Punch (99.1890)

144

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 2D, 1890.

HAMLET AT THE VEGETARIAN CONGRESS.

Tea, from the table of my dining-room.
I '11 take away all tasty joints and entrees.

All sorts of meat,
n.) all forms of ani-
• mal diet

That the carnivo-
rous cook hath
gathered there ;
And, by command-
ment, will en-
tirely live
"Within the bounds
of vegetable
food,
Unmixed with sa-
voury matters.
Yes, by heaven!
0 most pernicious

Meat!
0 mutton, beef, and
pork, digestion-
spoiling !
My tables, my ta-
bles! Meat? I'll
put it down ;
For men may dine,
and dine, and do
no killing,

At least I'm sure it may be so—on lentils.

So, gourmand, there you are! Now to my menu ;

It is, " All Vegetables and no Meat! "

I have sworn't!

INTERVIEWING A LA MODE.

(Quite at the Service of some of Mr. Punch's Contemporaries.)

One of our Representatives called a few days since upon
Mr. Brown, senior member of the well-known firm of
Messrs. Brown, Jones, and Robinson. The Eminent
General Dealer was seated "in his counting-house," as
the nursery-song hath it, " counting out his money."

" Come in, come in!" said Mr. Brown, cordially, as
he somewhat hurriedly locked up the coin in a safe out
of our reach. " I am delighted to see you."

"Clad to hear it," we replied, rather drily. "We
want to put a few questions to you, in the interest of the
public."

"As many as you please. I am, as you know, a man
of business; still, the resources of our establishment are
so vast, that my place ean be supplied without incon-
venience to our thousands, I may say millions of customers.
And now, Sir, what can I do for you P "

"Well, Mr. Brown, speaking in the name of civilisa-
tion, I would wish to ask you if you have much sale
for Smashup's Concentrated Essence of Cucumbers
(registered), in the larger bottles ? "

"Yes, Sir, we have; although the smaller sizes are,
possibly, a trifle more popular."

"What do you think of Cottonback's Eleur de
Lyons Putney Satin ? "

"A most admirable material for home wear, although
we do not recommend it for use at a party, a ball, or a
reception. For festive occasions we do a very large trade
in Gigglewater's Superfine Velvet South American
Moire Antique as advertised."

"Indeed! Perhaps, you can mention a few more
articles that in your judgment you believe it will interest
our readers to learn about."

"Pardon me, but don't you put that sentence a trifle
clumsily ? "

Our Representative smiled and blushed. Then he
admitted that Mr. Brown might be right.

"Ha! ha! ha! " laughed the Senior Partner, in great
glee. "You see I have my head screwed on the right
way! But to answer you. Cotemon's Patent Alligator's
Skin Braces are attracting much attention just now, so is
Wipe's Castle 2 Imperial William Champagne, which
finds (I may observe confidentially) a ready sale at thirty-
two shillings the dozen. Then there are Ake's Electric
Tooth-brushes, and Grax's Stained-glass Solid Mahogany
Brass-mounted Elizabethan Mantel-boards. Then, of
course, I must not forget Bolter's Washhandstands and
Bounder's Anti-agony Aromatic Pills."

"And all these articles sell largely ? "

"Very largely, indeed. And so they should; for they are well worth the
money they cost."

" Indeed they are, or I should not find them in your establishment."

" You are very good. And now, a propos of your journal, will you permit me
to pay a return compliment ? "

"Certainly," we'replied. "You have noticedan improvement in our columns?"

"Unquestionably I have," returned Mr. Brown, emphatically. "I have
observed that of late you have given much interesting matter in the body of
your paper that heretofore used to be reserved for the pages exclusively devoted
to advertisements. I congratulate you!"

And with a courteous wave of his hand and a bow of dismissal, the Eminent
Pillar of Commerce delicately intimated to us that our interview was at an end.

'ARRY ON THE SINCEREST EORM OE ELATTERY.

Dear Charlie,—Your faviour to 'and in doo course, as the quill-drivers say;
Likeways also the newspaper cuttins enclosed. You 're on Rummikey's lay.
Awful good on yer, Charlie, old chummy, to take bo

much trouble for me;
But do keep on yer 'air, dear old pal; Jam still right

end uppards, yer see.

You are needled along of some parties,—er course you

ain't fly to their names,—
As has bin himitating Yours Truly. Way-oh! It's

the oldest o' games, [was right, anyhow,

Himitation is, Charlie. It makes one think Darwin
And that most on us did come from monkeys, which

some ain't so fur from 'em now.

You start a smart game, or a paying one—something

as knocks 'em, dear boy_, [or a sixpenny toy ;
No matter, mate, whether it's must-ard, or rhymes,
They '11 be arter you, nick over nozzle, the Bmuggers

of notions and nips,
For the mugs is as 'ungry for wrinkles as broken-down

bookies for tips.

Look at Dickens, dear boy, and Lord Tennyson—ain't they bin copied all round ?
Wy, I'm told some as liked Alfred's verses at fust, is now sick of the sound;
All along o' the parrots, my pippin. Ah, that's jest the wust o' sech fakes!
People puke at the shams till they think the originals ain't no great shakes.

'Tain't fair, Charlie, not by a jugful, but anger's all fiddle-de-dee ;
They may copy my style till all's blue, but they won't discombobulate me.
Namesand metres is anyone's props; but of one thing they don't get the 'ang;
They ain't fly to good patter, old pal, they ain't copped the straight griffin on slang.
'Tisn't grammar and spelling makes patter, nor yet snips and snaps of snide talk.
You may cut a moke out o' pitch-pine, mate, and paint it, but can't make it walk.
You may chuck a whole Slang Dixionary by chunks in a stodge-pot of chat,
But if 'tisn't alive, 'tain't chin-music, but kibosh, and corpsey at that.

Kerrectness be jolly well jiggered! Street slang isn't Science, dear pal,

And it don't need no " glossery " tips to hinterpret my chat to my gal.

I take wot comes 'andy permiskus, wotever runs slick and fits in,

And when smugs makes me out a " philolergist,"—snuffers ! it do make me grin!

Still there's fitness, dear boy, and unfitness, and some of these jossers, jest now,
Who himitate 'Arry's few letters with weekly slapdabs of bow-wow,
'Ave about as much " fit" in their " slang " as a slop-tailor's six-and-six bags.
No, Yours Truly writes only to you, and don't spread his&eli out in the Mags.

Mister P. prints my letters, occasional, once in a while like, dear boy;

For patter's like love-letters, Charlie, too long and too frequent, they cloy.

I agree there with Samivel Veller. My echoes I've no wish to stop,

But I'd jest like to say 'tisn't me as is slopping'all over the shop.

It do give me the ditherums, Charlie, it makes me feel quite quisby snitch,

To see the fair rush for a feller as soon as he's found a good pitch.

Jest like anglers, old man, on the river; if one on 'em spots a prime swim,

And is landing 'em proper, you bet arf the others '11 crowd about him.

But there's law for the rodsters, I'm told, Charlie ; so many foot left and right;

And you '11 see the punts spotted at distance, like squodrons of troops at a fight.

But in Trade, Art, and Littery lines, Charlie, 'anged if there's any fair play,

And the " cullerable himitation" is jest the disgrace of the day.

Sech scoots scurryfunging around on the gay old galoot, to go snacks

In the profits of other folks' notions, have put you, old pal, in a wax.

Never mind their shenanigan, Charlie ; it don't do much hurt, anyhow;

I was needled a trifle at fust, but I'm pooty seroodnoodleous now.

I'm all right and a arf, mate, I am, and ain't going'to rough up, no fear I

Becos two or three second-hand 'Arries is tipping the public stale beer.

The old tap '11 turn on now and then, not too often, and as for the rest,

The B. P. has a taste for sound tipple, and knows when it's served with the best.

If mine don't 'old its own on its merits, then way-oh! for someone's as does !

All cop and no blue ain't my motter; that's all tommy-rot and buz-wuz.

The pace of a yot must depend on her lines and the canvas she '11 carry ;

If rivals can crowd on more sail, wy they 're welcome to overhaul 'Aery.

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