Punch (99.1890)

136 PUNCH, Oli THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. [September 20, 1890.

THE AMERICAN GIRL.

[An Ainerioan Correspondent of The Galignani Messenger is very serere on
the manners of his fair countrywomen.]

She " guesses " and she " calculates," she wears all sorts o' oollars,
Her yellow hair is not without suspicion of a dye;

Her "Pappa" is a dull
old man who turned
pork into dollars.
But everyone admits
that she's indubi-
tably spry.

She did Rome in a swift
two days, gave half
the time to Venice,
But vows that she saw
everything1, although
in awful haste;
She's fond of dancing,
but she seems to fight
shy of lawn-tennis,
Because it might en-
danger the propor-
tions of her waist.

Her manner might be well
defined as elegantly
skittish;

She loves a Lord as only a Republican can do;
And quite the best of titles she's persuaded are the British,
And well she knows the Peerage, for she reads it through and
through.

She's bediamonded superbly, and shines like a oonstellation,
You scarce can see her fingers for the multitude of rings;

She's just a shade too conscious, so it seems, of admiration,
With irritating tendencies to wriggle when she sings.

She owns she is " Amur'can," and her accent is alarming;

Her birthplace has an awful name you pray you may forget;
Yet, after all, we own " La Belle AmSricaine " is charming,

So let us hope she '11 win at last her long-sought coronet.

TIPS EROM THE TAPE.

{Picked up in Mr. Punch's own Special City Corner.)

In my last I announced that I was busily giving my mind to the
launching of a new " Combination Pool" over the satisfactory results
of which to all concerned in it, under certain contingencies, I had no
shadow of a doubt. This I have since managed to float on the
market, and, though I worked it on a principle of my own, which,
for want of a better description, I have styled amalgamated
"Profit and Loss," I regret to have to inform those clients who have
entrusted me with their cheques in the hopes of getting, as I really
fully believed they would, 700 per cent, for their money in three days,
that I have had to close the speculation rather suddenly, and I fear,
as the following illustrative figures will show in a fashion that not
only deprives me of the pleasure of enclosing them a cheque for
Profits, but obliges me to announce to them that their cover has dis-
appeared. The Stocks with which I operated were " Drachenfonteim
Catapults," "Catawanga Thirty-fives," and "Blinker's Submarine
Explosives." The IllustbatiojS', I hoped, would have stood as
follows:—

£100 invested in Drachenfonteim Catatpults, showing

profit of 1 per cent.......£100

£100 invested in Catawanga Thirty-fives, showing

profit of 2£ per cent.......£250

£300 invested in Blinker's Submarine Explosives,

showing profit of 3 per cent.....£900

Gross Profits......£1250

Unfortunately, however, the real figures came out rather differently,
for they stood, I regret to say, as under :—

£100 invested in Drachenfonteim Catapults, at a loss

of 5 per cent........£500

£100 invested in Catawanga Thirty-fives, at a loss of

7 per cent.........£700

£300 invested in Blinker's Submarine Explosives, at

at a loss of 4 per cent......£1200

Total loss.......£2400

This, I need scarcely say, has at present not only eaten up every
halfpenny of cover, but a great deal besides ; and I am not sure that

I shall not have to come down on my clients to make good the
balance. I cannot account for the result, except from the fact that
a new clerk read out the wrong tape ; and. when I telephoned to my
West-End Private Inquiry Agent about these very three Stocks, he
appears not to have heard me distinctly, and thought I was asking
him about Goschens, the old Three-per-Cents., and Bank Stock,
about which, of course, he oould only report favourably. It is an
awkward mistake, but, as I point out to all my clients, one must not
regard the Dealer as infallible. These things will occur. However,
I am going to be more careful in future; and I may as well announce
now, that on Monday next I am about to open a new Syndicate
Combination Pool, with a Stock about which I have made the most
thorough and exhaustive inquiries, with the result that I am con-
vinced an enormous fortune will be at the command of anyone who
will entrust me with a suffioiently large cheque in the shape of cover
to enable me to realise it.

For obvious reasons I keep the name of this Stock at present a
dead secret. Suffice it to say, that the operation in question is
connected with an old South-American Gold Mine, about to be re-
worked under the auspices of a new company who have bought it
for a mere song. When I tell my clients that I have got all my in-
formation from the Chairman, who took down under his greatcoat a
carpet-bag full of crushed quartz carefully mixed with five ounces of
gold, nuggets, and emptied this out at the bottom of a disused shaft, and
then got a Yankee engineer to report the discovery of ore in " lumps as
big as your fist," and state this in the new prospectus, they will- at
once see what a solid foundation I have for this new venture, which
must inevitably fly upwards by leaps and bounds as soon as the
shares are placed upon the market. Of course, when the truth comes
out, there will be a reaction, but my clients may trust me to be on
the look-out for that, and, after floating with all their investments
to the top of the tide, to get out of the concern with enormous profits
before the bubble eventually bursts. It is by a command of infor-
mation of this kind that I hope to ensure the confidence and merit
the support of my friends and patrons. Remember Monday next,
and bear in mind a cheque for three-and-sixpenee covers £5000. The
subjoined is from my correspondence:—

Sib,—I have as trustee for five orphan nieces to invest for each of
them £3 18s. 9d., left them by a deceased maternal cousin. How
ought I to invest this to the greatest advantage with a due regard to
security. What do you say to Goschens ? Or would you recommend
Rio Diavolos Galvauics ! These promise a dividend of 70 per oent.,
and although they have not paid one for some time, are a particularly
cheap stock at the present market price, the scrip of the Five per
Cent. Debenture Stock being purchased by a local butterman at
seven pounds for a halfpenny. A Spanish Nobleman who holds
some of this, will let me have it even cheaper. What would you
advise me to do? Yours, &o., A Trustee m a Fog.

Don't touch Goschens, they are not a speculative Stock. You
certainly might do worse than the Rio Diavolos Galvanios. Do not
hesitate, but put the little all of your five orphan nieces into them
at once, and wait for the rise.

ON THE CARDS.

{By a Whist-loving Malade-Imaginaire.)

Off, where shall I hit on a " perfect cure" ?
(What ails me I am not quite sure that I'm sure)
To Nice, where the weather is nice—with vagaries ?
The Engadine soft or the sunny Canaries ?
To Bonn or Wiesbaden ? My doctor laconic
Declares that the Teutonic air is too tonic.
Shall I do Davos-Platz or go rove the Riviera ?
Or moon for a month in romantic Madeira ?
St. Moritz or Malaga, Aix, La Bourboule'{
Bah ! My doctor's a. farceur and I am—a fool.
I will not try Switzerland, Norway, or Rome.
I'll go in for a rest and a rubber—at home.
A Windermere wander, and Whist, I feel sure.
Will give what I'm seeking, a true " Perfect Cure."

A Bubble ekom the Suds.—A Firm of Soap-boilers have been
sending; round a circular to "Dramatic Authors" of established
reputation, and (no doubt) others, offering to produce gratis the
best piece submitted to them at a " Matinee performance at a West
End Theatre." The only formality necessary to obtain this sweet
boon is the purchase of a box of the Firm's soap, which will further
contain a coupon "entitling the owner to send in one new and
original play for reading." The idea that a Dramatic Author of any
standing would submit his work to such a tribunal, even with the
dazzling prospect of a Matinee in futuro, is too refreshing 1 How-
ever, as literary men nowadays fully appreciate the value of their
labour, the idea, in spite of the soap with which it is associated,
may be dismissed with the words, " Won't Wash!"