Punch (99.1890)

August 23, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89

" "White Horse," Pieoadilly; and so, when we start for Etretat, he
produces a big cor de chasse, and, while he sounds the farewell upon
it, a maid rushes out and rings the parting bell, and M. Aubouro
pere waves his cap, and Madame her hand, and Mile, her serviette,
and we respond with hat and handkerchief until we turn the corner,
and. hear the last flourish of the French " horn of the hunter," and
see the last flourish of pretty Mademoiselle's snow-white serviette.
Then we go on our way to Etretat, rejoicing. But, after this excite-
ment, Etretat palls upon us. After a couple of hours of Etretat, we
are glad to drive up, and up, and up, and get far away and. above
Etretat, where we can breathe again.

Far better is Fecamp which we tried two days after, and Fecamp
is just a trifle livelier than Westward Ho! Of course its Abbaye
is an attraction in itself. It is a place whose inhabitants show
considerable public spirit, as it is here that " Benedictine " is made.
When at Le Havre drive over to St. Jouin, and breakfast chez
Ernestine. Another day you can spend at Rouen, returning in the
evening to dinner. This is not intended as a chapter in a guide-
book, but simply as a hint at any time to those who need a thorough
change in a short time, and who do not care to go too far off to get
it. When they've quite finished building and paving Havre, I '11
return there and take a few walks. Now the authorities responsible
for the paving are simply the best friends of the boot-making inte-
rest, just as in London the Hansoms collectively ought to reeeive a
handsome Christmas hat-box from the hatters. But mind this, when
at Havre drive to Gronneville, and breakfast chez M. Auboubg.

IN THE KNOW.

(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)

I have had a communication from Mr. Jebemy, written in the
execrable English of which this calico-livered scoundrel is a con-
summate master, and informing me that, if I care to join the staff
of the journal which Mr. J. directs, a princely salary shall be at
my disposal. Mr. J. inquires what special branch of fiction it would
suit me to undertake, as he proposes to publish a serial novel by an
author of undoubted imaginative power. Here is my answer to
Mr. J. I will do nothing for him. His compliments I despise.
Flattery has never yet caused me to falter. And if he desires to
prop the tottering fortunes of his chowder-headed rag, let him
obtain support from the pasty-faced pack of cacklers who surround
him. I would stretch no finger to help him, no, not if I saw him
up to his chin in the oleo-margarine of which his brains and those
of his bottle-nosed, flounder-eared friends seem to be composed.
So much then for Mr. J. Du reste, as Talleyband once said, my
important duties to the readers of this journal fully absorb my
time.

Last week I offered to the public some interesting details of the
family history of an exalted German prince, whose friendship and
good-will it has been my fortune to acquire by means of the
dazzling accuracy of my forecasts of racing events in this country.
I may state at once that the Grand Cross of the Honigthau Order,
" mit Diamanten und Perlen," which his Serene Highness was good
enough to confer upon me, has come to hand, and even now sparkles
on a breast as incapable of deceit as it is ardent in the pursuit of
truth. Let this be an incitement to the deserving, and a warning to
scoffers who presume to doubt me. Many other gratifying testi-
monies of foreign approval have reached me. From the immense
heap of them stored in my front drawing-room, I select the following
specimens:—

(i.) Buenos Ayres, Monday.
Revolution crushed entirely by your aid. At the crisis, General
Pohpanilla read all your published writings aloud to insurgent
chiefs. Effect was magical. They thought your prophecies better
than ammunition._ Ha, ha! Their widows have fled the country.
A pension of a million pesetas awarded to you. Rumours about my
resignation a mere blind. [Signed) Dr. Celman, President.

(ti.) Buenos Ayres, Monday.

The traitor Celman has been vanquished, thanks to you. When
ammunition failed, we loaded with sporting prophecies. Very
deadly. Treasury cleared directly. One of your adjectives annihi-
lated a brigade of infantry.

(Here follow the signatures of the Leaders of the Union Civica, to
the number of 5,000.)

(rri.) Guatemala, Sunday.

Victobious army of Guatemala sends thanks to its brave champion.
Your inspired writings have been set to music, and are sung as
national hymns. Effect on San Salvadorians terrible. Only two
deaf sergeants left alive. Guerra, Vittoria Matador, Mantilla.

[Signed) Babillas, President.

(rv.) San Salvador, Sunday.

Land pirates from Guatemala foiled, owing to valiant English
PimcA-Prophet. Army when reduced to last biscuit, fed on racing

intelligence. Captain-General sustained nature on white native
plant called Tehp, much used by Indian tribe of Estar-ting-prisahs.
My body-guard performed prodigies on Thenod, the well-known
root of the Cuff plant. Have adopted you as my grandson.

(Signed) Ezeia, President.

That is sufficient for one week. Those who wish for more in the
meantime, must call at my residence.

THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.

(Before Mr. Commissioner Punch.)

An Engineer Officer, R.N., introduced.

The Commissioner. Sorry to see you here, Sir, as your presence
argues that you have a right to demand redress.

Engineer Officer, R.N. I think, Sir, that we have a genuine
grievance is almost universally conceded. But, as our labours and
6«a\\x responsibilities have increased

enormously of late years, per-
haps you will kindly allow me
to describe our duties.
The Com. By all means.
En. Of.,R.N~. As the matter
is of the greatest importance
to fourteen hundred officers,
commanding ten thousand men,
I hope you will not consider me
tedious in making the follow-
ing statement. The success of
every function of the modern
battle-ship depends upon
machinery for which the
Engineer officers are directly
responsible. By its means the
anchor is lifted, boats are
hoisted, the ship is steered,
ventilated, and electrically
lighted. Pure drinking water
is supplied for its hundreds of
inhabitants. The efficiency of all the elaborate arrangements of
the hull for safety in collision, fire, or battle, depends upon the
Engineers. Their machinery trains and elevates, loads and controls
the heavy guns. The use of the Whitehead torpedo and all its
appliances would be an impossibility without the Engineers. In
addition to this there is the propulsion of the ship, and the control
and supervision of a large staff of artificers and men. And yet the
Engineer officers are the lowest paid class of commissioned officers
in the Royal Navy—this when, without exaggeration, they may be
described as the hardest-worked.

The Com. It certainly seems unfair that officers of your import-
ance should not receive ampler remuneration. When was the rate
established P

En. Of, R.N. It has seen little change since 1870 ; and you may
judge of its justice when I tell you that a young Surgeon of twenty -
three, appointed to his first ship, receives more pay than many
Engineer officers who have seen fourteen years' service, and have
reached the age of thirty-five.

The Com. I am decidedly of opinion that your pay should be
increased, and I suppose (as evidently there has been "class feeling"
in the matter) you have had to suffer annoyance anent relative
rank ?

En. Of., R.N. (with a smile). Well, 'yes, we have. But if the
Engineer-in-Chief at the Admiralty (who, by the way, receives
£1000 a-year, and yet is held responsible for the design and manu-
facture of machinery costing £12,000,000 per annum) is admitted to
be superior to all other Engineer officers, we shall be satisfied. Still
I cannot help saying that the Chief Engineer of a ship is snubbed
when all is right, and only has his importance and responsibility
allowed (when indeed it is recognised and paraded) when anything
is wrong! But let that pass.

The Com. I am afraid it is too late to do anything further this
Session, as the House is just up. However, if matters are not more

satisfactory at the end of the recess, let me know, and-but you

shall see!

[ The Witness, after suitable acknowledgment, then withdrew.

"A Little Mobe than Gat but Less than IGkave."—Not
very long ago, an act of sacrilege was committed at Canterbury by a
man, who robbed an alms-box in the Cathedral. However, dis-
regarding the precedent set by the Dean and Chapter (who, it will
be remembered, dug up and removed the bones of the honoured
dead), the intruder abstained from touching the vaults of those
buried in consecrated ground.