Punch (99.1890)

August 23, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

85

NOVELTY UP TO DATE.

The originality of the plot of The English Rose (the new play at
the Adelphi) having been questioned, the following Scotch Drama is
published with a view of ascertaining if it has been done before.
Those of our readers who think they recognise either the situations

or any part of the dialogue, will kindly remember that treatment is
everything, and the imputation of plagiarism is the feeblest of all
charges. The piece is called Tehnah, and is written in Three Acts,
sufficiently concise to be given in full:—

Aci I.

The Horse Guards Parade, Elsinore, near Edinburgh.
Enter MacClaudius, MacGeeteude, Brilliant Staff, and Scotch
Guards. The Colours are trooped.
Then enter Telmah, who returns salute of Sentries.

MacClaudius. I am just glad you have joined us, Telmah.

Telmah. Really! I fancied some function was going on, [but
thought it was a parade, in honour of my father's funeral.

Mac Gertrude (with a forced laugh). Don't be so absurd! Tour
poor father—the very best of men—died months ago.

Telmah [bitterly). So long !

MacClaudius (aside). Ma gracious! He's in one of his nasty
tempers, MacGeeteude. Come away! (Aloud.) Believe me, I
shall drink your health to-night in Perrier Jouet of '74. Come !

[Exeunt with Queen and Guards.

Telmah. Oh! that this too solid flesh would melt! (Enter Ghost.)
Hallo ! "Who are you ?

Ghost (impressively). I am thy father's spirit! List, Telmah,
oh, list!

Tehnah. "Would, with pleasure, were I not already a Major in
the Army, and an Hon. Colonel in the Militia.

Ghost (severely). None of your nonsense! (More mildly.) Don't
be frivolous ! (Confidentially.) I was murdered by a serpent, who
now wears my crown.

Tehnah (in a tone of surprise). 0 my prophetic soul! Mine uncle ?

Ghost. Right you are ! Swear to avenge me !

Telmah (after an internal struggle). I swear!
[Solo for the big drum. He-enter troops, spectral effect, and
tableau.

Aci II. — Interior of the Palace of Elsinore, near Edinburgh,
arranged for Private Theatricals. MacClaudius, MacGee-
teude and Court seated, with Telmah acting as Prompter.

MacClaudius (aside to MacPolonius). Lord Chamberlain, have
you heard the argument ? Is there no offence in't ?

MacPolonius. Well, Sire, as I understand it is not intended for
public representation, I have not done more than glance at it, I am
told it is very clever, and called " The Mouse-trap."

Mac Gertrude. Rather an idiotic title! (Contemptuously.) "The
Mouse-trap ! "

[Business. A King on the mimic stage goes to sleep, and a
shrouded figure pours poison into his ear, MacClaudius
rises abruptly.

Telmah (excitedly). He poisons him for his estate. His name's
MacGonzago. The story is extant, and writ in choice Italian. You
shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of MacGonzago's
wife!

MacClaudius (angrily to MacPolonius). Chamberlain, we part this
day month ! Ma gracious ! [Exit, followed by Queen and Court.

Telmah (exultantly). Now could I drink hot blood, and do such
bitter business as the day would quake to look on!

vol. xcrs.

Ghost (entering abruptly). Well, do it! What's the good of all
this play-acting r Cut the ranting, and come to the slaughtering !
(Seizes Telmah by the arm.) If you are an avenger, behave as such!
[Telmah greatly alarmed, sinks on his knees before Ghost, and
the Curtain falls on the tableau.
Aci ITI. — The Military Tournament at the Agricultural Hall,
Elsinore, near Edinburgh, Telmah, and MacLaeetes, dis-
covered fencing.

Captain MacOsric, P..A. (Superintendent of the Circus). A hit,
a palpable hit! (Telmah and MacLaeetes engage a second time,
and MacLaeetes wounds his opponent.) One to white! (Points out
MacLaertes with a small flag. Another round, when Telmah
wounds MacLaeetes.) One to black!

[Touches Telmah with his flag.

MacClaudius (pouring out a glass of cheap champagne). Here,
Telmah, you are heated, have a drink!

Telmah. I '11 play this bout first. Set it by awhile. (Aside to
Mac-Hoeatio, who smiles.) I know his cellar!

MacGertrude. I will take it for you, dear! (Impatiently.) Give
me the cup? (Seizes it.) The Queen carouses to thy fortunes,
Telmah! [Drinks eagerly and with gusto.

MacClaudius (aside). The poisoned cup at eighteen shillings the
dozen ! It is too late! Ma gracious ! [Queen dies in agonies.

MacLaertes. Telmah, I am slain, and so are you—the foils are
tipped with poison! (Speaking with difficulty.) Prod the old 'un!

[Dies.

Telmah. The point envenomed, too! Then venom do thy work!

[Stabs King and dies.

Ghost (entering in blue fire, triumphantly to MacClaudius).
Now, you '11 remember me ! _ [MacClaudics dies.

[Soft music. Scene sinks, discovering magnificent funeral cere-
mony at the Abbey, Elsinore, near Edinburgh. A solemn
dirge (specially composed for this new and original piece) is
sung. Slow Curtain.

PEOS AND CONS OP POEEIGN TEAVEL.

(By a Hesitating Trippist.)

Antwerp.—Lots of Rubens, but the Harwich route is objection-
able in " dusty " weather.

Boulogne.—Great attraction this year—Ex-Queen of Naples
installed—but the port, at low tide,
requires all the perfumes of Araby,
and more.

Cologne. — Cathedral finished, but
local scent is accurately expressed by
"Oh!"

Dieppe.—Casino cheery, but the pas-
sage from Newhaven to French coast
at times too terrible for words.

Etretat.—Amusing society, but the
sanitary arrangements are rather ftes— s^T^^^sg
shady.

Florence.—The Capital of Art, but at its worst in the dog days.

Geneva.—Within reach of Mont Blanc, but hotels indifferent, even
when under "Royal Patronage."

Heidelberg.—Magnificent view from the Castle, but too many
Cooks spoil the prospect.

lnterlaken.—Jungfrau splendid, but not free from 'Aeeles and
'Aeeietts.

Jerusalem.—Interesting associations, but travelling on mule-back
is a trial to born pedestrians.

Kissingen.—Out of the beaten track, but query rather too much so.

Lucerne.—Lovely; but comfort takes a back seat if the Schweitzer-
hofl is full.

Madrid.—Plenty of pictures, but cholera in the neighbourhood.
Naples.—Famous Bay never off, but scarcely the place to face an
epidemic.

Ouchy.—Beau Rivage beyond all praise, but environs uninteresting.
Paris.—Always pleasant— save in August.

Quebec—Possibly attractive to the wildly adventurous, but
scarcely worthy of a jaunt across the Atlantic.

Rome.—The City of the Popes and the Csesars, but not to be
thought of before the early winter.

St. Malo.—Quaint old Breton port, but journey from Southamp-
ton frequently dangerous, and always disagreeable.

Turin.—Typical Italian town; but why go here when other places
are equally accessible ?

Utrecht— Suggestiveof cheap velvet, but suggestive of nothing else.

Vevey.—Pleasantly situated, but triste to the last degree.

Wiesbaden.—Kept its popularity, in spite of its loss of roulette and
trente et quarante ; but_ Baden-Baden is preferable.

X les Bains.—Beautiful scenery, but population chiefly invalids.

Zurich.—Might do worse than go there; but, on the other hand,
why not stay at home ?