Punch (99.1890)

26

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 19, 1830.

LAT. 60° 8' N. LONG. 4° 30' E.

Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway.

"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"

The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to he'walfzing round him,
and his legs acted independently of each other. One of those legs tried to walk to the
right, /whilst the other moved to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double
reflection ! He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless whiskers. This
made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But only for a while! Soon he became
utterly depressed. Then his head ached—horribly ! He tried to sleep—he could not!
" Never too late—to Meudal ! " he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of a
Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.

Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour increased, and
he had ecarcely the energy or power to observe that his complexion (in patches) was ruddier
than the cherry.

"Alas! " he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent dyspepsia!

And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition ? Sad to
say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had taken a drop too
much—of Coffee!

CATCHING;

Or, How Far Will it Go?

'Being a Forecast oj the spread of the Strike
Fever, from a Next Week's Diary.)

Wednesday.—All the Police, having now
been replaced by Amateur Special Constables,
who are as yet unfamiliar with their duties,
the position of the Metropolitan Magistrates
becomes impossible, and they resign in a body
at five minutes' notioe, causing the greatest
consternation in signalling their resignation
by sending every case on the charge-sheet
that morning for trial to a superior Court.

Thursday.—The Judges, overwhelmed by
the prospeot of an unusual and quite impos-
sible amount of extra work, demand the
inorease of their salaries to £10,000 per
annum. On this being categorically refused
by the Treasury, they then and there, on
their respective Benches, severally tear off
their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts
"for good," with threatening gestures.

Friday.— The Loed Chancellor, on being
informed of the conduct of the Judges, rips
open the "Woolsack, scattering its contents
over the floor of the House of Lords, and, de-
nouncing the Government, throws up his
post on the spot. The legal business of the
country, coming thus to a deadlock, is in-
volved in further chaos by a sudden strike of
all the Members of both the Senior and Junior
Bars, which is further complicated by another
of every Solicitor in the three kingdoms.

Saturday.—Gatling guns being posted in
the Entrance Hall, and Bow Street having
been cleared by a preliminary discharge of
artillery, the programme of the Royal Italian
Opera for the evening is carried out, as
advertised, at Covent Garden. Ladies wear-
ing their diamonds, are conveyed to the
theatre in Police Yans, surrounded by detaoh-
ments of the Household Cavalry, and gentle-
men's evening dress is supplemented by a
six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased um-
brella, a head protector, and a double-edged
cut-and-thrii8ting broad-sword.

Sunday.— The Church having caught the
prevailing fever, the entire body of the
Clergy, headed by the Bishops, come out on
strike, with the result that no morning, after-
noon, or evening services are held anywhere.
The Medical Profession takes up the idea,
and, discovering a grievance, the Royal
College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All
the hospitals turn out their patients, and
medical men universally drop all their cases.
An M D. who is known, upon urgent pressure,
to have made an official visit, is chased up
and down Harley Street by a mob of his
infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally
nearly lynched on a lamp-post in Cavendish
Square. The day closes in with a serious
riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of
the conflicting elements of Society, who have
all marched there with their bands and
banners to air their respective grievances.

Monday. — The London County Council,
School Board, Common Council, Court of
Aldermen, and the Royal Academicians after
discovering, respectively, some trifling sources
of dissatisfaction, wreck their several esta-
blishments, and finally march along the
Thames Embankment towards Westminster,
singing, alternately, the " Marseillaise" and
"Ask a Pleece-man."

Tuesday.—The House of Commons, after
tossing the Speaker in his own gown, declare
the Constitution extinct, and, abolishing the
House of Lords and giving all the Foreign
Ambassadors twelve hours notice to quit the
country, announce their own dissolution, and
immediately commence their Autumn Holi-
day,