Punch (99.1890)

HINTS FOR THE PARK.

Why not have Something of this Sort ? It would at least make Things less Monotonous.

TOUTING FOR TOURISTS.

To the Editok

0/ any Paper that inserts Gratuitous Advertisements.

Sir,—Kindly contradict the rumour, which I find is widely spread
and appears to be credited in some quarters, that an extensive
sewage farm has been established in front of the most fashionable
terrace in Slushborough-on-Sea, and that a Smallpox Hospital is
about to be built upon the Pier. " Salubrious Slushborough" still
continues (in spite of the machinations of jealous Northbourne) to be
tne most select popular, and healthy resort on the British coasts.

x ours disinterestedly, The Mayor of Slushborough.

S^'!-A, rePort (Proceeding, I have reason to .believe, from ill-
conditioned residents at Slushborough) is being disseminated to the
ertect, that the water-supply of Northbourne is largely tainted
with typhus and dlphtheria germs, and that an epidemic is already
ravaging this place. As a matter of fact, the only case of illness
of any land in thisi town at present is a patient brought over from
blnshborough in the last stage of blood-poisoning, owing to the
detective drainage system there, and who, in this salubrious and
invigorating atmosphere, is now rapidly recovering.

I remain, Tours &c, The Mayor of Northbourne.

Sir—In view of the correspondence with regard to the present
condition of our popular seaside resorts, it will, I feel sure, interest
your readers to learn that an examination of the air of Whitecliffe
lately made by a local analyst, reveals the fact that it contains fifty-
jive per cent, more ozone than is to be found on the top of Mont Blanc !
1 publish, this piece of intelligence purely in the interests of science,
and as 1 am writing I may perhaps take the opportunity to mention
that apartments here are both good and reasonable, and the bathing
hrst-rate. The same analyst incidentally discovered that the air at
Chorkstone is largely laden with poisonous bacteria.

Tours truly, The Mayor of Whiteclifpe.

Sib,—At this time of year, when our glorious Lees are in the full
radiance of their summer beauty, it becomes a mere act of Christian
duty to warn intending holiday-makers to avoid Whitecliffe, and to

select Chorkstone as their place of sojourn instead. An eminent
local medical man asserts that morbiferous germs exist to a very
dangerous degree in the Whitecliffe atmosphere, and that the
Whitecliffe water is rendered almost solid by the multitude of
bacilli it contains. Another Chorkstone resident, who lately visited
Whitecliffe, found the air so relaxing that he fainted away, and
had it not been for the kindness of the landlord of a certain hotel,
who had him carried out of his bar and driven off in a trap to
his own home, he believes he would have succumbed! Comment is
needless. Tours impartially, The Mayor of Chorkstone,

Sir,—There is not the slightest foundation for the ridiculous
canard as to the inhabitants of this picturesque and abnormally
fashionable town being "in a state of complete panic, owing to the
fact that all the convicts recently confined at Shorthand have broken
out, and are indulging in frightful excesses in the neighbourhood."
The convicts have not broken out; but an epidemic of gratuitous
mendacity has done so, it appears.

Tours indignantly, The Mayor of Curdsmouth.

P.S.—Have yon heard about the sanitary state of Shutmouth?
Shoeking.I

Sir,—As I hear that it is rumoured that M. Pasteur has dis-
covered an entirely new and most dangerous kind of bacillus in the
neighbourhood of pine-trees, perhaps I may mention, in order to
reassure our myriads of intending summer visitors, that the death-
rate at this town is one in ten thousand, and that we should have
had no death-rate at all last week, if the one person referred to had
not met with an unfortunate accident. All the Shutmouth dootors
are starving. Tours, The Mayor of Shutmouth.

P.S.—Ought not something to be done to check the mortality at
Curdsmouth ? It is disgraceful!

To the Right Wheel, Barrow!

Caine's action shakes the Unionists' dominion;

Against it piteous appeals seem vain;
But 'tis, in his late colleagues' pained opinion,

Not " the nice conduct of a clouded Caine !"