Punch (99.1890)

September 13, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121

OUT FOR A HOLIDAY.

{By our Impartial and Not-to-be-biassed Critic.)

I had often been, told that St. Margaret's Bay, between Deal and
Dover, was lovely beyond compare. Seen from the Channel, I had
heard it described as " magnificent," and
evidence of its charms nearer at hand,
■was adduced in the fact that Mr. Alma
Tadema, R.A., had made it his head-
quarters during a portion of the recent
summer.

So I determined to visit it. I had to
take a ticket to Martin's Mill, a desolate
Bpot, containing a railway station, a rail-
way hotel, and (strange to say) a mill.
I was told by an obliging official on my
arrival, that St. Margaret's Bay was a
' mile and a half distant—'' to the village.''
And a mile and a half—a very good mile
and a half—it was! Up hill, down dale,
along the dustiest of dusty roads, bordered
by telegraph poles that suggested an
endless lane without a turning. On
climbing to the summit of each hill another long stretch of road pre-
sented itself. At length the village was reached, and I looked about
me for the sea. A cheerful young person who was flirting with a
middle-aged cyclist seemed surprised when I asked after it. " Oh,
the sea.! " she exclaimed, in a tone insinuating that the ocean was at
a decided discount in her part of the world—"oh, you will find
that a mile further on." I sighed wearily, and recommenced my
plodding stumbles.

I passed two unhappy-looking stone eagles protecting a boarding-
house, and a shed given over to the sale of lollipops and the hiring
of a pony-chaise. The cottages seemed to me to be of the boat-
turned-bottom-upwards order of architecture, and were adorned
with placards, announcing "Apartments to Let." Everything
seemed to let, except, perhaps, the church, which, however (on
second thoughts), appeared to be let alone. But if the houses
were not, in themselves, particularly inviting, their names were
pleasing enough, although, truth to tell, a trifle misleading. For
instance, there was a "Marine Lodge," which seemed a very con-
siderable distance from the ocean, and a " Swiss chalet," that but
faintly suggested the land renowned equally for mountains and
merry juveniles. I did not notice any shops, although I fancy, from
the appearance of a small barber's pole that I found in front of a
cottage, that the hair-dressing interest must have had a local repre-
sentative. For the rest, an air of hopefulness, if not precisely
cheerfulness, was given to the place by the presence of a Conva-
lescent Hospital. Leaving the village behind me, I came, footsore
and staggering, at length to the Bay. I was cruelly disappointed.
Below me was what appeared to be a small portion of RoBherville,
augmented with two bathing-machines, and a residence for the
Coast-guard. There was a hotel, (with a lawn-tennis ground), and
several placards, telling of land to let. The descent to the sea was
very steep, and, on the high road above it, painfully modern villas
were putting_ in a disfiguring appearance. On the beach was a
melancholy pic-nic party, engaged in a mild carouse. In the gloam-
ing was a light-ship, marking the end of the Groodwin Sands.

On a beautiful day no doubt St. Margaret's Bay would look quite
as lovely as Gravesend, but when it rained I question whether it
would compare favourably with Southend under similar atmospheric
circumstances. There was some shrubbery creeping up the white
hill-side that may have been considered artistic, and possibly the
great expanse of ocean (when completely free from mist) had to a
certain extent a sort of charm. As I looked towards the coast of
France I had an excellent view of a steamer, crammed with
(presumably) noisy excursionists, coming from Margate. But' when
I have said this I have nothing more to add, save that you can
get from Martin's Mill to St. Margaret's Bay by an omnibus. By
catching this conveyance you avoid a tedious walk, which puts you
out of temper for the rest of the day.
P.S.—I missed the omnibus!

Good Young " Zummerset! "

{Champion in Cricket of the Second-class Counties.)

Eight matches played, and eight matches won!
That's what none of the First-class Counties have done.
'Tis clear that Young Zummerset knows " how to do it."
Bravo, Palateet, Woods, Tyleb, Roe, Hewitt !
Go on in this fashion, and soon you '11 be reckoned
Among the First-Classers, instead of the Second.
Wet wickets this season, boys, seldom a rummer set,
But they anyhow seem to have suited Young Zummerset!

THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.

{Before Mr. Commissioner Punch.)

A Medical Officer (with martial manner, and well set up) introduced.

The Commissioner. Well, Sir—may I call you Colonel ?—what can
I do for you ?

Medical Officer (smiling). I am afraid, Sir, you may give me no
military rank, as it would be contrary
to the Regulations.

The Com. Have I not the pleasure of
addressing a soldier ?

Med. Off. Well, yes, Sir, I suppose
I may claim that title. I am an Army
Surgeon, and in that capacity have not
only to risk my life equally with my
comrades in the field, but have to
brave the additional danger insepar-
able from the fever-wards of a hospital.
As a matter of fact many of my col-
leagues have earned the V.C., and not
a few taken command when their aid
was needed. I hope you have not for-
gotten Anthony Home Wylxe and

mackinnon.

The Com. Certainly not — they are
gallant fellows. Well, I am sorry to see you here, Doctor—what can
I do for you ?

Med. Off. I would ask your good services, Sir, to get us greater
recognition in the Army. Pray understand we do not wish to be called
Captain, Major, or Colonel, merely to "peacock" before civilians,
but because, without official recognition of our true status, we are
treated as inferior beings by the youngest subaltern in any battalion
to which we may be attached.

The Com. Surely, Doctor, the title you have secured by scientific
attainments, takes precedence of all others more easily obtained ?

Med. Off. Possibly, in a College common-room, but not at a mess-
table of a depot centre. That I express the general opinion of
members of my profession is proved by the fact that it is shared by
Sir Andbew Clark, the President of the Royal College of Physicians.

The Com. Well, what would you propose ?

Med. Off. That we should be put on the same footing so far as
rank is concerned, with officers in the Commissariat and other non-
actively-combatant branches of the Army. _ We are merely fighting
the fight fought years ago by another scientific corps, the Royal
Engineers.

The Com. But surely, Doctor, the officers you have mentioned
know something of their drill ?

Med. Off. If that is the difficulty, let us make ourselves equally
proficient. The more we are in touch with the so-called combatant
officers the better.

The Com. Well, certainly, if you are good'drills (and have some
knowledge of the internal economy of a regiment, and the rudiments
of military law) I cannot see why you should not enjoy the rank to
which you aspire. I wish you every success in your application.
After all, you are masters of the situation. If your superior officers
are unreasonable—physic them !

{The Witness after returning thanks, then withdrew.

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
At a Cotjntby House.

" So glad you have a fine day for your garden-party. Was quite
anxious about the weather;" i.e., " Hoped sincerely it would rain
hard—hate garden-parties-can't think why I'm here."

"Row good of you to undertake such a long drive.'" i.e., "hoped
it would choke her off."

"So sweet of you to have brought your dear children;" i.e.,
"Greedy little pigs!—gobble up everything before the real guests
arrive."

'' Must you really go?" i.e.," About time—you 're the last but one."

"Now mind—this is Liberty Sail—I always think true hospi-
tality is, letting people do just what they like;" i.e., " Ifhe's late
for breakfast—and ie he shirks driving with Mrs. Moeson ! "

" We lunch at half-past one. But don't trouble to be punctual.
Quite a moveable feast;" i.e., "If he's unpunctual, he won't
forget it." .

"Such a lovely drive I want to take you this afternoon;" i.e.,
" Must pay that call to-day."

" Going to-morrow ? Oh, do stay—we had looked forward to
quite a week more. Can't you alter it ? " i.e., " Quite safe. Know
he's got to go."

" Such a sweet girl to have in the house.'" i.e., " Slaves for her
from morning till night."

vol, xoix.