Punch (99.1890)

July 5, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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WEEK BY WEEK.

"We understand that careful observers have rioted a considerable
amount of disturbance in the House of Commons during the past
three weeks. Various reasons have, as usual, been advanced to
account for this phenomenon, one eminent politician having gone so
far as to hint darkly at the existence of Cave-men (or Troglodytes),
who dwell in barrows.

The weather has been subject to strange variations. The mean
temperature of the isothermal lines, when reduced to fractions of an
infinitesimal value, has been found to correspond exactly to the
elevation of the nap on the hat of a certain sporting Earl. Dividing
that by the number of buttons on a costermonger's waistcoat, and
adding to the quotient the number of aspirates picked up in the Old
Kent Road on a Saturday afternoon, the result has been computed as
equal to the total amount of minutes occupied by a vendor of save-
loys in advertising his wares in the Pall Mall Clubs.

Candour is at times inconvenient. A promiment member of a
Metropolitan Vestry was informed two days ago by one of the per-
manent scavengers of the district, that he " wasn't worth the price
of a second-hand boot-lace." On inquiring the meaning of this
curious phrase, he was told that "his blooming head would be
knocked off for two-pence." We understand that the Vestryman's
vote on a question of salary is responsible for the indignation of the
scavenger, a member of a class usually noted for their somewhat
ceremonious courtesy.

1 ^0t-k ProP°se to travel this year will doubtless be glad to
learn that the HeBsian fly has been observed in unusual abundance
m w estphalia. This succulent morceau is now eaten fried, with a
sauce of devilled lentils and oil._

It appears, after all, that there is no very definite foundation for
tne report that Sir Edwabd Watxtn is said to be disappointed in
the competitive designs sent in for his Tower, because none of them
provide sleeping accommodation for 2000 people on the top storey.
Of course something must have given rise to the rumour, but it is
not easy to say exactly what. One competitor has already, however,
it appears, intimated his readiness to make the required addition, by
banging his beds over the side of the Tower on "extended poles,"
The question is, "Would Sir Watetn be able to induce his patrons
' to turn m under such conditions ? " There's the rub.

OUE BOOKING-OFFICE.

Stanley's Darkest Africa (Sampson Low) swamps all other books
just now. except, of course, the Other Stanley book, called A Light
on the Keep-it-Quite-the-Darkest Africa (Tbischlee & Co.) which
follows closely at its heels. The real Stanley _ narrative is most
interesting and exciting: it is a hook that will make everyone
"sit up"—at night to read it. The centre of attraction is in the
answer to the question, "How did I find Emin?" Which is,
" (iuite well, thank you."

My faithful " Co." reports that he has been doing his duty nobly
as a novel-reader. He has already devoured Vol. III. of the Man with
a Secret. He would attack Vols. I. and II. if he had not had (so he
says) quite enough of the Man and his Secret. Innocent Victims is
written in the temperance interest. "Co." has every sympathy
with the cause of undiluted water, but fears that this "story of
London Life and Labour " may end in drink. He found it himself
a little dry, and was not cheered by the name of the author, Hugh
Downe, which seemed to suggest he could not get up again. He is
eagerly waiting for more fiction, as " Expiation " by Octave Thanet
has scarcely satisfied his craving for the weird and the horrible. In
the meanwhile, he has found a cheerful interlude in Sanity and
Insanity, a text-book (written in a popular yet scientific strain) of
the maladies of the mind. He says, that Dr. Mebcieh, the author,
is to be congratulated on having treated a rather "jumpy" subject
in a manner that can offend no one. Co. had no idea up to now,
that "t'other was so like unto which."

All the Magazines for July are in, but the Baron has been unable to
open them, and " Co." has cut them. Baron be Book- Woems & Co.

ADVICE TO GIRL GRADUATES.

{After Charles Kingsley—at a respectful distance.)

Deess well, sweet Maid, and let who will be clever.
Dance, flirt, and sing!
Don't study all day long.
Or else you'11 find,
When other girls get married,
Vou '11 sing a different song!

Sad News fbom Eton.—"Bever" is dead. Sorrowing boys
followed the bier. The Bever-age has ceased to exist. What next ?
Will the characteristic Etonian top-hat follow the Bever ?

vol.; xax.