Punch (99.1890)

Septbmbbb 20, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

141

PREPARING FOR BLACK MONDAY.

Paterfamilias {reading School Report). "Ah, my Boy, this isn't
so good as it might be. ' latin indifferent,' 'french poor,'
' Arithmetic nothing ' ?"

Tommy. "Ah, but look down there, Papa. ' Health excel-
lent ' / "

TO A TRUMPETING DEMOCRAT.

[Mr. Andrew Carnegie, the Iron King and millionnaire of Pittsburg,
has been addressing big audiences in Scotland. Amongst his remarks were the
following:—" It is said that in America, although we have no aristocracy,
we are cursed with a plutarchy. Let me tell you about that. A man who
carries a million dollars on his back carries a load. . . . When I speak against
the Koyal Family I do not condescend to speak of the creatures who form the
.Royal Family—persons are so insignificant. . . . We laugh at your ideas in
this petty little country having anything to say to the free and independent
citizens who walk through Canada, Australia, and America. You know how
to get rid of a Monarchy. Brazil has taught you."—&c, &c]

Carnegie, pray take notice, since I know that it would blister
The thin skin of a democrat, I drop the title " Mr.,"
You have talked a lot of bunkum, all mixed up with most terrific cant.
But you truly said that "persons are so very insignificant; "
And the author of a speech I read, part scum and partly dreggy,
Is perhaps the least significant—that windbag named Carnegie.
But your kindness most appals me, Sir ; how really, truly gracious,
For one whose home is in the States, free, great, and most capacious,
To come to poor old England (where the laws but make the many fit
To lick a Royal person's boots), and all for England's benefit.
To preach to us, and talk to us, to tell us how effete we are,
How like a flock of silly sheep who merely baa and bleat we are.
And how "this petty little land," which prates bo much of loyalty,
Is nothing but a laughing-stock to Pittsburg Iron-Royalty.
How titles make a man a rake, a drunkard, and the rest of it,
While plain (but wealthy) democrats in Pittsburg have the best of it.
How, out in Pennsylvania, the millionnaires are panting [banting.
(Though there's something always keeps them fat) for monetary
How free-born citizens oomplain, with many Yankee curses,
Of fate which fills, in spite of them, their coffers and their purses.
How, if the man be only poor, there's nothing that can stop a cit
In Yankeeland, while here with us the case is just the opposite.
How honest British working-men who fail to fill their larder
Should sail for peace and plenty by the very next Cunarder.

And how, in short, if Britishers want freedom gilt with millions,
They can't do wrong to imitate the chivalrous Brazilians.

"Well, well, I know we have our faults, quite possibly a crowd of them,
And sometimes we deceive ourselves by thinking we are proud of them;
But we never can have merited that you Bhould set the law to us,
And. rail at us, and sneer at us, and preach to us, and "jaw" to us.
We 're much more tolerant than some; let those who hate the law go
And spout sedition in the streets of anarchist Chicago ;
And, after that, I guarantee they '11 never want to roam again, _
Until they get a first-class hearse to take their bodies home again.

But stay, I've hit upon a plan: We '11, first of all, relieve you
Of all your million dollars that so onerously grieve you ;
Then, if some loud, conceited fool wants taking down a peg, he
Shall spend an hour or so in talk with democrat Carnegie.
For all men must admit 'twould be an act of mere insanity
To try to match this Pittsburger in bluster or in vanity.
And oh, when next our Chancellor is anxious for a loan, Sir,
He '11 buy you in at our price, and he '11 sell you at your own, Sir.
And if you don't like English air, why, dash it, you may lump it,
Or go and blow in other climes your most offensive trumpet!

ROBERT UP THE RIYER.

I atbnded on a Party larst week as went up the River (our nice
little Stream, as the aughty Amerrycanes calls it) to Ship Lake, tho'
why it's called so I coodn't at all make out, as there ain't no Ship
nor no Lake to be seen there, ony a werry little Werry, and a werry
littel River, and a werry littel Hiland; and it^was prinsepally to see
how the appy yung Gents who sumtimes lives on the same littel
Hiland, in littel Tents, -was a gitting on, as injuced all on us, me and
all, to go there. It seems that for years parst quite a littel Collony of
yung Gents as gets their living in the grand old Citty has been in
the habit of spending their littel summer Hollydays there, but, some-
hows or other, as I coodn't quite understand, the master of the littel
Hiland made up his mind for to sell it, and all the yung Gents was
in dispair, and wondered where on airth they shood spend their
Hollydays in future. But they needn't have been afeard—there was
a grand old hinstitushun called " The Copperashun! " as had both
their ears and both their eyes open when they heard about it. So
when the time came for it to be sold, they jest quietly says to one of
their principel Chairmen (who is sich a King of Good Fellers that
they all calls him by that name, and he arnsers to it jest as if it was
the werry name as was guv him by his Godfathers and his God-
mothers, as I myself heard with my own ears), " Go and buy it! "
So off he goes at wunce and buys it, and the kindly Copperashun
Gents as I went with larst week, went to take possesshun on it
acordingly, and to see if anythink coud be done to make the yung
Campers-out ewen more cumferabel than they ewer was afore ! Ah,
that's what I calls trew Pattriotizm, and trew Libberality, if you
likes, and that's what makes 'em so much respeekted.

Our Gents was all considrably surprized at the lots of Tents as
was all a standing on Ship Lake Island; one on 'em, who was got
up quite in a naughtical style, said as he was estonished to see so
many on 'em pitched, but I think as he must ha' bin mistaken, for I
didn't see not none on 'em pitched, tho' I dessay it might ha' been
werry usefool in keeping out the rain on a remarkabel wet night.

By sum mistake on sumboddy's part, there wasn't not no yung
Campers-out to receeve us, and so fears was hentertaned that they
wood have to cum again shortly; but they are bold plucky gents, is
the men of the Copperashun, and they one and ail xpressed their
reddiness to do it at the call of dooty. Besides, we had sich a reel
Commodore a board as made us all quite reddy to brave the foaming
waves again. Why, he guv out the word of command, whether it
was to " Port the Helem," or to " Titen the mane braces," as if he
had bin a Hadmiral at the werry least, and his galliant crew obeyed
him without not no grumbling or ewen thretening to strike!

By one of them striking and remarkabel ocurrences as happens so
offen, who shood we appen to find at Ship Lake, but one of the werry
poplarest of the Court of Haldermen, and what shood he do but ask
'em all in to lunch at his splendid manshun, and what shood they all do
but jump at the hoffer, and what does he do, for a lark, I serppose—
if so be as a reel Poplar Alderman ewer does have sich a thing as a
lark—and give 'em all sich a gloiyous spread, as I owerheard one
henergetick Deperty describe it, as hutterly deprived 'em all of the
power of heating a bit of dinner till the werry next day, to which
time they wisely put it off, and then thorowly in joyed it.

In course, I'm not allowed to menshun not no names on these
conferdential ocasions, but I did hear "the Commodore" shout to
" the King " sumthink about " Hansum is as Hansum does," but it
was rayther too late in the heavening for me to be able to quite
unnerstand his elusions.

I am 'appy to be able to report that we every one on us arrived^ in
Town quite safe and quite happy, xcep sum of the pore hard-working
crew who are left at Marlow till further orders. Robert.