Punch (99.1890)

156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. [September 27, ia»u-

HISTORY AS SHE IS WROTE!

Last week the fit. James's Gazette published an article proving
that the Bastille, so far from being: a gloomy prison, was the most
delightful of hotels. This historical record has, however, caused no
surprise in 85, Fleet Street, because the following extract from a
very old diary has for years been awaiting publication. The time
has now arrived for it to see the light.

GAY MOMENTS AT THE ANCIENT BAILEY.

Newgate, September 29, IT—.—Got up with the assistance of my
valet, and held my customary levee. The Governor of the place
asked my permission to enter my luxuriously furnished apartments,

to show me an amusing set of irons that had been discovered in one
of the cells used daring the last two hundred years for the storage
of fire-wood. The droll things were called the " Little Ease," and
seemingly, were intended to create merriment. One of the officers
was complacent enough to assume them, and caused great diversion
by his eccentric gestures. My levee was not quite so successful, as
is generally the that tedious old gossip, Guido Faux, obtained

admission. As usual he had a grievance. It appears that a report
has got abroad that he was executed in the days of our late lamented
Monarch, James the First of Great Britain, and Sixth of Scotland.
Says Guido, " If this be believed by the multitude there will be a
demand for my expulsion, and what shall I do if I be turned out ? "
Condoled with him, and escaped his impartunities by joining with
Master John Sheppard, and Squire Turpin in a game of "Lome
fen Hys," a recreation recently introduced by my good neighbour
Monsieur Clauds du Val. Failed in making a goal, and put out
thereat. However, regained my usual flow of spirits on receiving
a polite request from the Governor to join him and his good Dame
in a visit to the Tower of London, to call upon Lady Jane Grey—
once Queen—and now a guest in that admirable institution. "Was
graciously received by Her Ladyship, who is now of advanced age.
Her Ladyship was vastly amused at the news that had reached her
that some chroniclers do insist that she has lost her head. " I have
in good sooth lost my teeth," laughed the venerable gentlewoman:
'' but my head is as firmly set upon my shoulders as ever. I do verily
believe that it must be some mad piece of waggery of that Prince of
good fellows, Sir Walter Raleigh:. The aged Knight is always up
to soum of his nonsense! " After playing a game of quoits with Lord
Balmarino and the Tower Headsman (whose office is a well-paid
sinecure), I returned t> Newgate, greatly pleased with my morning's

Town. The name of the author is either Shakspeake or Suits

I am not sure which, but think Smith.

******

P.S.— Open my Diary orca again. Hamlet a poor piece. If 18
now said that it was written by Bacon" or Buchanan. Of the
former I know nothing, and posterity must discover the identity of
the latter. For the rest, if again I am pressed to go to the Play
strap me! but, comfortable as I am, I will pack up my traps, and
be off from Newgate—for ever!

I

THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE.

(Before Mr. Commissioner Punch.)

A Shareholder in a Gas Company introduced.

The Commissioner {sharply). Well, Sir, what is it?
Shareholder. I have come to complain about the Gas Com-
panies---

The Com. I am not surprised. They are generally causing some
one or other trouble.

Shareh. No. I beg your pardon, Sir, but you misunderstand me.
I am interested in the prosperity
of Gas Companies-

The Com. Then I pity you,
for they are certain, sooner or
later, to be superseded by the
Electric Light.

Shareh. Will you allow me
to continue ? I am annoyed
that some one has been com-
plaining in Ithe Times that " A
Chief of a llental Department"
(invariably a person of the
highest respectability) has a
right to the title of "an arbi-
trary cove! "

The Com. No doubt someone
(who showed his wisdom in ap-
pealing to so powerful a tri-
bunal) gave his reasons ?

Shareh. Well, yes; he cer-
tainly had been served with a
demand to pay .£1 4s. Wd. within three days, to " prevent the neces-
sity " of the gas si'.pply to his premises being discontinued at a time
when he and his family were out of Town, and his house was closed
for the recess.

The Com. Prima facie, that seems a strong order ! And I suppose
the complainant wrote to the Gas Company, and got no redress ?

Shareh. Well, yes. But then, you see, this demand for payment
within three days may have been a final notice.

The Com. (drily). Seems to have been very final, indeed! Was
there anything on the face of the notice to distinguish it from an
ordinary unstamped circular ? ,
Shareh. No, I believe not. But, then, possibly, the account had
been submitted to him before.

The Com. How do you know ? Speaking from my own experience,
a demand-note is generally left at the house when the master is
away, and the Collector does not take the slightest trouble to collect
the money. He leaves it to chance whether the money is sent or not.
Surely you must know that in your character of a householder ?

Shareh. Well, yes; I fancy that the collector does sometimes act
in a very perfunctory manner. . ,

The Com. And that servants frequently are unable to distinguish
between the open circular of a Gas Company asking for the settlement
of an account, and the open circular of a touting coal merchant
asking for custom ? And when this happens, both find a home in the
dust-hole. Is not that so ?

Shareh. Well, yes—very likely—but the law is- _ .

The Com. (sternly). The Law and its name should not be lightly
taken in vain. I have seen on a Gas Company's circular the terrors
of a statute invoked to secure prompt payment of a few shilling8

promenade. In the afternoon, entertained the Governor at dinner, j After all, the Gas Companies (albeit monopolists) are merely traders,
who declared that he could never get so good a meal in his own \ and the Public are the customers. If a butcher, a baker, or a
quarters. "Strap me, no!" I exclaimed: "and, were it not that! candle-stick maker invariably attempted to secure immediate payj"
our food was excellent, who would stay at Newgate ? " For I confess j ment by reference on fhe invoice to the usefulness of the County
that, although there are pleasure-gardens, and every sort of amuse- \ Court, it is more than possible that that butcher, that baker, or that
ment and comfort, Newgate, at times, is decidedly damp. Then I j candle-Btick maker, would speedily have to retire from business vta
raised a glass of punch to my lips, and wished him the same luck j the Bankruptcy column of The London Gazette. Thus Gas Com-
that I myself enjoyed. " And that I had ! " quoth he. "Would Ij panies, who adopt a like unpleasant tone, are regarded as the natural
were prisoner instead of Governor. But it would not be meet. I am ' enemies of the Public generally. You have a grievance—as a share-
not a man of sufficient quality! " And now I must bring this entry j holder of one of these Associations—but this is not the place to
to a conclusion, for there is to be a theatrical performance in the j obtain redress. If you want to improve your position, keep y01Jr
dining-hall. Little David Garbick is to play the principal male ; eye upon your employes, and teach them the meaning of that well-
character, while Mistress Nellie Gwtwe, Mistress Siddons, and I worn phrase. Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re ! You may go ! ,
Mistress Peg Woffixgton, are also in the cast. The title of the j [The Witness then retired, with difficulty repressing a painju1
piece is Samlet, and I am told it is written by a young man new to I exhibition of the most acute emotion.