Punch (99.1890)

November 15, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

229

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

No. VI—THRUMS ON THE AULD STRING.

(By J. Muik Kirrie, Author of " A Door on Thumbs," " Eight Bald
Fiddlers," " When a Man Sees Double," " My Gentleman Meer-
schaum," <£-c.

[With this story came a glossary of Scotch expressions. "We have referred
to it as we went along, and found everything quite intelligible. As, how-
ever, we have no room to publish the glossary, we can only appeal to the
indulgence of our readers. The story itself was written in a verv clear,
legible hand, and was enclosed in a wrapper labelled, " Arcadia Mixture.
Strength and Aroma combined. Sold in Six-shilling cases. Special terms
for Southrons. Liberal allowance for returned empties."]

Chapter. I.

We were all sitting on the pig-sty at T'nowhead's Farm. A pig-
sty is not, perhaps, a strictly eligible seat, but there were special
reasons, of which you shall hear something later, for sitting on this
particular pig-sty.

The old sow was within, extended at full length. Occasionally
she grunted approval of what was said, but, beyond that, she
seemed to show but a faint interest in the proceedings. She had
been a witness of similar gatherings for some years, and, to tell the
truth, they had begun to bore her, but, on the whole, I am not pre-

sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end P^Pete took up
the talking.

" Hejtobt, my man," he observed, as he helped himself out of
Tammas's snuff-mull, " ye 're ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour's
a thing 'at spouts out o' its ain accord, an' there's no nae spouter in
Thrums 'at can match wi' Tammas."

He looked defiantly at Hendet, who was engaged in searching for
coppers in his north-east-by-east-trouser_ pocket. T'nowhead said
nothing, and Hookey was similarly oocupied. At last, the stranger
spoke.

"Gentlemen," he began, "may I say a word ? I may lay claim
to some experience in the matter. I travel in humour, and generally
manage to do a large business."

He looked round interrogatively. Tammas eyed him with one of
his keen glances. Then he worked his mouth round and round to
clear the course for a sarcasm.

"So you're the puir erittur," said the stone-breaker, "'at's
meanin' to be a humorist."

This was the challenge. We all knew what it meant, and fixed
our eyes on the stranger.

"Certainly," was his answer; "that is exactly my meaning. I
trust I make myself plain. I'm willing to meet any man at catch-
weights. Now here," he continued, " are some of my samples. This
story about a house-boat, for instance, has been much appreciated.
It's almost in the style of Mr. Jebome's masterpiece; or this screamer

pared to deny that her ap- about my wife's tobacco-pipe

preciation was an intelligent i-,..\i\i,y„. m,mi<m^—1 U'Mn\ 1 n \\" Uu> 5 Ii1 \\\>u u\ \ \\\ \ \—t-1 an<l the smoking mixture.

one. Behind us was the Vl ' ' W \\\\\V,( "Observe," he went on,

brae. Ah, that brae ! Do . .: , , holding the sample near to

you remember how the child , • - ' W^X\\,'\v \) Aifi^\\\m\W\V his mouth, " I can expand it

you once were eat in the n .aJU'.['\ . W[.$ '' ;i|OTMW| to any extent. Puff, puff!

brae, spinning the peerie, and \r Tv M r> I N f -t 1" ^ i iHi t\ fvlfl f „ * V'\ '■'\'^,■' ^ -. ; SKINI vm ^lll^v- \\v ^m\\\\^\% ^ Ah! it has burst. No

hunkering at I-dree I-dree Jif;MlJ^aPi^^M, , , fSk\ V l" ! \ \! aT^S^mMW matter, these accidents some-

I droppit-it? Do you ue- \n\,( llKi^ times happen to the best

member that p Do you even , .. !: s^j^^Jm^rW09Mi^^t v ,rJi^J'll,!':FfiHh V \%^f^ A \\ \Wb JK,, regulated humorists. Now,

know what I mean? Life \\T§\ ™i just look at these," he prol

is like that. When we are , iMPA1 W ' W^m^Mbl^ V WmA^W \\ duced half-a-dozen packets

children the bread is thick, i -! WMXVwWi ¥ft^WJ^iSB^Btr'i \ir^*Wm Jl)tSSfo \\\ rapidly from his bundle,

and the butter is thin; as 1 '')Wll;^M}:\\\ Itfjtgta^ "Here we have a packet of

we grow to be lads and • ftlm*^ V\t\ V \ l\«T> \ WlWW 4«dl\ W?tm <SW\\\ \ »\\ sarcasm-equal to dynamite,

lassies, the bread dwindles, SfflVrCfr' VmL \ Jm MBj3M3^vu' iMf^\\\-\\\^\ I left it on the steps of the

and the butter increases; - \,\(\ITv^f^lfff HI f ^SSt~ f% A \V l^Mfaiffi Savile Club, but it missed
but the old men and women ■ T ^SW^^IteC wMQ-iiffl '\>^^^^-,l%M SslWitti \ fire somehow. Then here are
who totter about the com- , /lfffl\\ Ifflmf iTlhSsM fc^V\^^Ca\W;V'i m\dgf,\\\ some particularly neat things
monty, how shall they munch %^ J.. M\ia^m^»^^M KM'lllE^lllf WPif .. jffrft.' - ^ iu cile<lues- 1 use them
when their teeth are gone ? iT^fsfioil^ imM myself to paper my bed-
That,'s the question. I'm vJSPISfiS room. It's simpler and
a Dominie. What! — no ^^\^C^-Jm^Ms6ijKBS ^MlKMlliM^vlK^m^^^^W^\K^ - easier than cashing them,
answer? Go to the bottom i CT"*^g||l^ an<^ besides," adjusting his
of the class, all of you. - fW-U j PTumBBu \\\MJHi^^^^% \\\—? mouth to his sleeve, and
„ tt ^*\Y\fm^3^V\r(\V^^^^^^f^A^\^m^^^^ laughing, "it's quite kill-
ChaptebII. aJM^- \J "fffli W^WW\m^^^^^' ing when you come to think
As I said, we were all on ^wt^J^V^iSlfc \ -4V' ' '! '' m\ V - \ ^sSpSfR^iP^ ) of it in that way. Lastly,
the pig-sty. Oi the habitues \»jw!?*?^ ^JSp \ 1 -0 " i\CJiLrf-i\\ v.\'~- VixAa,'^' there's this banking-account
I scarcely need to speak to - . , -. . W sample, thoroughly suitable

you, since you must know '---■-' for journalists and children.

their names, even if you Tou see how it's done. I

fail to pronounce them. But there was a stranger amongst us,
a stranger who, it was said, had come from London. Yesterday
when I went ben the house I found him sitting with Jess ; to-day,
he too, was sitting with ns on the pig-sty. There were tales told
about him, that he wrote for papers in London, and stuffed his
vases and his pillows with money, but Tammas Haggaet only
shook his head at what he called "such auld fowks' yeppins," and
evidently didn't believe_ a single word. Now Tammas, you must
know, was our _humorist._ It was not without difficulty that
Tammas had attained to this position, and he was resolved to keep
it. Possibly he scented in the stranger a rival humorist whom he
would have to crush. At any rate, his greeting was not marked
with the usual genial cordiality characteristic of Scotch weavers,
and many were the anxious looks exchanged amongst us, as we
watched the preparations for the impending conflict.

Chapteb III.

Aftek Tammas had finished boring half-a-dozen holes in the old
sow with his sarcastic eye, he looked up, and addressed Hendet
Mc&t/mpha.

" Hendet," he said, " ye ken I 'm a humorist, div ye no ? "

Hendet scratched the old sow meditatively, before he answered.

"Ou ay," he said, at length. " I 'm no saying'at ye're no a
humorist. I ken fine ye 're a sarcesticist, but there's other humorists
in the world, am thinkin."

This was scarcely what Tammas had expected. Hendet was
usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward
silence which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor
Dominie, hut some of my happiest hours had been passed on the pig-

open it, you draw on it. Oh, you don't want a drawine-master, any
fellow can do it, and the point is itjaever varies. Now," he con-
cluded, aggressively, "what have you got to set against that, my
friend ? "

We all looked at Tammas. Hendet kicked the pail towards him,
and he put his foot on it. Thus we knew that Hendet had
returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be
crushed. Then Tammas began-

"Man, man, there's no nae doubt at ye lauch at havers, an' there's
mony 'at lauchs 'at your clipper-clapper, hut they're no Thrums
fowk, and they canna' lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this
matter. When we 're ta'en up wi' the makkin' o' humour, we 're
a' dependent on other fowk to tak' note o' the humour. There's no
nane o' us 'at's lauched at anything you've telt us. But they'll
lauch at me. Noo then," he roared out, " ' A pie sat on a pear-tree.' "

We all knew this song of Tammas's. A shout of laughter went
up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into
the sty a senseless mass.

" Man, man," said Hooket to Tammas, as we walked home;
" what a erittur ye are! What pit that in yaur heed ? "

" It juist took a grip o' me," replied Tammas, without moving a
muscle; "it flashed upon me 'at he'd no stand that auld song.
That's where the humour o' it comes in."

" Ou, ay," added Hendet, " Thrums is the place for rale humour."

On the whole, I agree with him.

Suggestive.—My Musical Experiences, by Betiina Walkeb,
will probably be followed by My Eye, by Betiina Maetin.