Punch (99.1890)

July 12, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23

ELECTEOPHONOSCOPIC CHAT.

(A little of it, picked up at the Office, a.d. 1900.)

Theee must surely be some mistake. Here, what's this ? This
old toothless hag, without her wig, is unknown to me! And why
does she address me as " Archibald " ? I was expecting to see my
beloved Abaminta.

Excuse me, but I think we have been wrongly switched on. From
your description you seem to be having the interview I was expecting
with my dear good Grandmother. While this, charming young Lady
-But perhaps you would like to see for yourself ?

A thousand thanks! It is my own Abaminta ! Pray let us change
places, and allow me to resign you your good Grandmother at once.

Ha! why does that poor Gentleman turn faint and stagger towards
the door in search of a little air ? Let us ask the Postmistress.

She Bays he has just concluded a terrible interview with his "Wife's
mother. But see, he has recovered himself and struck an attitude of
defiance. That at least, at the other end, will impress her.

See how that Stockbroker is leaping with delight! And no wonder.
He has just been electrophonoscopically attending the "Illinois
Central" half-yearly meeting at New York, and, having speculated
for the rise, finds that he has made a pot of money.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FEOM THE DIAET OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, June 30.—"Wanting to know about
Heligoland in the Lords. Rosebeby inquires especiaUy how popu-
lation like the change ?

" Oh, that's all right," said the Maekiss ; " if there's one thing
the Heligolanders have been pining for since date of their birth,
it is for union with Germany. If we'd only been generous, we
ought to have gratified their desire long ago. I don't wish to touch

on controversial matters, but I must
say if the Government, of which my
noble friend was an ornament, had,
when in office, only ceded Heligoland
to Germany, they would have deserved
well of their country, and might have
been assured of the enthusiastic sup-
port of noble Lords on this side of the
House, and of the Party of which my
nephew is a Leader in another place.
It is impossible for me, without making
your Lordships late for dinner, a crime
from which I trn st to hold my conscience
free, fully to set forth the universal
advantage that arises from this stroke
of policy. It pleases everybody, espe-
cially the Heligolanders."

Rosebebt persistent; wants to know
what means were taken to obtain the
opinion of the population, and elicit
this pamn of joy ?

"Oh!" said the Maekiss, "ob-
viously, they are documents of a con-
fidential nature."

"Confidential with the population?"
asks Geanville, in softest tones, with
bewitching smile, and most deferential
manner. For once the Maekiss has
The Exile from Erin. no retort ready. Lords sit silent for
(Just arrived in Holyhead.) moment, awaiting answer; noneforth-
„ . , coming; Loed Chancelloe, with great

presence of mind, proposes "that this House do now adjourn."
Agreed to, and Lords go forth, each seeing in his mind's eye the
Maekiss in confidential communication with the population of Heli-
goland, laboriously and conscientiously ascertaining their views,
individual and aggregate, on question of transfer.

"The Maekiss is quite right," said Ashbotjene, looking in]from
his honourable exile in Dublin; "you can't, I know, frame an
indictment against a nation. But you can certainly enter into con-
fidential communication with a population. Capital copyhead it
would make for Old Mobalitt : Confidential Communications
Corrupt Good Heligolanders."

Business done.—In the Commons, spurt to start with; four Bills
advanced a stage; then House floundered in Western Australia.

Tuesday.—" Wish you'd get yourself made a Peer, Toby," said
Denman, gloomily. " Not difficult, I understand; Bbaboubne will
tell you how it's done; unlike the Poet, a Peer is either born or
made ; Aylesbtjby, for example, was born; Bbabot/bne was made.
As you weren't born, you must be made. Baron Bouveeie-Steeet
would look very well in the Peerage. _ You've only to ask (Bba-
boubne knows) ; keep on asking, and in meantime make yourself
disagreeable in the Commons, and the thing is done."

Very much obliged to Denman ; quite kind of him to take this
interest in me; but why so anxious on the point ?

" I '11 tell you frankly, Toby. I want to create a Party here, and
you'd do admirably to begin with. A Statesman, however capable,
no use without a Party. You know that very well in the Commons.
Everybody there has a Party. I am all by myself here, and the
Maekiss and the rest put upon me. Now if I had a Party-"

" Hans Bbeitmann had one, you know," I say, liking to humour
Denman, who is evidently in low spirits.

"Had he? Where did he sit for ? Never heard of him; however,
as I was saying, if I had a Party I should make the Maekiss sit up."

In the meantime, I gather they have been making Denman sit
down. Debate on about Sheriff's Assizes Expenses Bill. Denman
had something useful to say. Approached table ; Eshee got up at
same moment. Peers impatiently called for Eshee; Denman
ignored petty insult; commenced his speech ; sentences drowned in
hubbub ; Eshee resumed seat; Maekiss approached table ; Den-
man drew himself up to full height, and glared on Maekiss.
Knew of old his jealousy of him; stops at
no means of gratifying it; now moves,
" That Lord Eshee be heard." Loed
Chancelloe, that minion of the majority,
promptly puts question, and declares it
carried. For a moment Denman stands
irresolutely at table, looking round. Sup-
pose he were to lightly skip on to table,
and, standing there, defy them all ? Sup-
pose he were to lower his head, and run
a-butt at the stomach of the Loed Chan-
celloe? What delight to topple him
over—to see his heels rise in the air, and
disappear with rest of his body at other
side of Woolsack! Denman laughed to
think he should see such fun. Content for
the present with contemplation of it, and
so resumed seat. " But I '11 form a
Party," said he; "have my own Whips,
and shake this effete Government to its
foundation."

Business done.—In Commons: a dull
night, lighted up by luminous speech from
Rath bone on Government of Western
Australia.

Wednesday.-nonse hard at work all A Hot ,Un f ^ cit
afternoon on Directors' Liability Bill. J
Washington in charge of measure; intends to make it warm for
Guinea-pigs. Ropee Lethbeidge, Dixon Habtland, James Mac-
lean, and ICimbee, Q..C, protest at length. Robeet Fowlee, Bart.,
breaks into lava flood of burning eloquence. If the Bill is carried,
what is to become of the City ?

"You may," he moans, " write on the front of the Bill, ' Delen-
dum est Londinium,' um? um ? " He, for one, will have no re-
sponsibility in the matter; and so, tucking his hands under his
coat-tails, he strides forth, to vote against Third Reading of Bill.
All in vain ; Third Reading carried by 221 votes against 50.

Scene in the House or Commons, Fkiday Evening, Jdly 4.
Oh, what a surprise! One lovely Black Eod interrupts the G. 0. M. speaking,
—and meets with a warm reception.

Monday, July 7.—Opposition in high feather to-night. Duncan
fresh from great triumph at Barrow, come to take his seat. Liberals