed to a division, with the result that fifteen
voted for the motion, and none against it. Duff declined to give a
vote one way or the other, having ascertained from the Secretary
that nothing in the Rules compelled him to support his speech by the
ballot.
Then we broke up in a subdued manner, and our awe was in-
tensified, if anything, by discovering that the door of the ante-
chamber was locked as usual, and that no one was secreted in any
part of the passage. A strange circumstance, which Bosher, for
some reason, did not seem to consider as having any direct connec-
tion with the other manifestations, was that a long, and very
handsome ebony stick of mine, with a large round apple of agate at
the top, was, to the best of my belief, certainly not in the place
where I can almost swear to have deposited it on entering! Bosher
advised me not to mention this, as, owing to my being unable to
speak quite positively on the point, critics might consider it the
weakest part of the case. It amuses me now to think how calmly
and philosophically Bosher could talk—after it icas all over. He
was anything but calm and philosophical at the time !
Are there two Baddeley Cakes ? On Twelfth Night, last Friday,
both Drury Lane and Covent Garden cut " the Baddeley Cake," and
each Baddeley Cake was welcomed by a Goodly assembly. No special
costumes were worn, and no one was Baddeley dressed.
KOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in'no case bo returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper, To this rule
thflrn will be no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[January 14, 1888.
OUR DEBATING CLUB.
An Evening of Incident—Duff_ wounds CoclebulVs feelings —The
Hon. Sec. proves his acquaintance ivith the Mules—the Debate
is brought to a close in an unprecedented manner.
It is just about a year ago that one of our meetings was attended,
not only by most of the regular members, bat also by an incident
of so startling and unusual a nature, that we are all of us a little
shy of alluding to it, even now.
The motion we were discussing was one which ever possesses a
strong fascination for the more speculative order of mind, being to
this effect: " That this House is strongly of opinion that the
existence of what are vulgarly known as ' Ghosts' is_ sufficiently
established by credible testimony to be accepted as a positive fact."
Cockbull, who proposed the motion, after a most eloquent and
exhaustive speech lasting over three-quarters of an hour, and freely
punctuated towards its close by the President's bell, concluded thus :
" And now, Sir, as far as was possible in the limits afforded me "—
{"ping-ping" from the bell)—"I have quoted, I think, every instance
of a supernatural appearance recorded since mankind first began to
observe these phenomena with any attention." {This was no idle
boast; the number and variety of Cockbull's cases, and the masterly
manner in which he narrated them, had reduced almost every
Gargoyle to a condition of " goose-flesh " and erected hair.) " I have
also mentioned a striking experience of a female member of my own
family." ("Ping-ping.") " I shall be very little longer, Mr. Presi-
dent. "Without having the presumption to suppose that the few and
feeble"—{"No. no .'" and another faint "ping")—■" I repeat, the few
and feeble words I have uttered to-night will nave had the effect of
proving Ghosts absolutely up to the hilt—I do venture to think that
I have succeeded, in setting Spectres up before you to-night as solid
facts, deserving of our earnest, our reverent, and philosophical
attention and support. I do presume to believe"—("ping-ping-
ping.'")—"I have just done, Sir—that the Hon. Member who is
down to follow me to-night will find it les3 easy than he imagines to
demolish, discredit, and explode a thing so rooted and intertwined
with our most cherished prejudices and traditions as what, to use the
terms of my motion, is ' vulgarly known as a Ghost.'" {Enthusiastic
applause.)
Plumley Duff, who had undertaken to oppose, got up with an
offensive assumption of bringing the discussion down to a matter-of-
fact level. Duff is a good fellow, but he doesn't seem to know
when he is utterly out of touch with the general sympathy of the
meeting.
" The Hon. Gentleman," began Duff (with the heavy humour he
employs at times), " says:he doesn't believe I shall find it easy to ex-
plode one of his ghosts." {It was so like Doff to fasten on a verbal
expression of that sort—but we never consider this fair argument).
" No more do I. Let him bring me a ghost, and then, if the thing
will oblige me by remaining long enough to give me time to strike a
light, I don't mind attempting—for the Hon. Gentleman's satisfac-
tion—to ignite the gas, of which I should expect to find it largely
composed." {A slight movement of distaste among several Gargoyles
at this ponderous flippancy.) " I don't think I risk much in making
this offer, and I '11 tell you why,—I haven't the slightest belief in any
such rubbish." {Here a sharp rap sounded from the middle of the
table, just in front o f him, and the President called " Order," with a
slight frown.) ""We've been told to-night of ghosts that moaned,
and warned, and beat drums, and threw furniture about, and other
gymnastics of the kind—but what J want to know is—what do they
do it with'( What is a ghost, after all, according to the evidence P
A gauzy, cobwebby affair, like an old veil People tell us they have
looked through them, and noticed no internal apparatus, nothing of
what you may call ' works' of any sort or description. Very well-
but you can't make even such a simple observation as ' good even-
ing '—to say nothing of uttering a long and complicated warning—
you can't so much as groan, without a complete set of vocal cords,
in fair working order. You can't beat a drum, or pitch chairs at
people's heads, without muscles. {"Rap-rap-rap.'" on the table
again.) " I must really ask Honourable Gargoyles in my immediate
neighbourhood not to play the fool.'' (Sensation, and warm disclaimers
from several Members, who, I may here state, were quite incapable of
such an action.) " If you want to go anywhere, and see anybody, you
must exercise some sort of volition, and, to exercise volition, a brain
(I don't say a powerful brain, because I never heard of any ghost
who gave any sign of even average mental power), but some brain is
indispensable. How do you get all that in a few feet of film ?
No, no, Gentlemen—it won't do. "We can't have Mr. Cockbull
coming his ghosts over us. Then he tells us a long rigmarole—I do
not use the term in an offensive sense, but it was long, and it toas a
rigmarole—he tells a long rigmarole about what an aunt of his by
marriage once saw, or believed she saw I Gentlemen, he should,
have brought her down here"—{four very Mid raps—at which even
Duff started)—" to tell us her adventure in person, and then we
should know what to think."
Here there was quite a scene ; Cockbull sprang up, quivering with
emotion.
"I appeal to you, Mr. President," he said, "whether I am to be
subjected to these unseemly taunts ! It is extremely painful to me
to explain that the reason why I am unable to bring my relative here
to-night, is, that," {here his voice broke)—" she—she is no more.
She was my great-great-aunt, and expired in the latter part of last
century."
A murmur of sympathy with him, and marked disapproval of
Duff, after which Pincbnet said: " Order, please. Mr. Plumley
Duff, I think it is not advisable to drag any member's deceased
relatives into this debate—they are scarcely relevant."
At this, Fabbell rose, with a copy of the Rules: "I am very
reluctant to challenge your ruling, my lud—I mean, Sii—but may I
draw your attention to Rule 53, sub-section (6):—" A remark is
relevant, if it refers to a statement by a previous speaker, which the
President has not at the time declared to be itself irrelevant.' I sub-
mit, Sir, with all respect, that, as you did not rule the Proposer's
Aunt out at the time, Mr. Duff was perfectly in order in referring
to her."
[Outcry, and " Shut up ! "from one much excited Gargoyle.
"Well," said Pinceney, coldly (considering Fabbell a nuisance
—which, to be candid,'he occasionally is), " Go on, Mr. Duff."
[Here a perfect shower of angry raps proceeded from the table,
actually upsetting some of the ink, and spirits-and-water;
several members drew back their chairs and looked pale and un-
comfortable.
" I—I will just say something on the question of ghosts' clothes,"
said Duff {one resounding bang lower down the table, after which
we all glanced at one another, meaningly), "but—but after that
expression of opinion, I—I will sit down. . . I should like, before I
do so, to assure the Hon. Proposer of my deep sympathy with him in
a bereavement to which, had I known it earlier, I should not have
permitted myself an allusion." {"Sear! Hear!")
After this, we sat for some time in awed silence; little Bosher
was the first man with presence of mind enough to look under
the table, but he reported that he saw nothing but the ordinary
number of members' legs. We were all proceeding to satisfy our-
selves of this personally, when we were brought up again by a fresh
phenomenon—a tremendous blow, at the door this time. Poor
Bosher, who sat with his back within a couple of feet or so from the
door, grew almost hysterical, and I am not ashamed to admit that,
none of us liked to go and open it; we knew that the outer door
was securely fastened, and that it was, humanly speaking, im-
possible for any living creature to be in the ante-chamber at that
particular moment. Hartupp suggested that Duff should go—but
Duff retorted that he was not expecting any aunt just then, so the
matter dropped, and Geyser rose a little later in evident emotion.
"Gentlemen," said Geyser, "we have had a warning to-night
against being led away by the pride of intellect. If—if there be
really among us this evening, some invisible spectator from across
the Threshold—do not let us afford it—her—the indignity and the
pain of being present while her very existence is being exposed to
ignorant and irreverent scepticism, such as" {with a reproachful
look at Duff, who was wiping his forehead) " we have heard so
recently. Do not let us tempt, by a further parade of incredulity
some manifestation, which the nerves of some of us " {with a glance
at Bosher, who was obviously much upset) " might find too great a
strain for the intellect to bear. I propose, Sir, that we proceed to a
vote at once, without further discussion.'
[Loud applause, led in a ghastly manner by the door.
Well, we did proceed to a division, with the result that fifteen
voted for the motion, and none against it. Duff declined to give a
vote one way or the other, having ascertained from the Secretary
that nothing in the Rules compelled him to support his speech by the
ballot.
Then we broke up in a subdued manner, and our awe was in-
tensified, if anything, by discovering that the door of the ante-
chamber was locked as usual, and that no one was secreted in any
part of the passage. A strange circumstance, which Bosher, for
some reason, did not seem to consider as having any direct connec-
tion with the other manifestations, was that a long, and very
handsome ebony stick of mine, with a large round apple of agate at
the top, was, to the best of my belief, certainly not in the place
where I can almost swear to have deposited it on entering! Bosher
advised me not to mention this, as, owing to my being unable to
speak quite positively on the point, critics might consider it the
weakest part of the case. It amuses me now to think how calmly
and philosophically Bosher could talk—after it icas all over. He
was anything but calm and philosophical at the time !
Are there two Baddeley Cakes ? On Twelfth Night, last Friday,
both Drury Lane and Covent Garden cut " the Baddeley Cake," and
each Baddeley Cake was welcomed by a Goodly assembly. No special
costumes were worn, and no one was Baddeley dressed.
KOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in'no case bo returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper, To this rule
thflrn will be no exception.