Punch (99.1890)

Octobbb 18, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181

HOW IT'S DONE.

A Handbook to Honesty.
No. II.—The Straight "Tip."

Scene—Sanctum of " Large Wholesale House." Present, one of
the Principals, a pompous personage, with imposing watch-chain,
and abundant space for it to meander over, and a sleekly sub-
servient "Head of Department." Principal looks irritated,
Head of Department apprehensive, the former angrily shuffling
some papers, the_ latter nervously "washing his hands with
invisible soap, in imperceptible water,"
Principal, "Well, Mr.—er—er—Scroop, we—er— my partners and
self, are not quite satisfied with the way in which things are going
in—er—in your department.

Headof Department. Indeed, Sir. Sorry to hear that, Sir. May
I ask, Sir, in—er—in what particular I have—er—failed to give com-
plete satisfac-
tion. (Aside.)
On the screw
again, the old
skinflint — I
know him.

Principal.
"Well, in point
of fact, the
profits on your
branch have
lately been
very — have
seemed—er—
have been by
no means—
what we could
wish, Mr.
Scroop, what
we could wish,
Sir.

H. of D.
Really, Sir, I

—ah, am grieved to hear it, for, upon my word, I hardly know-

Principal (abruptly). There must be cutting down somewhere—I
say somewhere, Mr. Scroop—where, I must leave to you. By the
way, it seems to me that Pttddicombe's prices are a bit high for a
beginner in the trade as he is. I think his ," lines " ought to run a
little lower—eh ?

H. of D. "Well, Sir, I've suggested it to him myself, but he pro-
tested there was hardly a margin left. However, since you name it,
Sir, I'11 see what I can do with him. (Aside.) Ruthless old grinder,
that's his game, is it ? "Wants a few '' extra " pounds to play with,
and means squeezing them out of Puddicombe. Poor Puddicombe,
I've already put the screw on him pretty tightly. However, I must
give it another turn, I suppose.

Scene II.—Head of Department and Puddicombe, a hard-working,
struggling manufacturer, who has schemed and screwed for
years to keep in ivith the Big House.
Puddicombe. Upon my word, Mr. Scroop, I can't—I really can't,

knock off another quarter per cent. It's a tight fight already, and I

can't do it.

H. of D. (airily). All right, Puddicombe my boy,—as you please.

Plenty who will, you know.

Puddicombe. Really, Mr. Scroop, I don't see how they can-

H. of D. (rudely). That's their business. I only know they will,

and jump at it.

Puddicombe (hesitatingly). But—er—I thought, when I made that
little arrangement with you, a year ago, about the trifling bonus to
you, you know, I thought you as good as promised-

H. of D. (severely). Mr. Puddicombe, you surprise me. I am
here, Sir, to do the best I can for the Firm—and / shall do it. If
somebody else's prices are better than yours, somebody else gets the
line, that's all. Good day, Mr. Puddicombe. (Aside.) Confound
his impudence!—he shan't have another order if I can help it!
Trifling bonus, indeed! One thing, he daren't split—so J'm Bate.
[Exit Puddicombe, despondently. Enter, presently, a hopeful-
looking person, with a sample-bag.

H. ofD. (cheerily). Ah, Mr. Pincher, how do—how do? Haven't
seen you for an age.

Mr. Pincher. Good day, Mr. Scroop. I heard you wanted to see
me, and, as I've a very cheap line in your way, I thought, as I was
passing, I'd venture to look in.

S. of D. Quite right, Pincher. "What's the figure, my hoy ?

Pincher (slily). A shade lower than the lowest you've been giving.
Is that good enough ?

K. of D. "Well—ahem!—yes—of course, if the quality is right.

Pincher. 0. K., I assure you, Sir!

H. of D. "Well, we 're quoted as low as forty-five. If you can
beat that, I think I can place the order with you.

Pincher (aside). Liar! Even poor Puddicombe wouldn't go under
fifty. However, here goes ! (Aloud.) Will five off meet your views ?

ft. of D. Say seven and a half, and I'm on.

Pincher. Done with you, Sir. (Aside.) "With what he '11 want
for himself, there's " nothing in it! "—this time.

H. of D. "Well—subject, of course, to our Principal's approval,
I think I may say the line is yours, Pincher. (Aside.) Don't know
how the doose he does it! Well, that's none o' my business. Won't
old Skinflint be pleased ? Must try and spring him for a holiday,
on the strength of it.

Pincher. Thanks—many thanks. (Books it.) Hope we shall do
more business together,—to our mutual advantage. By the way,
Mr. Scroop—(in a low voice)—if there is any little thing I can put in
your way, you know, I, er—er!-

H. of D. Oh, don't mention it, Pincher. Give me a look up on
Tuesday evening, at home. You know my little place at Peckham.
My good lady '11 give you a little music.

Pincher. Ah, 1 've a good deal of influence in that line. Now, if
there's anything Mrs. Scroop might fancy—I know "perks" are
not in your line, but the ladies, my boy, the ladies!

H. of D. (laughing). You will have your joke, Pincher. Well,
oddly enough, the Missis was only saying last night she wanted a
new piano—one of Bkoadwood's grands, for choice—and if you-

Pincher (mysteriously). Leave it to me, my dear Sir,"leave it
to me. If Mrs. Scroop isn't satisfied by this day week, why—never
give me another line. Ha! ha! Good day, Mr. Scroop !

_ [Exit, chuckling,

ROBERT'S RETURN TO THE CITY.

I've bin jolly cumferal lately at the Grand Hotel, as ewerybody
in fac seems to be, for they cums in a smilin with hope, and gos
away smilmwith satisfacshun, and with the thorow conwicshun of
soom cumming again, and sum on 'em says to me, says they,
"Oh rewor! Mr. Robert!" and others
says, "Oh Plezzeer! Mr. Robert!" which
both means, as my yung French frend tells
me, "Here's to our nex merry meeting!"
but that sounds more like a parting Toast
with a bumper of good old Port to drink it
in, but I dezzay as he's right. But larst
week I receeves a most prumptery order -y
from the Lord Mare, "to cum back to the
City, if it were ony for a week." So in
coarse back I cums, and a grand sort of a »
week we has all had on it! I shall fust n
begin with a resdar staggerer of a dinner at £
the Manshun House on Munday, given, as
I was told, to all the Horthers and Hartists
of Urope, who had jest bin a holding of a Meeting to let ewerybody
kno as how as they ment for to have their rites in their hone ritings
and pieters, or they woodn't rite no more, nor paint no more!

My prefound estonishment may be more heasily described than
conseeved when I says as they was amost all Forreners of warious
countries! so that when I handed anythink werry speshal to sum
on 'em they would shake their heds and say, "No mercy!" or
" Nine darnker!" as the case mite be.

Well, so much for Monday. On Toosday I spent nearly the hole
day at Gildhall in surveyin, and criticisin, hay, and in one case,
acshally tasting the wundrus colleeshun of all kinds and condishuns
of Frute that the hole Country can perduce, that had been colleckted
there ! I wunders how many of the tens of thousands who came to
Gildhall to see the temting sight, can say the same. But ewery
wise perducer of heatables or drinkables alius tries to captiwate the
good opinyon of a Hed Waiter. The hidear jest ocurs to my mind
to ask at about what part of the next Sentry the County Counsil
will be a dewoting of their time and money to a similar usefool
purpuss! And hecco answers, Wen! The uniwersal werdick of
heverybody as was there agreed in saying, that nothink like it in
buty, and wariety, and size, wasn't never seen nowheres before.
And then came the werry natural enquiry, what on airth's a going
to be done with it all ? And then came the equally nateral answer,
" The Fruiterers' Company is a going to send all the werry best of
it to the Lord Mare ? " And then, " Hey, Presto ! " as the eunjurer
says, and on Wensday evening there it was on the table at another
Grand Bankwet at the Manshun House, and quite a number of
the Fruiterers' Company a sitting a smiling at the Lord Mare's
horspitable table, and the werry head on 'em all, Sir James White-
head, giving the distingwished compny sitch a delightful acount
of what they had bin and gone and done, and was a going to do, as
made ewerybody rejoice to think that we had such a nobel Company
as the Fruiterers' Company, and such a prince of Masters to govern
'em. And I feels bound in honor to say, that the black grapes was
about the werry finest as ewer I ewer tasted. Robert.

VOL, XOER,