Punch (99.1890)

September 20, 1890.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 143

A FAIR PROPOSAL.

Johnson (at window—having offered to tame a vicious Horst-for his Friend). "Now, Tom, just collar hold of his Head, and /'ll

put the Muzzle on !"

A SPORTING STYLE.

( Third Example.)

Two examples of a correct sporting style
have been already laid before the public. For
convenience of reference they may be denned
as the mixed-pugilibtic and the insolent.
There is. however, a third variety, the equine,
in which everyone who aspires to wield the
pen of a sporting reporter must necessarily be
a proficient. It may be well to warn a be-
ginner that he must not attempt this style
until he has laid in a large stock of variegated
metaphoric expressions. As a matter of fact
one horse-race is very much like another in
its main incidents, and the
process of betting against
or in favour of one horse
resembles, more or less, the
process of betting about
any other. The point is,
however, to _ impart to
monotonous incidents a
variety they do not pos-
sess; and to do this pro-
perly a luxuriant vocabu-
lary is essential. For in-
stance, in the course of
a race, some horses tire, or,
to put it less offensively,
go less rapidly than others.
The reporter will say of
such a horse that he (1)
"shot his bolt," or (2)
"cried peccavi," 'or (3) "cried a go," or (4)
"compounded," or (5) "exhibited signals of
distress," or (6) " fired minute guns," or (7)
"fell back to mend his bellows," or (8)
" seemed to pause for reflection."

Again, in recording the upward progress of
horses in the betting market, it would be
ridiculous to say of all of them merely that
they became hot favourites. Vary, there-
fore, occasionally, by saying of one, for ex-
ample, that "here was another case of one
being eventually served up warm"; of
another, that " plenty of the talent took 7 to
4 about Mousetrap;" of a third, that " Para-
dox had the call at 4 to 1; " and of a fourth,
that "a heap of money, and good money
too, went on Backslide." After these preli-
minary instructions, Mr. Punch offers his

Third Example.—Event to be described:
A horse-race. Names of horses and jockeys,
weights, &o., supplied.

Considerable delay took place. Little
Benjy made a complete hole in his manners
by bolting. Eventually, however, the flag
fell to a capital start. Burglar Bill on
the right cut out the work* from Paladin,
who soon began to blow great guns, and
after a quarter of a mile had been nego-
tiated yielded his pride of place to Cudlums
with The P'liceman in attendance, Sobriety
lying fourth, and D. T. close behind. Thus
they raced to the bend, where Burglar Bill
cried peccavi, and Cudlums having shot her
bolt, Sobriety was left in front, only to be
challenged by Cropeared Sue, who had been
coming through her horses with a wet sail.
Rounding the bend Simpson called upon Mrs.
Brady and literally took tea with herrivals,t
whom he nailed to the counter one after

* Note this sentence. It is essential.

t At first sight it would appear more natural
that Simpson (presumably a jockey) having called
upon Mrs. Brady, should take tea with her rather
than with her rivals. But a sporting style involves
us in puzzles.

another. The favourite compounded at the
distance, and Mrs. Brady romped home the
easiest of winners, four lengths ahead of
Cropeared Sue; a bad third. The rest were
whipped in by Flyaway, who once more
failed to justify the appellation bestowed
upon him.

Mr. Punch flatters himself that, upon the
above model, the report of any race-meeting
could be accurately constructed at home. In
future, therefore, no reporter thould go to
the expense of leaving London for Epsom,
Newmarket, Ascot, or Goodwood.

A CENTENARIAN.
" This is the centenary of the t&ll hat "

Daily News.
A eundbed years of hideousness,
Constricted brows, and strain, and stress!

And still, de-
spite huma-
nity's groan,

The torturing
" tall-hat"
holds it's
own!

"What proof
more sure
and melan-
choly

Of the dire
depths of
mortal
folly?

Mad was the hatter who invented
The demon " topper," and demented
The race that, spite of pain and jeers,
Has borne it—for One Hundred Years!