Punch (99.1890)

August 9, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.

Sra,—I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according
to your instructions, my bosom, glowing with patriotic ardour. If
anything besides your instructions and the general appropriateness
of the occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it
would have been found in the fact that
I formerly served my country in a
Yeomanry Regiment. I shall never for-
get the glorious occasions on which I
wore a cavalry uniform, and induced
some of my best friends to believe I had
gone to the dogs and enlisted. How-
ever, to relate my Yeomanry adventures,
which included a charge by six of us
upon a whole army, would be to Btray
from my point, which is to describe
what I saw at the Military Exhibition.
I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout,
a mere strain) and took a friend, an
amiable young man, with me to lean upon.

" There's one place I really do know,"
he had said to me, "and that's this
bally place."

I therefore felt I was safe with him.
We arrived. ¥e entered. "Take me," I said, "to the battle-
picturea, so that I may Btudy my country's glories."

"Right I "he answered, and with a promptitude that does him
immense credit, be brought me out into a huge arena in the open
air with seats all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators.
The performance in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot
all about the pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments
of our citizen soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The
Bight was one which appealed to our common humanity. My daring,
dangerous Yeomanry days rose' up again before me, and I felt that
if ever I had had to bleed for my Q,tjebn I should not have bled
untended. Even my companion, a scoffer, who had never risen
above a full privacy in the Eton Volunteers, was strangely moved.
There were, I think,_ ten detachments, each provided with a stretcher
and a bag containing simple surgical appliances. All that was
wanted to complete the realism of the picture was the boom of the
cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of musketry. In
imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your benefit,
Sir, in the following short account.

It was a sultry afternoon ; the battle had been raging for hours ;
the casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up ! " said
the Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you,
Jenkins, tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear;
Bkown, don't blow your nose, the General's looking : God bless my
soul, Thompson, you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and
re-buckle it at once." With such words as these ho cheered his
men, while to right and left the death-dealing missiles sped on
their course. "Stand at ease; 'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he
next shouted. A Corporal at this point was cut in two by a ball
from, a forty-pounder, but nobody paid any heed to him. Stiff,
solid, and in perfect line, stood the detachments waiting for the
word to succour the afflicted. At last it came. In the midst of
breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed their folded stretchers
on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them, and then with a
simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their impassive
attitude. " Very good," said the Sergeant, " very good. Thompson
you were just a shade too quick ; you must be more careful. Stand
at ease ! and at ease they all stood.

But where were the wounded ? Aha! here they come, noble, fear-
less heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.

One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about
ten yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or he
wounded, and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible
question arose. Would there he enough to go round ? I had only
counted nine of them, which was one short of the necessary comple-
ment, but at this supreme moment another grievously wounded
warrior ran lightly up and lay down opposite the tenth detachment.
We breathed again.

And now began some charming manreuvres. Each detachment
walked round its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at
attention, then dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed itself
down. All this while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and
appealing for help in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I
was, I could be restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last
everything was in order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The
detachments marched slowly forward, and deposited their stretchers
each beside a wounded man. Then began a scene of busy bandaging.
But not until the whole ten had been bound up, legs, arms, heads,
feet, fingers &c, was it permissible to lift one of them from the
cold cold ground which he had bedewed with his blood.

"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together.

Lift!" and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers.
More play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and
then the pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in
a mournful procession round the ground. But when they arrived at
the place where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all
been dead three quarters of an hour. " Dear me," said the Sergeant,
" how vexing. Robinson, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all
together. Drop 'em!" And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun
sated with, &c, &c, &c.

I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax
figures in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the
stages of pain and misery. How encouraging for Tommy Atkins,
I thought to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed
me that he had remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and
thither therefore we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if
either of us ever happened to be struck down in battle he would be
well looked after by an admirably drilled body of men.

I am, Sir, Yours as usual, Lb Petit Shows.

THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST

AT A COUNTfiT HOUSE.

Dbab Mb. Punch,

Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the
more or less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you
know that I am again visiting friends, though this time on terra
firma, and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest"
are once more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I dis-
covered, that a man with whom I had not been on speakiug terms for
years was to be my neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really
I cannot understand any one asking to their house) with the
Btrangest coloured hair, and the most unnaturally dark eyes, was
taken in by the host, and called " darling" by the hostess. After
dinner, which, by reason of the " range" being out of order, was of
a rather limited type, they all played oards. That is a form of
amusement I don't like—I can't afford it; and this, coupled with
the fact that I was not asked to sing, somewhat damped my ardour
as regards visiting strange houses.

A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
when, for a brief space, I sucoessfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and, several doors
on an upper floor were heavily banged. I
heard the servants chattering as they went
down to breakfast. Then there was silence,
and once more I composed myself to rest, when
the dreadest sound of all broke on my ear.
The baby began to cry. Then I gave it up as
hopeless, but it was with a sensation of being
more dead than alive that I crawled down to
breakfast—late, of course. One is always late
the first morning in a strange house—one oan
never find one's things. I bore with my best
professional smile the hearty chaff of my host
<(\ ' - (how I hate a hearty man the first thing in

~"*.v\.Tfc- tlie morning) and the audible remarks of the

dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several
ensuing ones. ,

I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that
she, too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a
high dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive ; the
tortures, both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads
and over clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house " only a mile
off; "or the loathing induced byapic-nic amoDg mouldering and
utterly uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed wish the equa-
nimity and patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting;
I even interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the
subject of a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those
strange aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announce-
ment one afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten
miles to attend a Primrose League Fete in the private grounds of a
local magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to
hear that on the following morning I received an urgent telegram re-
calling me to town ? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned
that by my sudden departure I should miss the fete. I knew, how-
ever, that the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the
objectionable man metaphorically threw up her hat.

As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I
almost vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even
as I write, an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She
writes that she has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I
will go and stay with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air
will do me good. Perhaps it will, I shall write at once and accept.

The Odd Gibl Odi.

vol. xciz.

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