Punch: Punch (96.1889)

Mat 25, 1889.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

245

MONOPOLY.

First Stock Exchange Man (reading newspaper). “Hullo! Police Raid on
West-end Gambling Clubs ! Ah—quite eight—there’s too much of that
sort of thing ! ”

Second S. E. M. “Yes, a deal too much. Look here. Bet you Six to
Four they get off ! ” First S. E. M. “ Done, with you ! ”

INFANT ROSCII.

Brayo, Henricus Iryingus et Augustus Druriolanus Counti-Council-
arius, homo mirabilis ! Excellent speeches you both made on behalf of the
employment of the little bread-winning children in theatres. On the boards is
the best Board-school for them. You are quite right, Gentlemen, in saying
that the objections to such employment are brought by a number of prejudiced,
narrow-minded, well-intentioned persons, who know little or nothing about the
matter, and do not take the trouble to learn the facts. Why couldn’t the Not-
at-Home Secretary have been “At-Home” on this occasion, of which he must
surely have had due notice ?

Mr. Punch sincerely congratulates Messrs. Iryingus and Druriolanus, and
their Associates, on this first step in a just cause, and looks forward to the day
when good Mrs. Fawcett and her party will start a Model Theatrical Infant-
School Company, to provide education and supervision for the future R,oscii, to
he entitled “The Fawcett and Katti Lanner Co. (Limited).” But as to urging on
Government to any unnecessary interference, Mr. Punch's advice to the excellent
lady leader of the crusade is, “ Don't Force it! "

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Mark Twain’s Scrap Booh, issued by Walker & Co., is worth more than
its price if only for Mark Twain’s recommendation of it. He invented it, he
says, to lessen the profanity of his unhappy country, as every possessor of a
scrap-book was accustomed to swear horribly, like our army in Flanders, when-
ever he or she couldn’t find the paste, or scissors, or gum. Here no gum or paste
is required, so that even “ by gum ! ” is unnecessary. It doesn’t obviate the use
of scissors, though, nor of some method of damping, with an accent on the first
syllable, as Arthur Roberts would say when he found he couldn’t fix the
scraps; and so, coupled with the publisher’s name, there is a good deal of
Walker about it. A varied volume is that by Mr. F. A. Knight, entitled By
Leafy Ways. The writer, who is a student in the school of the late Richard
Jefferies, here collects two dozen or more papers which first appeared in the
Daily News. We cannot but feel grateful to him for having rescued them and
giving them a more permanent position than they could attain in the columns of
a popular newspaper. It is cleverly illustrated by Mr. E. T. Compton.

Baron de Book Worms & Co.

MR. PUNCH’S MODEL MUSIC-HALL SONGS.

No. IV.—The Idyllic.

The following example will not be found above the
heads of an average audience, while it is constructed to
suit the capacities of almost any lady artiste.

SO SHY!

The singer should, if possible, be of mature age, and
incline to a comfortable embonpoint. As soon as the
bell has given the signal for the orchestra to attach
the prelude, she will step upon the stage with that
air of being hung on wires, which seems to come from
a consciousness of being a favourite of the public.
I’ma dynety little Dysy of the Dingle,

[Self-praise is a great recommendation—in Music-
Hall songs.

So retiring and so timid and so coy.

If you ask me why so long I have lived single,

I will tell you—’tis because I am so shoy.

[Note the skill with which the rhyme is adapted to
meet Arcadian peculiarities of pronunciation.
Spoken—Yes, I am—really, though you wouldn’t think
it to look at me, would you '? But, for all that,—

Chorus—When I’m spoken to, I wriggle,

Going off into a giggle,

And as red as any peony I blush;

Then turn paler than a lily,

For I ’m such a little silly,

That I ’m always in a flutter or a flush !
[After each chorus an elaborate step-dance, expressive
of shrinking maidenly modesty.

I’ve a cottage far away from other houses,

Which the nybours hardly ever come anoigh;

When they do, I run and hoide among the rouses,

For I cannot cure myself of being shoy.

Spoken—A great girl like me, too ! But there, it’s no
use trying, for—

Chorus—When I’m spoken to, I wriggle, &c.
Well, the other day I felt my fi.ee was crimson,

Though I stood and fixed my gyze upon the skoy,

For at the gyte was sorcy Chorley Simpson,

And the sight of him’s enough to turn me shoy.
Spoken—It’s singular, but Chorley always has that
effect on me.

Chorus—When he speaks to me, I wriggle, &c.
Then said Chorley : “ My pursuit there’s no evyding.

Now I’ve caught you, I insist on a reploy.

Do you love me ? Tell me truly, little my ding ! ”

But how is a girl to answer when she ’s shoy ?
Spoken—For even if the conversation happens to he
about nothing particular, it’s just the same to me.

Chorus—When I’m spoken to, I wriggle, &c.
There we stood among the loilac and syringas,

More sweet than any Ess. Bouquet you boy ;

[Arcadian for “ buy."

And Chorley kept on squeezing of my fingers,

And I couldn’t tell him not to, being shoy.

Spoken—For, as I told you before,—

Chorus—When I’m spoken to, I wriggle, &c.
Soon my slender wyste he ventured on embrycing,

While I only heaved a gentle little soy ;

Though a scream I would have liked to rise my vice in,

It’s so difficult'to scream when you are shoy !

Spoken—People have such different ways of listening
to proposals. As for me,—-

Chorus—When they talk of love, I wriggle, &c.
So very soon to Church we shall he gowing,

While the hells ring out a merry peal of jy.

If obedience you do not hear me vowing,

It will only be because I am so shy.

[We have brought the rhyme off legitimately at last,
it will be observed.

Spoken—Yes, and when I’m passing down the oil,
on Chorley’s arm, with everybody looking at me,—
Chorus—I am certain I shall wriggle,

And go off into a giggle,

And as red as any peony I ’ll blush.

Going through the marriage service
Will be sure to mike me nervous,

[Note the freedom of the rhyme.
And to put me in a flutter and a flush!

YOIi. XCVJ,

Y