Punch (99.1890)

July 5, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

3

THE KKETJTZEB, SONATA.

One Pozdnisheff by name
Played the matrimonial game ;
Pleased by a little curl,
"Which round his heart did twirl,
And taken by a jersey
(Exported from the Mersey);
He felt, poor man, half-witted
When he saw how well it fitted!

The mother, with her jersey-clad young daughter,
Asked the lover to a party on the water.

Soft things he now could say

To the maiden all the way,
Till Bhe caught him—who imagined he had caught her!

Now there came a young musician, Troukachevsky,
Who, at Petersburg:, resided on the Nevsky;
And to play with him the flighty wife was fated
In the famed duet to Kbetjtzeh dedicated.

The husband who perceived things were not right,
Home suddenly returned at dead of night.

His boots he 'd taken off;

He was careful not to cough;

And his plans so well were woven,

That they still performed Beethoven.

But, neither being deaf,

They at last heard Pozdnisheff.

Poor wife! He so affrights her,

That she plays no more the Kreutzer.

If on each foot he'd had a slipper
To Troukachevsky (who was saved)
The husband would have p'rhaps behaved
Much in the style of Jack the Ripper.
He put to flight the dilettante
(Who hadn't finished half the andante),
But feared the servants' mockings
Should they see him in his stockingB,
Racing along the corridor:—
Not that he thought it horrid, or
Harsh to transfix him with a dagger,
(He could not bear the fiddler's swagger),
But felt quite sure so droll a figure
Would make his rude domestics snigger.

And now his wife cries out for mercy

(No more she wears that fetching jersey);

And all in vain she pity claims:

The dagger ruthlessly he aims,

And through the whale-bone of her corset

Tries unsuccessfully to force it.

At last he feels that he's succeeded,

A little more than p'rhaps was needed.

Ah, that by taking out the knife

He now could bring her back to life I

'Twas his habit, when he got into a pet,
Invariably to light a cigarette;
And, having killed his wife, he never spoke
One word until he'd had a quiet smoke.
When he saw that it was time, he called a p'liceman,'

I've killed my wife 1-1 did it in a fury-
But I wish the matter brought before a jury.'
And the jury, after hearing all the casp

If i0** w<^ h4* place.'
And he lately, in a Russian railway carriaee
Told Count Tolstoi all the Btory of his marriage.

^,L« 0F Asms is 8vcK."-Mr. Punch greatly
regrets that he was unable to be present at the Annual
Inspection of the Inns of Court Volunteers, when mem-
bers were requested to " show every article of equipment
ana elotMng ot which they were m possession." No doubt
the exhibition was as interesting as imposing. It
rumoured that the display of wigs and gowns (worn in
Court) and lawn-tennis blazers (used in the Temple
Gardens) was absolutely magnificent. It is further re-
ported that the large collection of go-to-meeting hats
frock-coats, and patent-leather boots extorted universal
admiration from all beholders. To his sorrow, a prior
engagement prevented Mr. A. Briefless, Junior, (who is
an Hon. Member of the Corps), from putting in an
appearance.

THE PROPOSED NATIONAL GALLERY OF BRITISH ART IN DANCES.

Mr. Henry Tate. "No, thank voir, Mr. Red Tape, I don't want my Gifts
to the Nation to be tied tip by you, then packed away, and never
seen again ! "

WHAT IT WILL COME TO;

Ok, The Court, the Chase, and the Curse.

"Mr. Montaou "Williams used some strong language yesterday in reference to
the small room in -which he was called upon to administer Justice while the Worship
Street Police Court is being renovated."—Evening Taper.

Scene—A small apartment in a Metropolitan Police Court.
Presiding Magistrate and Clerk discovered.

Presiding Magistrate. There! You and I can sit here, and the rest can
remain outside. And now I will take the night charges.

Voice from Passage {without). Please, your worship, as I was on duty last
night, this man-

Builder {putting his head in). Sorry to trouble you, Six, but we have got
something to do to the flooring. Must ask you to be off.

P. M. {restraining his indignation). Very well; the Court is adjourned
to the back garden. {Scene changes to that locality.) Come, this is better!
Fresh air, in spite of the smuts 1 And.now, Constable, go on with your

GVld 6I1CG ■

Police Constable. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, this
man- a. ,

Builder {entering). Very sorry to trouble youagain, Sir, but there's something
wrong with the drains. We think the pipes are out of order, and so we shall
have to dig them up. So, if you don't mind moving-—-

P. M. {restraining his indignation). Very well; the Court is adjourned
to the coal-cellar. {Scene changes to that locality.) Come, this is not so
bad! Very cool, if rather damp. And now, Constable, go on with your evideBC?.

Police Constable. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, this

m*Coalheaver {speaking through hole in roof). Sorry to disturb you, gents, but
as me and my mates are going to put some coals in this here cellar, I thought
it good manners to tell you all to clear out.

P. M. {restraining his indignation). The Court is adjourned to the housetop.
{Scene changes to that locality.) Come, this is not so bad ! Nice breeze up here.
A little difficult to sit upon a sloping roof, perhaps; but one gets accustomed
to everything. And now. Constable, go on with your evidence.

Police Constable. Well, your Worship, as I was on duty last night, this
man-

Sweep {entering). Sorry to disturb you, mates, but I am just agoing to

sweep the chimneys ; and-

Police Magistrate {unable to restrain his indignation any longer). Oh-! ! !

[ The Curtain hurriedly conceals the strong but natural exclamation.