Punch (99.1890)

Jllv 26, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

47

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED EEOM THE DIAEY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, July 14. — Government again
narrowly escaped defeat. Last time it was Ascot; this time Marl-
borough House Garden Party. " This Session," says T. Harring-
js, ton, "I've taken to subscribing to

JP®*1^ The Morning Post; study its fashion-

Jt;^ ^ j able news; look out for arrangements

vfr sf w likely to draw men away from House;

xd&mi then me and Sage put our heads to-

\ *3?<4 gether; arrange for Division ; take it

smart, and Government left in lurch."

To-day opportunity found in Motion
for Select Committee on constitution
of Scotch Committee. Akers-Douglas
proposed twenty-one members, all Scotch
but one. "Let us have the lot Scotch,"
says Robertson ; moves Amendment
accordingly. House pretty full, know-
ing crisis at hand ; Government Whips
scouting for Members.

"Tell you what I'll do," says Pen-
rose Fitzgerald to Akers-Douglas ;
"I hate garden-parties and that sort
of thing, but as we shall be in a hole
if Division now rushed, I '11 take cab,
run up to Marlborough House, fetch
down some men; inconvenient, you
know; works against grain; would
rather be down here helping you than
mingling in glittering throng; but, as
the Governor says, duty is our load-
star; say the word, and I'll go off to
Pall Mall and fetch a lot down."

" Fitzgerald," said Akers-Douglas,
wringing his hand, "iyou're a brick.
A New Subscriber to The Yo,u alwaya think of the right thing,
Morning Post. and are ready to do it."

Douglas paused to wipe away tear
drawn from his sensitive_ glands by this evidence of Belf-sacrifice.
When he'd done it. looking again at Fitzgebald's briskly-retreat-
ing figure, couldn't help noting how smartly he was got up; summer
pants; white waistcoat; the short "reefer," familiar in the Lobby,
cast aside for the courtly frock coat; observed him as he strode
forth, producing pair of lavender kid gloves.

" Odd," said Douglas, reflectively. " Fitzgebald never expected
to go to Garden Party; down here to help me; sudden emergency,
and spirit of self-devotion, suggested to him to run over, and see
what could be done ; happy chance to find him, by exception, in the
right rig. It would never have done for him to rush over to Marl-
borough House to meet the Queen in his ' reefer.' Curious, when
I come to think of it. Hope there's not
more in it than meets the eye."
But there was.

Debate on Robertson's Amendment
abruptly closed; Division rushed; position
of Government critical; Akers-Douglas
anxiously on look-out for Fitzgerald and
the Malborough House relief party; but
they came not, and on Division Govern-
ment saved by skin of teeth and eight votes.
An hour later, Penrose Fitzgerald re-
turned to Lobby with guilty look ; carefully
avoided Akers-Douglas ; that able captain
too broken-hearted at the perfidy to be
angry; "Noah's dove didn't treat
him so," he said to himself; but all
he said to Fitzgerald was, "Pleasant
Party at Malborough House, I sup-
pose ? " " Yee-es," said Fitzgerald ;

rather; couldn't get back quite as
soon as I expected."
Business done. — Irish Votes in
PijK> Supply.

«8*^ Tuesday.—Regular set-to of Irish
£V Members on Prince Arthur. Mad-
Haste to the Wedding. DE5r gently threw himself across
hody of his chief, but got such
fearful pummelling., retired into silence for rest of sitting. What
made it worse for Arthur was Chairman's ruling; pulled him
up more than once amid loud cheers from Opposition. Tim Healy
on war-path; quotes Tenntsos with odd variation; represents Prince
Arthur as saying of Irish Members, " You have not got the pose
that marks the cast of Verb de Vere." Proceedings occasionally

lively ; grow a little monotonous after first five hours. Met Stuart
hurrying off, humming to himself the air, "Haste to the Wedding."

" Aren't you going to stay for division ? " I asked.

" No," said he. "I mustered; strikes only on the box; when you
ask for it, see that you get it; none other genuine. Have an im-
portant engagement to-morrow morning. If you 're waking Colman
early, Colman early, Tobt dear."

Stared at this incoherent speech; thought at first he was mad or
had dined. iThen I remembered that to-morrow, at Norfolk, he
marries Miss Colman.

Business done.—More Irish Votes.

Thursday.—E pur si muove: that is to say, it will move; they '11
all move, in spite of Bramwell. London, probably, the only popu-
lation in the world that possesses the supernatural patience necessary
to submit to having its movements obstructed by bars and gates put
up across some of its principal thoroughfares. Oddly enough, they
congregate round congeries of Riilway Stations in the North. _ To-
day, Rosebert in Lords moves Second Reading of Bill designed
to have them swept away. Bramwell protests. " Speaking,"
he said, "in name of over two hundred people who live in district
affected by the Bill, I ask your Lordships to reject it." This
too much even for HouBe of Lords. That alleged luxury of two
hundred people should weigh against convenience of the population
of London was a little monstrous. Bramwell kept his countenance
admirably. Lord Chancellor looked on admiringly.

"That's the man for me, Tobt," he said. " If we could only have
a House of Lords all Bramwells, with me on Woolsack, we 'd make
Old England once more a merry spot."

Rest of House, however, would not enter into joke. Markiss
admitted that, being a constant passenger by Great Northern Rail-
way, he generally " said a dam" when passing these gates. This
felt to be a shocking state of things. Gates and bars must be bundled
off, if only to prevent use of bad language by Prime Minister.
Bramwell reluctantly admitted this, still pleading with touching
eloquence for preservation of the obstruction.

"My Lords," he said, "think of what you're doing to this great
capital, of which we are all so justly proud. The Tower has become
a disused place, and its historic hill no more reverberates to the merry
chopping of the headsman's axe. Temple Bar has gone, and long
ago have vanished the heads that used to look wistfully down on the
passing chairmen. The chairmen themselves have sped into eternity,
and in their place circles the Hansom
cab. No more does the lovely, lonely
oil lamp swing at the corners of our
streets. Your Lordships can wend
your way homeward as far West as
Kensington, or as far North as High-
bury, without meeting the casual
footpad. The town is drained; the
river is embanked; our streets are
paved; and we have a penny post.
Almost all that is left to us of the
good old times are these bars, arbi-
trarily setup across our thoroughfare,
watched by a gentleman in a seedy
suit, and a rain-beaten hat girt with
tarnished golden lace. I beseech your
Lordships, by your memories of in-
fancy, by your love of our old Con-
stitution, by the faith of your Order,
by your fidelity to your Sovereign, to
spare these last lingering relics of the
London that helped to make our
Empire great."

House plainly touched at this out-
burst of eloquence. Lord Bangor
closed his eyes, and clasped his hands,
as if in Church. If there can be any " As if in Church."

arrangement made in Committee by

which the gates and bars, after removal, may be placed in con-
venient order round Bhamwell's residence, so that he shall be forced
to make detours as he goes about his daily business, it shall be done.
With this understanding, Amendment withdrawn, and Bill read
Second Time.

Business done.—hi Commons, more about Irish Votes.

Friday.—Vote for Irish Prisons Board on in Committee of Supply.
Interesting conversation between Prince Arthur and recent inmates
of the prisons. O'Bbien protests that the treatment was abominable.
Prince Arthur cites O'B.'s personal appearance in proof that things
are not so bad as they are painted. "Four times you've been in
prison," he urged, "and see how well you look." Dillon takes
objection to the prison garb ; discloses strong yearning to see Prince
Arthur arrayed in it. Arthur quite content with his present
tailor. Shaw-Leeevre joins in conversation; Arthur looks at him
longingly. "They say we shan't be in office another year, Tobt,