DOI Heft:
February 2, 1889
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17687#0070
60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 2, 1889.
QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONS;
Or, How We Examine Now.
To the Editor.
Sir,—I quite agree that Examiners nowadays set far too hard ques-
tions. I have been reading for five years
with a jolly, but rather expensive, Pri-
vate Tutor, and I thought, and so did
the Governor, that I was sure of passing
the matriculation exam, at a third-rate
College at Cambridge. The “ General
History Paper ” was, however, fearfully
stiff. Fancy asking a fellow to ‘ ‘ state
what he knows of JuLrus Chisar,
Wilkes, Jeremy Taylor, the Crusades,
and the Free Trade Agitation!” The
.. ,, _ consequence was that I failed to get in
Angling over the Bridge. —and my Tutor (with whom I am to stay
one more year) says the Examiners ought to be ashamed of them-
selves. At all events, I am ashamed of the Examiners.
Yours pluckedly, A. Plowman.
Sir,—As one "who has been for some years a Government
Examiner in Elementary Schools, I feel bound to defend myself and
my class from the aspersions recently cast upon us.
Row can we expect that the general average of intelligence can
ever be raised unless questions of reasonable difficulty are set at
examinations ? Following this principle, I habitually put to little
boys and girls aged about twelve years, wrho are just entering on
Vulgar Fractions, questions which could only be adequately answered
after several years’ practice in Logarithms.
I am also rather fond of putting this problem :—“If one man and
a boy can reap a field of corn in five days, seven and a half hours,
and twenty minutes, how long would two men take to reap the same
field ? ” You will see that it is a catch, and that there is no answer
ossible; but I have seen children puzzling over the sum for an
our at a time ; and, indeed, it was so successful on one occasion in
testing mental capacity, that a little girl had brain fever directly
after the examination, and a boy became a hopeless imbecile, solely
owing to inability to solve the problem. I hear that even now (in
his asylum) he babbles of fields of corn.
Yours, complacently, P. E. Dant.
Sir,—The following question was one of the easiest set to my poor
boy in the recent examination for entrance into the Home Civil
Service:—
“ Supposing that you had a donkey that declined to exert itself in
a progressive direction, and you had determined to expedite its
movements by walloping it; given the strength of the donkey as
55'604 lb. Avoirdupois, the thickness of the stick as lb., and your
own muscular development as ordinary—find the exact amount of
time, expressed in fractions of moments, which would be required
before the animal’s speed could be developed into half that of a
Derby winner.”
I have sent the question to two Wranglers I know. One has
replied evasively; the other, I hear, has written to a mutual friend
to inquire after my mental condition. Comment is needless.
Yours indignantly, Peter Famili-ass.
REVOLVERS AND ROBBERS.
Householder (to Dogberry on the Dench). Your Worship, an I
wake up in the night and find in my bedroom a burglar who presents
a revolver at my head and de- ^ /n
mands my money or my life, does /:> UsAVAjA SO ' • - VU?
the law allow me to fire at him ? 1 ‘ v ^ :"
Dogberry. Yea, marry, Sir, if
it be se defendendo, not else.
The law allows you to defend
yourself; but you had better
wait until you be first attacked.
Consider well whether you be like
to be or no, and think it out.
Householder. But suppose the
knave shoots me in the mean-
while ?
Dogberry. Well, then, but per- chorus. “ Hark ! ’Tis the Burglar ! ”
adventure he may miss you, and
you may thank your stars. And if he kill you, why, then there will
be an end of you, and he shall never more be able to rob you again.
Householder. Ay, but what if I give him no chance of killing me,
and incontinently take the first shot ?
Dogberry. You may. But if you will take my advice, I would
warn you that you had better not, lest you kill him, and a Crowner’s
quest return a ’verdict of murder or manslaughter. Whereof you
are like enough to be convinced at the ’sizes, and cast for penal
servitude, if you ’scape hanging.
Householder. Call you that justice ?
Dogberry. Truly, Heaven forefend I should call in question the
law of the land. It is, and ever was, the perfection of human
reason. Mark you, the Law allows your burglar to carry a revolver
as well as yourself. He can use it at his peril if he list, and so may
you. It were wiser, perhaps, to provide him with whipping-cheer
for carrying a deadly weapon. You can use it with a rope about
your neck, as well as he. But for all that, Oh, that Bumble were
here to write the Law down an Ass !
Householder. I thank your Worship heartily for your sage counsel
and humbly take my leave. [Curtain.
THE DIARY OF A NOBODY.
December 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up,
and on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely.
I dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not
only sent me the insulting Christmas card, but
admitted that he was the one who punched my
head last night in the dark. As fate would
have it, Lupin at breakfast, was reading extracts
from a letter he had just received from Frank.
I asked him to pass the envelope that I might
compare the writing. He did so, and I examined
it by the side of the envelope containing the
Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the
writing in spite of the attempted disguise. I
passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh.
I asked her what she was laughing at, and she
3aid the card was never directed to me at all. It
was “L. Pooter,” not “ C. Pooter.” Lupin
asked to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a
laugh, “ Oh, yes, Guv.; it’s meant for me.” I said, “ Are you in the
habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards ? ” He replied, “ Oh, yes,
and of sending them, too.” In the evening Gowing called, and said he
enjoyed himself very much last night. I took the opportunity to
confide in him as an old friend about the vicious punch last night.
He burst out laughing, and said, “Oh, it was your head was it f I
know I accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick
wall.” I told him I felt hurt in both senses of the expression.
December 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent_ the whole day with the
Mutlars. He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said,
“I’m glad to see you so happy, Lupin.” He answered, “Weil,
Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her . old.fool of a
father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, his
stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the
gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-
sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap
on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace,
and his general ‘outside halfpenny bus’-iness, I was compelled to let
him have a bit of my mind.” I said, “Lupin, you are not much
more than a boy—I hope you won’t repent it.”
December 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received an extra-
ordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, Senior. He writes, “ Dear Sir,—-
For a long time past, I have had considerable difficulty in deciding
the important question, ‘ Who is the master of my own house ? ’
Myself—or your son Lupin ? Believe me, I have no prejudice one
way or the other, but I have been most reluctantly compelled to give
judgment to the effect that I am the master of it. Under the
circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my
house again. I am sorry—because it deprives me of the society of
one of the most modest, unassuming and gentlemanly persons I have
ever had the honour of being acquainted with.” _ I did not desire the
last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing to either Carrie
or Lupin about the letter.
A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but
promised to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have
always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned,
and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the
spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whiskey, I opened a fresh bottle,
but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. As I knew it to be whiskey,
I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that
Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me
to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I
could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary
argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly, saw it was
a quarter past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we
missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter
past two, having got lost in the fog—so he said.
Links that are no Sort of Use in any Fog.—Shirt-links.
3^ E0TICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case b.e returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.
QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONS;
Or, How We Examine Now.
To the Editor.
Sir,—I quite agree that Examiners nowadays set far too hard ques-
tions. I have been reading for five years
with a jolly, but rather expensive, Pri-
vate Tutor, and I thought, and so did
the Governor, that I was sure of passing
the matriculation exam, at a third-rate
College at Cambridge. The “ General
History Paper ” was, however, fearfully
stiff. Fancy asking a fellow to ‘ ‘ state
what he knows of JuLrus Chisar,
Wilkes, Jeremy Taylor, the Crusades,
and the Free Trade Agitation!” The
.. ,, _ consequence was that I failed to get in
Angling over the Bridge. —and my Tutor (with whom I am to stay
one more year) says the Examiners ought to be ashamed of them-
selves. At all events, I am ashamed of the Examiners.
Yours pluckedly, A. Plowman.
Sir,—As one "who has been for some years a Government
Examiner in Elementary Schools, I feel bound to defend myself and
my class from the aspersions recently cast upon us.
Row can we expect that the general average of intelligence can
ever be raised unless questions of reasonable difficulty are set at
examinations ? Following this principle, I habitually put to little
boys and girls aged about twelve years, wrho are just entering on
Vulgar Fractions, questions which could only be adequately answered
after several years’ practice in Logarithms.
I am also rather fond of putting this problem :—“If one man and
a boy can reap a field of corn in five days, seven and a half hours,
and twenty minutes, how long would two men take to reap the same
field ? ” You will see that it is a catch, and that there is no answer
ossible; but I have seen children puzzling over the sum for an
our at a time ; and, indeed, it was so successful on one occasion in
testing mental capacity, that a little girl had brain fever directly
after the examination, and a boy became a hopeless imbecile, solely
owing to inability to solve the problem. I hear that even now (in
his asylum) he babbles of fields of corn.
Yours, complacently, P. E. Dant.
Sir,—The following question was one of the easiest set to my poor
boy in the recent examination for entrance into the Home Civil
Service:—
“ Supposing that you had a donkey that declined to exert itself in
a progressive direction, and you had determined to expedite its
movements by walloping it; given the strength of the donkey as
55'604 lb. Avoirdupois, the thickness of the stick as lb., and your
own muscular development as ordinary—find the exact amount of
time, expressed in fractions of moments, which would be required
before the animal’s speed could be developed into half that of a
Derby winner.”
I have sent the question to two Wranglers I know. One has
replied evasively; the other, I hear, has written to a mutual friend
to inquire after my mental condition. Comment is needless.
Yours indignantly, Peter Famili-ass.
REVOLVERS AND ROBBERS.
Householder (to Dogberry on the Dench). Your Worship, an I
wake up in the night and find in my bedroom a burglar who presents
a revolver at my head and de- ^ /n
mands my money or my life, does /:> UsAVAjA SO ' • - VU?
the law allow me to fire at him ? 1 ‘ v ^ :"
Dogberry. Yea, marry, Sir, if
it be se defendendo, not else.
The law allows you to defend
yourself; but you had better
wait until you be first attacked.
Consider well whether you be like
to be or no, and think it out.
Householder. But suppose the
knave shoots me in the mean-
while ?
Dogberry. Well, then, but per- chorus. “ Hark ! ’Tis the Burglar ! ”
adventure he may miss you, and
you may thank your stars. And if he kill you, why, then there will
be an end of you, and he shall never more be able to rob you again.
Householder. Ay, but what if I give him no chance of killing me,
and incontinently take the first shot ?
Dogberry. You may. But if you will take my advice, I would
warn you that you had better not, lest you kill him, and a Crowner’s
quest return a ’verdict of murder or manslaughter. Whereof you
are like enough to be convinced at the ’sizes, and cast for penal
servitude, if you ’scape hanging.
Householder. Call you that justice ?
Dogberry. Truly, Heaven forefend I should call in question the
law of the land. It is, and ever was, the perfection of human
reason. Mark you, the Law allows your burglar to carry a revolver
as well as yourself. He can use it at his peril if he list, and so may
you. It were wiser, perhaps, to provide him with whipping-cheer
for carrying a deadly weapon. You can use it with a rope about
your neck, as well as he. But for all that, Oh, that Bumble were
here to write the Law down an Ass !
Householder. I thank your Worship heartily for your sage counsel
and humbly take my leave. [Curtain.
THE DIARY OF A NOBODY.
December 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up,
and on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely.
I dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not
only sent me the insulting Christmas card, but
admitted that he was the one who punched my
head last night in the dark. As fate would
have it, Lupin at breakfast, was reading extracts
from a letter he had just received from Frank.
I asked him to pass the envelope that I might
compare the writing. He did so, and I examined
it by the side of the envelope containing the
Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the
writing in spite of the attempted disguise. I
passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh.
I asked her what she was laughing at, and she
3aid the card was never directed to me at all. It
was “L. Pooter,” not “ C. Pooter.” Lupin
asked to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a
laugh, “ Oh, yes, Guv.; it’s meant for me.” I said, “ Are you in the
habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards ? ” He replied, “ Oh, yes,
and of sending them, too.” In the evening Gowing called, and said he
enjoyed himself very much last night. I took the opportunity to
confide in him as an old friend about the vicious punch last night.
He burst out laughing, and said, “Oh, it was your head was it f I
know I accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick
wall.” I told him I felt hurt in both senses of the expression.
December 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent_ the whole day with the
Mutlars. He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said,
“I’m glad to see you so happy, Lupin.” He answered, “Weil,
Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her . old.fool of a
father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, his
stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the
gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-
sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap
on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace,
and his general ‘outside halfpenny bus’-iness, I was compelled to let
him have a bit of my mind.” I said, “Lupin, you are not much
more than a boy—I hope you won’t repent it.”
December 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received an extra-
ordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, Senior. He writes, “ Dear Sir,—-
For a long time past, I have had considerable difficulty in deciding
the important question, ‘ Who is the master of my own house ? ’
Myself—or your son Lupin ? Believe me, I have no prejudice one
way or the other, but I have been most reluctantly compelled to give
judgment to the effect that I am the master of it. Under the
circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my
house again. I am sorry—because it deprives me of the society of
one of the most modest, unassuming and gentlemanly persons I have
ever had the honour of being acquainted with.” _ I did not desire the
last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing to either Carrie
or Lupin about the letter.
A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but
promised to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have
always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned,
and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the
spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whiskey, I opened a fresh bottle,
but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. As I knew it to be whiskey,
I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that
Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me
to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I
could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary
argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly, saw it was
a quarter past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we
missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter
past two, having got lost in the fog—so he said.
Links that are no Sort of Use in any Fog.—Shirt-links.
3^ E0TICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case b.e returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.