Punch (99.1890)

60

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 2, 1890.

mind, his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical
though it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the
Gangway opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradven-
ture furnish a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House
with keen delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster
clock; Old Mobalitt standing at table looking round and wondering
what on earth he'd said now.

Business done.— Census Bills read Second Time.

Tuesday— Pretty quiet sitting, till Dimsdale craftily crept upon
the scene. Don't often hear from
this distinguished member of the
Order of Noble Barons; generally
content to serve his country by
voting for the Government. To-
night stirred in sluggish depths
by omission of Government in
preparing Census Bill to provide
for Religious Census; so the Noble
Baron moves Amendment designed
to authorise Religious Census.
Opposition Benches nearly empty;
those present listen listlessly;
know it's all right: Government
are pledged against Religious Cen-
sus ; no harm in the Noble Baron
moving his Amendment and mak-
ing his speech; the Bill as intro-
duced is safe.

Then up gets Ritchie ; drops
remark, in off-hand manner, as
if it did not signify, that Mem-
bers on Ministerial side are free
to vote as they please. Sudden
change of attitude in Opposition
Benches. Listlessness vanishes ; a
whisper of treachery goes round ;
Campbell - Bannebman makes
hot protest; Habcouet sent for ; Another Noble Baron,

comes in gleefully; matterB been going so quietly, place unbearable
for him; now a row imminent, Habcouet joyously returns to Front
Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; Old Mobalitt hurries in ;
situation explained to him ; dolefully shakes his head; Habcoubt
thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast and loose with
House; then Old Mobalitt gets up, and publicly abjures Dims-
dale and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only Ritchie's
fun in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on
this matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of
course good Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did,
and Dimsdale's rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69.

Business done.—English Census Bill passed through Committee.

Wednesday.—Came across Nicholas "Wood in remote oorner of
Corridor ; had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrest-
ling with great mental problems and finds himself worsted.

"What's the matter now, Nicholas? Thinking over what Old
Morality said yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one
thing at a time '?"

"No, Toby," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at
once. Old Moeality's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me.
It's this Police Question that bothers me ; give up a good deal of
time to mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard
all Matthews' speeches; tried to follow Cunninghame Geaham ;
courted Conybeaee's company, and pursued Pickebsgill with
inquiries. Thought I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant;
and now it turns out all to have led up to making Puleston Constable
of Carnarvon. Never heard his name before in connection with the
Police Question. He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do
with it I ever heard of; just when I was oomfortably getting on
another tack, the whole question centres on Puleston. It seems he
was the Police Question, and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why
Carnarvon? Why not stationed in the Lobby or the Central
Hall where he would be with old friends ? Suppose he '11 wear a blue
coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will shadow Loyd-Geoege who
now sits for Carnarvon ? If you write to him must you address your
letters " P.C. Puleston" ? and shall we have to change refrain!of
our latest National Hymn ? instead of singing' Ask a Policeman ?'
shall we have to chant,' Ask a Puleston ?' These are the new

froblems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought
'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no more
difficult points coming up. Don't think, Toby, I was cut out for
politics ; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things,
and there are so many things to know."

Try to cheer up Nichola s ; suggest to him that he should put his
questions down on the paper; might address them to Feeguso:n ; a
little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly
conducted between Nicholas and Feeguson would be interesting.
Business done.—Votes in Supply.

Friday.—House in rather strange condition to-night; things all
sevens and sixes ; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be
read Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure ; on
the whole, no particular objection to it, even though with it goes
Heligoland. Still, an Opposition must oppose: but where is the
Opposition ? Mr. G. came down last night; said he'd no particular
objection to Treaty, but didn't like the process of confirming it; so
publicly washed his hands of the business. Sinee the announcement
appeared in papers, Heebeet tells me his illustrious father's life has
been a burden to him. Every post brings him letters from rival
advertising soap manufacturers, making overtures of business
transactions.

" Sir," runs one 'of these epistles, " alluding to your statement in
the House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your
hands of participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have
any objection to our stating that the substance used was our cele-
brated Salubrious Savon ? Anticipating your favourable reply, we
assume that you would have no objection to our publishing a portrait
of you using our soap, with its familiar label,' Does not wash collars.'
We have only to add that in the event of your favourably accepting
this suggestion, we shall esteem it a favour to
be allowed to gratuitously supply you and
your family with specimens of our art for the
term of your natural lives."

This is merely an incident in the struggle,
illustrating one of the embarrassments it has
evolved. Only man thoroughly
happy is Haecouet. He invented
the line of attack on ground of
breach of constitutional usages;
put up Mr. G. to make his speech;
supplied him with authorities, and
in supplementary speech amazed
House with his erudition. Made
stupendous speech last night;
literally gorged the House; to-
night picks up fragments and pro-
vides another
feast; six baskets
wouldn't hold it.

" Wish, Toby,
dear boy," he said,
sinking back in his
seat after deliver-
ing his second
speech, cunningly
grafted on an

Amendment ' ' we The Bdtish Constitlltion.

could Icarry this
over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. Remember
when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the new
agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. ' Well,' Baid
my acquaintance, ' I don't know about his business daylings, but for
blasphaymious language, he's au revoir.' On constitutional ques-
tions.'ToBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm au revoir"
Business done.—Anglo-German Treaty agreed to.

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
Feiendlt Comments on Chaeacteb and Accomplishments.
" She is never at a loss for a clever answer:" i.e., " A cat whoso
claws are always out."

"A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when
one really knows him;" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank
goodness!"

Legal.

" As your Lordship pleases;" i.e., " As a Judge, you are a stupid,
self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets his
costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him what you decide!"

" With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle .the
minutes; " i.e., " And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in
the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and
the shells to the clientB."

In the Smoking-Room.

" You donH mind my telling you exactly where I think you're
wrong 9" i.e., "You obviously want, setting down, and I may as
well do it."

"Do you mind just stating that over again ? " i.e., " While I think
of something to say in reply."

" Of course you know more about the subject than I do ; " i.e., " I
am pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute."

'• If you care for my candid opinion ; " i.e., " I am now about to
be annoying, and perhaps rude."

" All right, I'm not deaf!" i.e.," Keep your confounded temper."

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